Uncle Nick's Factory o' Fun

An evening with Merle Haggard

It isn't everyday that you get to see a living legend, so when I heard that Merle Haggard was coming to town I nearly wet my pants. The concert was to be Halloween night and the only thing standing between me and Merle was the hefty $39.50 ticket price (for the cheap seats!)

I believe the price was high in order to keep pesky college students away, but since I'm a well-respected journalist for a well-respected newspaper I was able to score a seat for the show.

So, on Halloween night I headed to the famed Crest Theater for an evening with everybody's third-favorite living country legend. The line outside the theater looked a little like the "Tombstone" movie poster.

The men wore big cowboy hats, snake-skin boots, belt buckles, multi-colored western shirts and overcoats with those special western-style hoods. Most of the women wore tight-fitting leather dresses and fringy boots. I had never seen so much leather in one place.

I couldn't help but feel out-of-place. Sure, I had a belt buckle which read "Cowtown," but I didn't have my shirt tucked in. So, there I stood, in the middle of all these cowboys and I was wearing Hush Puppies, a fuzzy gray shirt and a CSUS hat. Luckily a drunken K Street person came around yelling for hookers and eased my discomfort.

Once inside, I was directed to my seat, which was in the exact middle of the theater. I was sitting next to two ladies who had won tickets through a radio station. They noticed I was not a cowboy and asked me what I was doing there. I told them I was there to see Merle. They didn't seem to think that I was worthy of seeing Merle since I was so young and un-cowboyish. However, when I successfully identified a woman in a Minnie Pearl Halloween costume I immediately earned their respect. I knew all those years of watching "Hee-Haw" at my grandma's house would pay off someday.

Merle Haggard, Ladies Man

The opening act was a lady named Jenny Mitchell who displayed her amazing yodeling skills to the appreciative crowd. This was indeed the most well-behaved audience I had ever been in at the Crest. Everyone stayed in their seats, there were no games of "pass the guy," and no mysterious smoke was hovering above the crowd. However, at the end of each song there was loud yelling and some "Yeehaw!"s.

Finally it was time for Merle to come out. He walked out onto the stage like a lonesome outlaw with his black cowboy hat down low on his forehead. Then he strapped on his guitar (with a guitar strap that read "Merle") and jumped right into "Workin' Man's Blues." This song was complimented nicely by the only decoration on the stage, a gigantic photo of a big rig which read "Merle Haggard's Working Man's Tour."

The music, of course, was great. Merle is from a time before country music was the stupidest thing on the planet. He laid down the lonesome cowboy outlaw music like the legend he is. For being over 60 years old the guy was really rockin'.

There's one thing that can safely be said about Merle: this is a man that knows the score. He was the coolest. He obviously knew that every guy in the building wanted to be like him and that all the women wanted to be with him. With every song the hoots and yells grew louder and I fully expected guns to be fired into the air.

I was enjoying the show immensely, no longer worrying about the fact that I was the only non-cowboy under the age of 40 in the theater.

However, I was a non-cowboy under the age of 40 and this was Halloween night. Merle may be a true legend, but I have my priorities. So I stood up, yelled "Yeehaw!" and headed out into the night.

Merle was great and if you've never heard his music before I suggest you go have a talk with your grandma. Undoubtedly she is a big fan. You may think it's weird to listen to your grandma's music, but the fact is, if you take away the stupid hats, silly boots, lame belt buckles, moronic multi-colored tight-fitting leather dresses, dumb fringes, idiotic suede patches and the large quantities of chewing tobacco, what you're left with is some of the finest music available anywhere -- from a true living legend. Yeehaw!