The boob tube -- or how I learned to give up the idea of having a real life

(U-WIRE) AMHERST, Mass. -- So, for the first time ever in my college career, I did what I said I would never do. I broke down and brought a TV to school. All summer, my mother was pushing the idea. Buy one, she said. Spend a little money and get a nice one. Now, when it comes to money, as my girlfriend will tell you, I'm a "cheap bastard."

I hoard what I earn all summer in the hopes of not having to work during the school year, and I wasn't about to blow even a buck fifty on something as pointless as a TV. I don't need it, I reasoned. I've survived four years of college without one.

Besides, I was looking forward to going back to school and all the social opportunities that my return would offer. What the hell did I need a TV for? And, with a few (very few) exceptions, TV is still as vast a wasteland as ever.

Just as I had killed off any desire I may have had for a television, my birthday rolled around, and of course I got what I didn't want or need. But at the same time, I had to admit, it was going to be nice to be able to watch the news and maybe the "Daily Show" without walking to my friend's building (all right, it's only about a hundred feet away, but so what?)

Still, it sat in its box, untouched, until the end of the summer. Of course I appreciated the gift, but again, I thought, how often would I actually use it? I go to a school with 15,000 undergrads and live in an area with four other colleges in it. I can find ways to entertain myself

Except for the fact that, as I get closer to the quarter-century mark, I find that I don't like going out anymore. I like coming home after work, sitting down with my girlfriend, and either renting a movie or watching TV -- and recently, my tastes have run towards the lowest common denominator.

I like feeling brain cells die, and since I rarely drink anymore, I have to find some way to keep actual thinking from taking place. I find that network TV fits my needs perfectly. After half an hour of "Home Improvement," I can feel my jaw slackening as the overwhelming urge to belch and grunt unintelligibly consumes me. It's just like drinking! I don't even need human interaction anymore, except for the people who take my card at the dining common. Even they have taken on a sitcom quality, kind of like "Grace Under Fire" or "Roseanne." I imagine them going home to three-walled TV sets and exchanging witty banter with their smartass family.

You know, before I got the TV, I used to have other things I enjoyed doing. Going for a walk on a nice day, listening to some Charlie Parker, maybe just sitting out in the sun. Now I spend my afternoons gorging on chocolate and watching soap operas -- purely to see how bad they are, really. Ihaven't seen the sun in a few days, since I've kept the shades pulled to hide my grotesque, chocolate-smeared form. My days are so full the I don't have time for those pesky classes I used bother with.

With my newfound freedom of entertainment, I've discovered the joys of all the movies I never wanted to see ("Scream") and all those I wish I never had that have become part of my permanent memory ("Revenge of the Nerds" and "Back to School," for example). Of course, when I suddenly realize that I've wasted six hours watching HSCN; missing lunch, hanging out with my friends, and life in general, I feel a little bit like a loser. It's okay, though; all this little problem requires is a change in perspective, and another bag of Olestra chips. I've realized that I am no mere couch potato. No, I'm important. I have a purpose. I am a cultural researcher.

Now stay with me on this one. See, as I figure it, Americans -- being the fattest nation on Earth as well as one of the richest -- probably watch a lot of TV. You just don't get a 60 percent obesity rate in countries where people are busy slaving away in factories for pennies a day to make shoes they can never afford. Since TV is a business, it shows us what we want to see, both in advertising and in programming. It reflects the values and social world of modern America, kind of like a bloated corporate mirror.

Commercials are perhaps the worst thing about television, but to me they also offer the most insight into the wants and needs of the average American because they play such a large role in creating them. For instance, I never wanted a sports utility vehicle or even knew what a Cinnabon was before I got my TV. Now I gleefully drive over protected flora, wasting obscene amounts of gas while scarfing down box after box of hot, cinnamon goodness. You know, I used to feel bad about the impact we Americans make on the environment because of our dependence on cheap fossil fuels. What the hell was I thinking?

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah -- TV as both a reflection and cause of the warped consumerist character of the American mindset. I'd expand, but I've sacrificed my attention span in the name of my research. Besides, "Jerry Springer" is on and I have a pint of Heavenly Hash calling my name. If you don't hear from me in a week, call the police and help them pry my bloated butt off my bed.