Money for College!

Like many students, I am paying for my college education with money I win at the horse track. It's kinda risky, but I have a system that almost ensures victory. Professional gamblers referred to this system as "The Gentleman's Method," but now it is commonly refered to as "cheating."

I have used many different methods of cheating. One time I broke into the stables, every night for a week, and replaced the horses' grain with soap and beer. By race day they were all screwed up and instead of running the race the horses reenacted scenes from broadway muscials. The jockeys were furious! Meanwhile, my horse, Mr. Silly, went on to victory.

Another time I replaced Mr. Silly with a cheetah in a horse suit. He won by a landside!

Then there was the time I simply got a big stick and broke the legs of every horse. By post time all of Mr. Silly's competion had been shipped off to the glue factory!

However, I'd have to say that my best trick ever was the time I replaced all the horses with monkeys. Of course the tricky part was making the jockeys believe that these monkeys were their horses. I accomplished this by putting T-shirts on the monkeys which read, "Hi, I'm your horse."

Even with this ingeniuous idea, the plan still relied heavily on the stupidity of the jockeys. Luckily this particular group of jockeys was extremely stupid. When the jockeys entered the stables, only one of them thought his horse looked suspicious and that was becasue the monkey had taken off his T-shirt and put it on a hay bale.

However, the jockey decided that the T-shirt wouldn't lie so he mounted the bale and yelled "Giddyap!" He's been there ever since.

After a long while the jockeys finally managed to get the monkeys into the starting gate, but when the race began, total mayhem broke out. The monkeys successfully threw the jockeys off their backs and ran into the grandstand, where they bit audience members and randomly threw about their feces.

Circus music began playing and balloons fell from the sky. Then the Three Stooges showed up and a pie fight broke out. A monkey threw a pie at Larry, but Larry thought it was Curly so he threw a pie at Curly, but missed and hit Moe. Then Moe banged their heads together and everyone laughed because it was so funny!

However, one monkey stayed on the track and actually ran the race. Somewhere that monkey found a pair of roller skates, a helmet, and a racing jumpsuit. Sadly that monkey was actually faster than Mr. Silly and he won the race in a photo finish.

Fortunately the monkey was disqualified for "being a monkey" and Mr. Silly was awarded first prize and I won big again.

And that's how so many college students pay for their educations.