Shopping for dummies

It’s here again — time to find that perfect gift for your favorite college student.

Gift giving should be a no-brainer, but anyone who has ever been in college knows, it isn’t that easy.

Let’s see a show of hands for anyone who has ever received an inappropriate, inconsequential or just plain ridiculous Christmas present.

Well, the following is a thoughtful guide for all gift givers with a college student on their list to help you in your holiday quest.

Any kind of school- or education-related gift is WRONG! No justification, no explanation needed. This includes dictionaries, cute notebooks or 6-year supply of No. 2 pencils. And please hold off on the gift certificates to the Hornet BookStore.

Forget the apparel. Avoid sequin-studded sweatshirts, T-shirts with cute fuzzy animals or sappy inspirational sayings. College students like to make their own decisions, now that they are all grown up.

While we’re on the subject of clothing, it is important to not give your college son or nephew socks and underwear (with or without their name sewn inside), especially if he will be opening his gifts with his roommate or girlfriend’s parents.

And no matter how old and sacred the family tradition, no one wants Aunt Martha’s twenty-year old fruitcake. Or the recipe.

Being away from home can be lonely and frightening. But sending your college student a Chia pet is not the way to alleviate the loneliness. And substituting a goldfish or hamster isn’t a good idea.

Disney videos should be banned from all gift lists. As well as anything PBS-inspired or movies that have English accents or require subtitles at the bottom.

And your twenty-year-old daughter or niece definitely does not want a nice, clean-cut (fill in your religious preference) boy in medical school who will take care of her. Trust me on this one.

So what’s a gift giver to do? Here are some possibilities, suggested by actual college students:

Care packages: college cafeteria food is wholesome and nutritious, but it sure isn’t home cookin’ or soul food. So fill a box with cookies, crackers, peanut butter, cup-o-noodle, hot chocolate, marshmallows, pop-tarts, and any other “comfort food” your student enjoys. Make sure you wrap the food really tight, and send enough to share with roommates.

A phone card with sufficient money on it for several calls to home or long-distance significant others is another good idea. That way, the college student can keep in touch when lonely, scared, or broke.

Or maybe even a laundry care package: soap, bleach, fabric sheets, hangars, or fabric softener to help keep clothing clean and bright.

College students have unique taste, so send a gift certificate for their favorite clothing or music store. Or help them cut loose with a lift ticket for Boreal or Heavenly.

Warm slippers, PJs and a bathrobe for those long cold walks to the dorm shower at 6 a.m. Toilet articles: toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, mouthwash, or soap.

Since cold and flu season follows so closely after Christmas, a cold care pack might be a good idea. Decongestant, Theraflu, chicken soup, tea, tissues and cough drops will make them feel all better.

If none of the above examples hit your “ah, just right” buttons, one final suggestion: CA$H. Moolah. Dinero. Dollars (or even a money order). You can’t go wrong with that.