A Man Among Women: Compromising Situations

a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by Vince Seifert (seifertv@csus.edu)

Ranma 1/2 characters and situations are copyright 1987, 2002
by Takahashi Rumiko.  Publishing rights (Japan) by Shogakukan
Inc.  Publishing rights (North America) by Viz Inc.  This work
is not intended to infringe those rights.

This story is for Anand Rao, in hopes that it only answers some
of his questions.  ;)

These events take place in the A Man Among Women timeline, which
diverges from manga-canon at the beginning of v37: Phoenix
Mountain didn't happen.  See

http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/other.htm

Warning: this tale is not light-hearted.  More notes at end.

     ~~~~~

     "Auwe!"  The principal's cry of dismay was nearly drowned
out by yells from the audience, packed into the Furinkan High
School auditorium for the graduation ceremony.

     Saotome Ranma peered down, nodded in satisfaction, and
hopped off the catwalk above the stage.  He landed lightly on the
wooden floor, avoiding the debris of combat.  A few scattered
cheers rose, but many of the students and parents gathered in the
auditorium were too singed, soaked, or covered with bits of
crushed pineapple to care.  Ranma sauntered over to Principal
Kuno where he dangled head-down from a rope above the open trap
door in the floor.  "You ready to gimme my diploma yet?" he
asked.

     "HahahaHAha!  Dream on, buggah!" the principal retorted.  "I
have not yet begun to fight, yeah!"  He suddenly dropped an inch
and stopped with a jerk.  "Eep!"

     "Yo, Kuno!" Ranma called across the stage.  "Hold still for
a little longer, willya?"

     Kuno Tatewaki, strapped to a large tanuki statue a few yards
away by a tangle of ropes, glowered at him.  "Knave, how dare you
treat the noble scion of the house of Kuno as a-- a--"

     "Counterweight?" Ranma suggested, nodding at the rope that
ran up from Tatewaki-and-tanuki, over a pulley far above, and
down to the principal's ankles.

     "Curse thee, Saotome!"

     "Yeah, yeah.  I dunno why you're even here.  You graduated
LAST year."  Ranma returned his attention to the elder Kuno.
"Well?"

     "You want your da kine diploma, you gotta earn it, keiki!"
the principal maintained, folding his arms and swaying to and fro
a little.  He cast a nervous glance downward, though.

     Ranma followed the principal's look.  In the gloom of the
under-stage storage area, a massive, scale-armored form shifted
hungrily.  Its golden slit-pupiled eye shifted from its dangling
prey to Ranma for a moment, but only a moment.  "You idiot,"
Ranma observed.  "Me an' Midorigame, we made a sort of deal last
time we tangled: he doesn't try to eat me and I don't tie his
tongue in a knot.  I guess you didn't know that, or you wouldn't
have stuck him in there--"  The giant crocodile gathered itself
for another attempt and launched itself upward.  Its toothy jaws
clapped shut a scant foot short of the palm tree adorning the
principal's head, and the audience gasped.  A second later the
auditorium shook with the impact of its landing.  "Kodachi's
gonna be pissed," Ranma continued, smirking at the sweatdropping
principal.

     "Yeah?  Well, you gonna be a NON-graduate," Kuno said
defiantly.  Tatewaki chose that moment to strain against his
bonds again, and his father dropped another two inches.  "Tatchi,
you one BAD keiki!"

     "Looks like I can wait longer'n you."  Ranma adopted a
casual pose, and suddenly noticed something.  "Hey--!"  His hand
flashed out and plucked the palm tree from Kuno's head.

     "OUCH!"

     Ignoring the principal's bellow of pain, Ranma extracted a
rolled-up document from the trunk of the palm tree.  "Well, how
about that."  He unrolled the paper and read.  "Got it!" he
exulted, punching the air with a fist.  "I'm outta here!"

     "Damn.  Hey, Ranma, I'm gonna miss you, keiki," the
principal admitted with a reluctant inverted smile.

     "Yeah, well, your aim never was any good."  Ranma smirked at
his own quip and turned away.  The principal doubled up, trying
to reach the noose around his feet, but the rope was too tight
for him to loosen.  Ranma bent and picked up an item from the
debris littering the stage.  "Lookin' for this?" he asked,
tossing the hair-clippers to the suspended man.

     Kuno caught the clippers and his face brightened.  "Yeah!
T'anks, eh?"   He doubled up again and swiped the clippers at the
rope.  It parted.  "Auwe!" Kuno wailed again, making a futile
grab for the edge as he fell through the trapdoor to the waiting
crocodile.  Hiss!  Snap!  "OUCH!"

     "Moron," Ranma muttered, turning his back and walking away.

     ~~~~~

     Outside the auditorium, the participants and spectators
attending the graduation milled around after the ceremony.  The
crowd thinned slowly as little clumps of people drifted away,
graduates waving goodbye to their friends, parents looking proud.
Ranma's own parents looked proud enough; Genma and Nodoka were
with Soun and Kasumi nearby.

     Two fellows Ranma didn't know passed near him, and he
overheard a snatch of their conversation: "I got accepted at
Kyoto U!"

     "You lucky dog!  I'm going to Sapporo, it was my second
choice...."

     Frowning, Ranma looked around automatically for Akane, and
spotted her talking to a few of her school friends.

     "It's a strange time, huh?"

     Ranma turned.  "Oh, hi, Ucchan.  Strange how?"

     "Happy and sad both.  A lot of these folks'll never see each
other again," Ukyo elaborated, "so they're saying goodbye.  Some
are goin' off to college, some are getting jobs.  A lot of 'em
are staying right here, but somehow they're not going to get
together anymore.  Even the ones who hate school are gonna find
themselves missing the place."  She grimaced.  "Damn sure I won't
miss this, though," she remarked, plucking at the collar of her
boys' school uniform.

     Ranma laughed.  "I'll bet."

     "So," Ukyo asked, eyeing Ranma and moving a little closer,
"what are YOU going to do now, huh?"

     "Go home, I guess," Ranma said, shrugging.

     "You know what I mean."  Ukyo's gaze was intense.  She
tilted her head at the crowd without looking away.  "We've all
just been going along day to day, but this is a time for big
changes, Ran-chan."

     Ranma shrugged again, uncomfortably.  "So?"

     "So we're expecting things to change--"  Ukyo looked past
Ranma and half-smiled.  "Hi, Akane-chan."

     "Hi, Ukyo."  Akane, smiling pleasantly, came up on the other
side of Ranma, stopping just a little closer to him than Ukyo
was.  "What things?"

     "Well, for example, you're planning to go away to college,
right?"

     Ranma rolled his eyes, but Akane didn't notice; she bit her
lip, then nodded.  "It's not settled yet, but maybe.  What about
you?"

     "Oh, Ucchan's is staying right here," Ukyo replied casually,
but her glance at Ranma carried the clear implication that "here"
meant where Ranma was as much as it meant Nerima.

     Crossing her arms, Akane smugly pointed out the flaw in
Ukyo's statement.  "That's not a change, is it?"

     "We'll see, won't we?" Ukyo said lightly.

     Ranma looked nervously back and forth between the two girls.
"Uh...."

     "Anyway," Ukyo said, turning to Ranma, "if you come by my
place later, I'll treat you to an okonomiyaki or two... in honor
of our graduation, of course."

     "Fine," Ranma said, brightening even as Akane clouded over.

     "And then maybe we can--"

     "AIREN!"  Shampoo's happy squeal parted the crowd more
effectively than a bell.  Akane and Ukyo flinched back as the
Chinese girl's bicycle flattened Ranma.  She hopped off, tossed
the bicycle aside, picked Ranma up, dusted him off, and hugged
him while they were still gaping.  "Airen all done with school
now?"

     "Uh, yeah," Ranma managed.

     "I so happy!  Now have lots of free time, yes?  I have
number-one good plan how to spend it!"

     "I'll just bet you do, honey."  Ukyo reached back for her
giant spatula.  "Too bad Ran-chan's got other plans."

     Shampoo let go of Ranma and turned to face Ukyo, a grim
smile on her face and a fierce glint in her eye.  "Shan Pu plan
better."  She retrieved her bonbori from the luggage rack of her
bicycle, dropped into a combat stance, and glanced sideways at
Ranma.  "Big dinner at Nekohanten tonight to celebrate Ranma end
school-- you be there, Airen, yes?"

     "Uh...."  Ranma sweatdropped.

     Shampoo took it as an affirmative.  "See?" she told Ukyo
triumphantly.

     "He's not there yet, and if I have anything to say about it,
he won't be," Ukyo grated.

     "About time we settle this."  Shampoo darted forward,
bonbori whirring.  Ukyo's spatula flashed in the sun, deflecting
one, and chopped down at Shampoo's leg.  Shampoo somersaulted
over it and spun a kick at Ukyo's midsection.

     "Those idiots," Akane muttered, frowning into her hand, but
Ranma wasn't listening to her.

     "Look, cut it out," he protested, dodging around the
combatants with his hands waving.  "Just take it easy, willya?
Someone could get hurt the way you're goin' at it!"  He stopped
and sniffed, noticing a familiar smell.  Roses.  Black roses.

     "Oh, Ranma-sama, there you are!"  Kuno Kodachi seized
Ranma's arm and hugged it to her, snuggling against his side.  "I
came here directly as soon as the graduation ceremony at St.
Hebereke's ended.  I'm finally free of that restrictive place, my
dearest, free to devote all of my attention to you."  She pressed
his arm into her cleavage to emphasize her point.

     "Urk."  Ranma's arm felt red-hot; like Akane, Ukyo and
Shampoo, Kodachi was even more attractive at eighteen than she
had been at sixteen.  Fortunately she was still wearing her
school uniform rather than a leotard or a slinky dress.

     "Hey, you--!"  Ukyo noticed Kodachi and tried to disengage,
but her opponent persisted in her flurry of attacks.  "Hold it,
Shampoo, dammit!"

     "Keep mind on fight!" Shampoo insisted, but then she spotted
Kodachi too and her eyes widened in dismay.  "Aiya!"

     "I have a delightful evening prepared for us to celebrate
our adulthood together, Ranma-sama," Kodachi continued, ignoring
the two who stood there panting, clenching their weapons, and
glaring at her.

     "Over my dead body," Ukyo declared to Kodachi.  Shampoo
nodded firmly.

     "Ohohohoho!" Kodachi pealed, letting go of Ranma to cover
her mouth with her hand.  "If so you would have it, so it shall
be."  She produced a gymnastics ribbon and two clubs from the
recesses of her school uniform and stepped forward.

     Akane caught Ranma's arm as the free-for-all resumed.
"Ranma--"

     "Huh?"  Ranma's attention was split between Akane and the
battle, but she got a little more of his attention when he
noticed the serious way she was looking at him.  "What?"  He
glanced back at the others and flinched at the sound of an
impact.  "Damn--"

     "Forget about them for a minute.  They're big girls, they
can take care of themselves.  Listen, Ranma, I need to talk to
you about... about something important.  Come by tonight after
dinner, OK?"

     Ranma gave her a twisted smile and a raised eyebrow.  "You
got food for me too, then?  If ya do--"

     "Sure, if you really want me to," Akane replied, brightening
noticeably.  "So you'll come, right?  Promise?"

     Ranma opened his mouth, about to complete his remark by
informing her that he didn't feel like being poisoned, but at
that moment Ukyo tumbled out of the melee.  She rolled to her
feet, leaning on her spatula and holding her side.  Shampoo and
Kodachi also paused for a moment, breathing hard.  Kodachi had a
nasty scrape on her leg, and even Shampoo looked like she'd taken
a few hits.  All three were tattered and bruised.

     "Hey, how about you, Akane-chan?" Ukyo panted.  "I saved a
place for ya."

     "Yes, will you not do battle for Ranma-sama's heart?"
Kodachi pressed.

     Akane's chin came up and her lips compressed into a thin
line.  "Don't be silly," she snapped.  She gave Ranma a hard
look, turned on her heel, and stalked off.

     "Her loss," Shampoo said lightly.

     Ranma glanced after Akane for a moment, but then Kodachi's
ribbon lashed at Ukyo and the renewed battle claimed his
attention.  The girls weren't serious... well, not REALLY
serious... well, probably... but they sure weren't fighting for
fun, and he could see that if he didn't do something, someone
might get seriously hurt.  Unfortunately, he could only think of
one sure way to keep them from getting hurt.

     "Aiya!  Airen, get out of way!"  Wham!

     "Dammit, Ran-chan, quit protecting her!"  Clang!

     Clonk!  "Oh, dear, was that you, Ranma-sama?"

     ~~~~~

     Daisuke, watching the massacre from a safe distance, nodded
to Hiroshi as the other youth came up.  "Got the pool disposed
of?"

     "Just about.  Too bad we couldn't just keep the money.
There was over twenty thousand yen in there."

     "Hey, now.  That'd be a Nabiki trick."  Daisuke winced as
Ranma suffered another sacrificial clobbering.  "I know it's hard
to believe, but there's no evidence that ANYone scored with
Saotome.  That catfight over there is NOT about who's gonna STOP
screwing him, or I'm as blind as Mousse.  So we have to give all
the bets back."

     "I know, I know.  Speaking of which..."  Hiroshi consulted a
notebook, counted out a handful of bills and coins, and handed it
to Daisuke.  "There's yours.  I see you bet on Shampoo, mostly."

     "Yup.  So did a lot of people.  Man, his willpower must be
incredible.  I would hold out... oh... about three seconds.  Make
that two."

     Hiroshi snickered.  "In case you didn't notice, one guy who
shall remain nameless bet a hundred yen on Kuno-sempai."

     "Well, Kodachi's pretty hot, too--"  Daisuke did a double-
take.  "Kuno-sempai?  You mean Tatewaki?"

     "Bingo... setting the market odds at about two hundred to
one."

     Daisuke considered.  "Not a bad hedge bet, really."

     "Don't let Ranma hear you say that.  Well, it was fun while
it lasted...."

     "Sure was.  See ya 'round, pal."

     ~~~~~

     "I'm goin' out!" Ranma called that evening, pausing inside
the front door of the Saotome house.

     "Just a moment, Ranma, please," his mother's voice drifted
back.  It was only a few moments before she came around the
corner, noiseless in her tabi slippers, and stopped to look her
son up and down.  "Splendid," she pronounced.

     Ranma looked down at himself.  "Aw, Momma, it's just what I
usually wear."

     "I wasn't talking about your clothes, Ranma."  She came
closer and looked up at him.  "I won't ask where you're going or
how late you're staying out.  You're not a schoolboy anymore."

     "Huh?  You weren't asking that before."

     "Well, that's because I knew where you were going and what
you were doing... in a general way, at least."  Nodoka lowered
her voice to a confidential tone.  "Ranma... I admire your
thoughtfulness, I really do.  It was so considerate of you not to
get any of your girlfriends in a family way while-- are you all
right, dear?"

     "Uh, frog in my throat," Ranma croaked.

     "Wait, I'll get you a cup of tea with honey...."

     "That's all right, Momma, I swallowed it."

     "Oh, good.  Well, as I was saying, I'm sure they appreciated
being able to finish high school, um, unencumbered.  But maybe
you could...."  Nodoka paused delicately.  "I mean to say, that's
not a problem now.  So if it should happen that any of your
companions present us with a baby, well, arrangements could be
made.  Would gladly be made.  You do understand, don't you?"
Finishing her speech without so much as a blush, she regarded him
expectantly.

     Ranma pasted a #3 smile (Knowing & Worldly) on his face.
"Sure, Momma, I understand."

     Nodoka nodded, smiling proudly.  "Well, I'll just wish you a
pleasant evening, then."

     "Thanks, Momma."  Feeling it was expected of him, Ranma
dared a roguish wink, then casually fled from the house.  Safely
out of sight, he sagged against a convenient wall for a moment
and wiped his brow.  He could clearly imagine the consequences of
his mother's notions....

     Shampoo: "Look!  Shampoo knocked up!"
     Akane, Ukyo, Kodachi, Mousse: "RANMA!"
     WHAM!  CLANG!  POW!  JINGLE!

     Ukyo: "Look!  Ranchan's and my kid!"
     Shampoo, Akane, Kodachi: "RANMA!!"
     GONG!  WHAM!  POW!

     Kodachi: "Lo!  I bear the fruit of Ranma-sama's loins!"
     Ukyo, Shampoo, Akane, Tatewaki: "RANMA!!!"
     CLANG!  GONG!  WHAM!  SLICE!

     Akane: "Look what that baka did to me!"
     Akane, Kodachi, Ukyo, Shampoo, Ryoga, Tatewaki: "RANMA!!!!"
     WHAM!  POW!  CLANG!  GONG!  BOOOM!  SLICE!

     "Oh, jeez," Ranma muttered to himself, trembling a little.
He counted on his fingers.  "Hmm, it'd hurt the least if it was
Ucchan--"  He gripped his head in his hands.  "WHAT AM I
SAYING?!"  Glancing back at the Saotome house, he delivered his
final decision: "Sorry, Momma.  Not gonna happen."

     ~~~~~

     Pacing to and fro in the dojo, the soles of her bare feet
squeaking a little on the polished wood, Akane rehearsed what she
wanted to say.  There was room for over a dozen long, leisurely,
contemplative strides between the walls, but she was only using a
fraction of the space available, making four tense and anxious
steps before each turn.

     "How did your college placement exams come out?"  I kept
trying to talk to you about them, but you always just brushed the
whole thing off like everything was taken care of.  "My exams
were pretty good."  Better than I thought they'd be.  It felt so
good to finally do well at something.  Aren't you proud of me?
"After that, I passed the entrance exams for a couple of good
schools... and I suppose you know one even offered me a
scholarship."  I've always been lucky at lotteries and things, of
course, but this just floored me!  "I want to go to college."
It'll open up possibilities, things I can't even imagine now.
"It means going away for a long time."  Away from the silly
fights, away from being embarrassed every time I turn around,
away from sudden hope and crushing disappointment, away from the
same stuff day in and day out.

     Away from those other girls.

     It wasn't that life was so bad, of course.  It was
aggravating and silly, but she couldn't deny that it was also
exciting and fun.  But Ukyo had put her finger on it: things
couldn't go on like this forever, and when they changed, someone
would be happy, and some other people... wouldn't be.  So Akane
had a plan.

     "Have you been making plans yourself?"  I've hardly been
keeping mine a secret, so if you wanted to, you could easily have
been applying to the same universities that I did, and taking
their entrance exams too.  Were you?  Even trying would mean that
you wanted to be with me....

     Akane took a deep breath and steeled herself for the words
that were so hard to say, even to an empty dojo.  "I'd be so
happy if--"  If it mattered to you that I was planning to go away
to college.  If you planned and studied and passed in secret so
we could be together.  If you wanted things to be... better.

     Then words that she couldn't say at all, words she barely
dared think, because if he heard, if he knew... if he didn't feel
the same way, if he made fun of her... she'd just shatter:  I
really want things to be better.  More than anything.  I want...
I lo--

     She couldn't manage to even think that, but it lay behind
everything she did and said to him, a secret vulnerability
armored in insults and denials.

     A dog howled not far away, and Akane noticed with a frown
that evening was over; night had fallen while she waited with her
plate of snacks and her urgent questions.  "Where is that baka?"
she muttered to herself.  "When I said 'after dinner', I meant
right after dinner, not hours and hours after dinner."

     ~~~~~

     It'd been a pretty good evening, Ranma thought with
satisfaction.  Two meals, a fight he'd won handily, and a chase
he'd eluded without having to make any concessions; no sudden
cats, no inconvenient cold water.  Just one more stop to make and
he could call it a night.

     The roof of the Tendo Dojo came into view, looming out of
the suburban twilight that was as close as Nerima nights ever got
to true darkness.  Ranma sailed from one rooftop to the next and
ran along the peak, practicing running silently so he wouldn't
alarm the residents... well, mostly so they wouldn't yell at him.
Two more rooftops to go.

     He had a bad feeling about this particular rendezvous; Akane
being serious when he wasn't in trouble usually meant he was
about to be in trouble.  He really hadn't meant to be this late,
but that was just how it went sometimes.  The temptation to just
skip this stop and keep running free through the night was
strong.  The knowledge that it would only delay and intensify the
punishment was stronger, though, and there was something else,
too.  Akane'd been awfully tense lately, probably about that dumb
college stuff... well, maybe a good fight would make her feel
better.  He made the long jump over the Tendos' wall to the dojo
roof, dropped into the back garden, and headed for the house at a
leisurely pace.

     The dojo door slid open before he got there.  "Ranma?"

     "Yeah," he called back, reversing his steps and sauntering
over to where Akane waited impatiently in the doorway,
silhouetted in the light streaming out from the dojo.

     "Well, it's about time.  Where've you been?"  Akane stepped
aside to let him pass through the doorway.  He couldn't see her
backlit expression, but he didn't have to; by the tone of her
voice he was in for it, all right.

     "Here and there," Ranma said casually, stretching with his
arms behind his head.  "Had a little snack at Ucchan's, dropped
by the Nekohanten afterwards."

     "While I was cooling my heels here.  Honestly!"

     Ranma shrugged.  "Hey, Ucchan invited me before you did, and
so did Shampoo.  Just bein' fair," he maintained defensively.

     "What about Kodachi?" Akane asked with an edge in her voice.
"She had plans for you tonight too, didn't she?"

     "Yeah, right," Ranma snorted.  "I skipped her and her loony
plans."

     "Well, why didn't you skip Ukyo and Shampoo, then?"

     "'Cause they don't put poison in my food."  Ranma punctuated
this with a you-dummy look.  "Speakin' of which... what's that?"

     Akane followed his gesture at the plate on the floor, and
her demeanor softened.  "Um... something new.  Spicy fried
chicken wings."

     "Meanin' they're supposed to burn my lips off, instead of
doin' it by accident?"  Ranma picked up the plate and took a
cautious sniff.  "I'll pass."  He flicked a sly glance at Akane
to see her reaction.

     "Now you know you're not getting away with that!" Akane
huffed.  "I made them especially for you.  Try one!"

     Ranma prodded one with his finger.  "They look like little
burned turds.  Bet they taste like 'em, too."

     "What?  Nonsense.  How could you know what burned, uh, poop
tastes like anyway, huh?" Akane asked in triumph.

     It was too easy.  "Hey, you been forcing your cooking on me
for years."

     Akane's smirk vanished as she clouded over.  "Try one.  Or
else," she grated.

     That was about right; now if they were merely bad, his
reactions might be acceptable by contrast.  Ranma picked up one
of the morsels and bit into it with trepidation.  Crunchy.
Definitely burnt, but he'd built up a tolerance for the taste of
carbon.  He chewed... and then the other tastes hit.  "Glaargh!"
Eyes bulging and watering, he dropped the wing and the plate and
grabbed his own throat, but some of the chewed mouthful went the
wrong way.

     Akane caught the falling plate before it could shatter on
the floor, but lost a couple of chicken wings.  "Stop it, you big
baby!  It can't be that bad!"

     "Oh, yes it can," Ranma contradicted her hoarsely.  Damn.
It was a lot worse than just 'bad'.  Way too much tabasco, no
surprise there, and she'd abused mayonnaise again, but what was
that other stuff?  It couldn't be dish soap... could it?  He
could see why Kasumi-san kept it in the kitchen, of course, but
you'd think she'd know to put an Akane-proof cap on it.  "Try one
yourself.  I dare you."

     Akane didn't take up the challenge.  To his surprise, she
didn't clobber him, but just gave him an exasperated glare.  "Oh,
never mind.  I should expect this from you by now."  She puffed
out a breath and ran her fingers through her bangs.

     Ranma watched her control and center herself, and just
before she was focused, said, "So, what didja want to talk to me
about?"

     "Well...."  Akane bit her lip.  "Um, how did you do-- I
mean, how did your college placement exams come out?"

     Uh oh.  "College placement exams?" Ranma stalled.

     Akane was focused now, on him, and it was like facing
spears.  "Yes.  The exams we took a few months ago.  To see which
colleges we should apply to.  They call those 'college placement
exams'.  How were your scores?"

     Ranma snapped his fingers.  "Gee, I knew I forgot something.
Heh-heh...."

     "What?"  Akane's look was appalled.  "You didn't even TAKE
them?"

     "Look, it wasn't my fault!  That was the day Ryoga got all
pissed about I-forget-what and wouldn't take 'buzz off' for an
answer, wasn't it?  You should be glad I took him outside to
pound him, or nobody woulda gotten to take their exams!"

     "Oh, right, blame Ryoga-kun for it!" Akane snapped, balanced
between distress and anger.  Distress won.  "Ranma, those exams
were important!  They affect the rest of your life!"

     "Don't see why," Ranma muttered petulantly.

     "The exam results tell you which colleges you have a chance
of being accepted to!  Then you take THEIR entrance exams...."
Akane trailed off with a horrified look.  "Did you pass any
entrance exams?"

     "Nope," Ranma said, trying to make it cheerful.

     "Did you even TAKE any entrance exams?"

     Ranma looked up at the ceiling of the dojo, feigning
pensiveness as best he could.  "Umm... well, I took about half of
one for this place the counselor recommended, and then the fire
sprinklers went off for some strange reason... the test wasn't at
Furinkan, so nobody knew about the curse.  Things got a little,
uh, confused."

     "I can't believe it."  Akane had her face buried in her
hands.  "Ranma, do you WANT to be a ronin, struggling against
impossible odds?"

     The image that came to his mind was not of a student bent
over a table under a single light bulb, surrounded by books, but
of a warrior standing tall on a lonely road, ringed by faceless
enemies.  "Hey, sounds like fun."

     "Honestly, you are such a flake!  Well, at least you have a
chance of getting into college eventually that way.  But--"

     "Huh?  Why would I want to get into college?  I just took
that one test 'cause the counselor was buggin' me to.  I'm done
with school.  Crazy principals, wacko teachers, useless classes,
pervert students... good riddance."

     "What are you saying?" Akane exclaimed with another appalled
look.  "I was hop-- I mean, some of us might think going to
college is a pretty good idea, you know!  It might even take a
guy who came out of high school an ignorant jerk and make him
a... a... an educated jerk!"

     Ranma frowned.  "Hey.  Sounds more like it'd take an uncute
chick and turn her into a snobby uncute chick."

     Akane bit her lip and calmed down again, with considerable
effort.  "It's too late to make up any entrance exams.  This
means you can't go to college this year."

     "Yeah, so?  I wasn't gonna anyway, like I said."

     She didn't rise to that.  "My exams were pretty good," she
said without emphasis.  She gritted her teeth at Ranma's
dismissing shrug and continued.  "I got a scholarship, you know."

     "Get to the point, willya?"

     "It means I can go to college.  But it's north of Sendai.
That's over four hundred kilometers from here.  Too far to go
back and forth every day, or even every weekend.  It means going
away for a long time."  Akane, who had been holding Ranma's gaze,
looked down.  "I want to go, Ranma."

     The sinking feeling in Ranma's gut hit bottom.  This was
worse than being harangued for missing the exams, or anything
else he could think of.  Akane was telling him she wanted to go
to college, and that he couldn't.  She wanted to leave, not just
Nerima, but him.  She was trying to make the "sayonara" speech.

     There was only one answer he could give.  "So, go.  What's
stoppin' ya?" he said coolly, manfully concealing his distress.

     Akane's mouth snapped shut on whatever she was about to say.
"What?" she said.

     "I said, go ahead an' leave if you wanna."  Was she
expecting him to beg her to stay or something?  Fat chance.
Anyway, it couldn't be as bad as that.  No way she'd leave for
real if he just stood firm.

     "How can you just say that?" Akane demanded.  "Don't you
care?"

     "Look, you got no business talkin' about caring when you're
the one who's talkin' about leaving," Ranma stated, feeling he'd
turned the tables neatly.  "Besides, why should I care?"  Just
give me a reason....

     Akane didn't hear his unvoiced plea.  Her stunned look only
lasted a moment before her eyebrows drew together and her chin
came up.  "So that's how you feel, then?  Well, fine!"

     "Fine!"  Ranma matched her hauteur, folding his arms and
turning away.

     "Hmpf!"  Akane scooped up the plate of chicken wings a la
carbon and marched out of the dojo, nose in the air.

     "Stupid snobby college-exam-crazy tomboy," Ranma grumbled,
punting the spilled chicken wings out the door with a flick of
his foot, but careful to miss the koi pond; the fish didn't
deserve that kind of torture.  With any luck a cat would try to
eat them.

     ~~~~~

     Akane stopped on the walkway from the dojo to the house.
Her blood was boiling with the need to clobber something or
someone, but it struggled with her dismay at the shambles into
which her careful plans had collapsed.  She couldn't ask him what
she wanted to ask.  Not now, not after what he'd said.  She just
couldn't... but she couldn't walk away, either.

     While she was trying to talk herself into it, the chance
escaped; she heard Ranma stomp out of the dojo, snort something
uncomplimentary in her general direction, and take to the
rooftops.  She managed to restrain the urge to hurl the plate of
chicken wings after him, but it was hard.  If it hadn't been one
of the good plates... if he hadn't been undeserving of the
delicious food she'd made with her own hands... if she hadn't
been unwilling to give him the satisfaction... oooh!

     "Why does he have to make me so MAAAAAD?" Akane asked the
night peevishly.  She'd show him.  She'd go away to college, and
she'd have a great time, and he'd miss her, and then he'd be
sorry.

     Or maybe tomorrow he'd be more reasonable.  Maybe he'd sleep
on it and realize this was serious.  Maybe he'd realize what
she'd been just about to ask him and he'd say he was sorry for
being such a jerk and ask if he could come along, not to go to
college himself, but just to be with her.

     Maybe P-chan would grow wings and fly to the moon.

     Not that she cared one way or the other.

     She glared down at the slightly-- but not excessively-- over-
browned chicken wings, picked one up, and took a vicious bite out
of it.

     "Glaaaargh!"

     ~~~~~

     Akane was helping out by drying dishes after breakfast the
next morning when Kasumi asked, "So how did the spicy chicken
wings go over?"

     Akane grimaced.  "They didn't."

     "Oh, dear...."

     "I really don't know what went wrong," Akane said, putting
down a dry bowl and picking up a wet one.  "The recipe said it
was easy, and I followed it exactly.  Well, there was obviously a
typo in the amount of tabasco, so I fixed that.  And I had to
convert grams to tablespoons, 'cause the scale wasn't working
right.  The directions didn't mention flambe, but you know how
they leave obvious things out.  They should have come out fine."

     Kasumi rinsed a cup and put it in the drainer.  "Strange,
isn't it."

     "Maybe I should have asked you for help after all."

     "Well, I would have been glad to, of course."

     "I just wanted to prove I could do it myself, though.  One
of these days I'll show that jerk.  I can too cook."  Frowning,
Akane slapped the bowl onto the stack.  It clattered loudly, but
fortunately didn't break.

     "Akane," Kasumi ventured, watching her hands moving in the
soapsuds, "now that you and Ranma-kun are out of school, you know
they'll bring up marriage again...."

     Akane groaned.  "Good grief.  You'd think they'd have
learned by now."

     "You're not still opposed to it after all this time, are
you?"

     "Of course I'm still opposed to it!  Nothing's changed!
He's still half a man and all pervert, he still chases other
girls instead of behaving like a proper fiance, and he doesn't
appreciate it when I try to do something nice for him."  Worst of
all, he's opposed to it, she thought.  I can't say I'll marry
someone who won't say he'll marry me....

     "I really don't think he's as bad as all that, Akane."

     "He's worse," Akane said grimly.  "Last night I found out he
didn't take any college entrance exams."  He hadn't been planning
and working to go with her after all; he'd just been goofing off.
Maybe he really didn't care that she was leaving....  "He doesn't
even WANT to go to college.  Well, I do."

     Kasumi sighed.  "We can't all have what we want, you know."

     "Sorry, Oneechan," Akane said with a remorseful look.  "I
know you wanted to go, and your exam scores were good enough to,
but, well....  Nabiki's been going for this last year, though.
And I got that scholarship, even, so money's not a problem.  I
can't pass this chance up."

     "But what about your engagement to Ranma-kun?"

     Akane shrugged.  "It wasn't my idea in the first place.  But
I suppose we can pick up where we left off when I get back," she
allowed.  "Maybe."  Maybe if she really went away, Ranma would
follow her. That would certainly prove something... and if he
didn't, that would prove something else.

     "Oh, Akane... do you really think he'll wait four years for
you?  Maybe more?"

     "If he takes the engagement seriously, he will."  Akane
liked her idea better the more she thought about it.  She could
find out how he really felt without having to risk disclosing her
own feelings.  "If he doesn't, why should I?"  It was a win-win
situation... wasn't it?

     After Akane had dried the last dish and gone, Kasumi
continued to stand there for some time, gazing at her unsmiling
reflection in the window over the sink.

     ~~~~~

     Lazing on the engawa of his home, Ranma contemplated a
completely uncommitted day.  Workout, check.  Morning bath etc.,
check.  Breakfast, check.

     "Oh, Ranma...."

     Ranma raised his voice in reply.  "Yeah, Momma?"

     "Oh, good, you're still here," Nodoka said, coming to the
doorway to the tearoom.  "You don't have any plans for tonight,
do you?  Ones you can't put off, I mean?  I know some lucky girl
will be disappointed...."

     Ranma managed not to roll his eyes.  "No big deal.  What's
up?"

     "We-- you, your father, and I-- are going to the Tendos'
after supper, all right?"

     "I guess." Ranma eyed his mother with suspicion.  "What
for?"

     "A meeting of the families," Nodoka said.  "We have some
things to discuss.  I'm sure you can guess what."

     "Oh, jeez," Ranma sighed.

     Nodoka smiled indulgently.  "Now, dear, it won't be that
bad."  She went back into the house.

     Well, a mostly uncommitted day, anyway.  He'd been thinking
about going over to the Tendos' to try to annoy Akane into
getting over her snit about that silly college stuff, though, and
now it probably wouldn't do any good; she always got so cranky
when anyone brought up marriage.  Let's see, where were we:
breakfast, check--

     "Nihao, Ranma!"

     --violent, persistent, cute chick from China, check.
"Mornin', Shampoo.  Little early for you, isn't it?"

     Shampoo giggled, smoothing down her short dress.  "I happy
you notice.  Come by before Nekohanten open.  Bring treats."

     "Treats?" Ranma said with interest.  "What kind?"

     Shampoo presented a parcel with a flourish.  "Special dim
sum."

     "Special how?"  Ranma eyed the parcel with suspicion.  It
sure smelled good, though.  "No tricks?"

     "Is treat, is not trick," Shampoo said, pouting a little.
"Special ingredient only for, how you say, vigor."

     "Huh."  Vigor was always a good thing, wasn't it?  Ranma
took the proffered package, unwrapped it, and devoured its
content, which tasted even better than it smelled.  "Just one?"
he asked, licking his fingers.  "Thought you said 'treats'."

     "Shan Pu have plenty treats.  Ranma see something he like,
just say word," Shampoo purred, posing provocatively.

     "Urk."  Ranma recoiled, but his eyes couldn't help giving
Shampoo's curves a once-over.  Noticing, she preened happily.

     "Ran-chan!  Get away from that slut!"

     Cross-dressing childhood friend, check-- wait a minute, were
those bandages on Ucchan?  Oh, boy.  And Shampoo was moving a
little stiffly, now that he came to think of it.  Good thing
Kodachi wasn't a morning person--

     "Ranma, you have a visitor!"

     "Coming, Momma!" he called automatically.

     "Good morning, Ranma-sama!  When you didn't come by last
night, I knew you must have been taken suddenly ill, so I brought
you some home remedies-- curses!  You two!"

     --well, she wasn't usually.  Crazy spoiled rich girl, check.

     "Ranma, don't let them fight here!" Nodoka hissed urgently.
Ranma blinked.  Sure enough, they were squaring off again, with
him at the fourth corner, which meant the house was about to
become an innocent bystander.  He dismissed the first idea to pop
into his head-- calm reason would get nowhere with these gals--
and acted on the second.  Scooping Kodachi up in his arms, he
bounced to the top of the wall and kept going.

     "Aiya!  Ranma, you wait!"

     "Ranchan, come back here!"

     "Ah, to be swept away in your strong embrace!  How happy I
am!" Kodachi enthused over the rush of the wind.

     "Yeah, right."  Ranma dodged a spray of little spatulas
without stopping.  I grabbed one so the others would follow, he
thought, and I grabbed YOU 'cause you'd gain the least by it.  He
noticed something smeared on his sleeve where it brushed
Kodachi's arm.  "What the hell?"  The smear was the color of
aristocratic skin.

     "Alas, you have penetrated my disguise," Kodachi mourned,
following his glance.  "I sought to conceal my injuries with
makeup, but of course I should have known it would not fool you."

     "Injuries?"  Now he could see the colorful marks of a bruise
where the makeup had rubbed off.  Damn.

     "Oh, nothing terribly serious.  I would suffer far greater
pains for your sake," Kodachi said, biting her lip dramatically.

     "Whatever."  What to do, what to do... Shampoo would have to
go to work pretty soon, probably, but unless Ucchan had changed
her hours her place wouldn't open until afternoon, and Kodachi
could do whatever she wanted.  Time to complicate things by
getting Mousse and Kuno involved, and maybe Konatsu.  Too bad
Ryoga was never around when he'd be useful.

     ~~~~~

     Ranma returned home at suppertime, dragging herself along on
a staff, covered with lumps, bruises, and scrapes.  She could
easily imagine himself a hundred years old, short and wizened
like Happosai, but with white hair braided into a pigtail and
without underwear... er, anybody else's underwear, that is.
Ucchan would still be swinging a spatula, but it'd be taller than
her; Shampoo would be a lot like Cologne, except maybe not quite
so dried up; Kodachi would have an old lady's elegance, but her
laugh would be as loopy as ever.  And Akane, gray-haired and
spry, would still be pounding him flat and calling him a jerk.

     It would be great.

     She really couldn't understand why her friends were out to
hurt or maybe even kill each other... and why some of them were
out for HER blood, come to that.  Couldn't they see it was all a
big game, and she was way ahead on points?

     Time for big changes, hell.  The only change her life needed
was for some people to lighten up.  And to get rid of this stupid
curse, of course.

     "I'm home!" Ranma called, setting her staff aside and
wearily dropping the shoes that fit his feet but didn't fit hers
inside the front door.

     "Welcome back, Ranma," Nodoka called back.  "Did you have a
good day?  Oh, dear," she added, coming around the corner and
catching sight of Ranma's dishevelment.

     "Better'n some," Ranma said with satisfaction.  "I'm fine,
Momma, really."

     "Oh, good.  Some of those stains will be hard to get out,
though.  And I'm not sure how much more mending that poor shirt
can take."

     Ranma shrugged.  "Sorry, Momma.  Such is the life of a
martial artist's, uh, mother," she said, adapting one of Nodoka's
sayings.

     "I suppose," Nodoka said with a reluctant smile.  "Go on,
you just have time to bathe and change before supper."

     ~~~~~

     Nodoka had chosen a kimono with a subdued, almost severe
pattern for the visit to the Tendos', Ranma saw as he met his
parents in the entryway of the Saotome house, but it was Genma
who was really a surprise: his ol' man was dressed in a five-
crested kimono himself rather than his usual ratty way-off-white
gi.  "Nice threads, Pops," Ranma remarked.  "How come you didn't
pawn 'em?"

     "I did," Genma replied with dignity.  "They rested safe and
sound at the pawnshop until I needed them, and then I redeemed
them.  Oh, what a trial it is to have such a foolish son!"

     "Listen, you--!"

     "Now, now, Ranma, you can fight later."  Nodoka's smile
faded, and she regarded him seriously.  "You know why we're going
to the Tendos', don't you?"

     "Yeah, yeah."  Ranma shifted uncomfortably.  "It's about the
engagement, right?"

     "Yes."

     "Aw, jeez.  Look, I don't mind bein' engaged too much, but
every time you guys try to get me an' Akane married, things go
all to hell.  Can'tcha just give it a rest?"

     Gratifyingly, Nodoka didn't dismiss his concerns.  "I know
you have strong feelings about it, of course.  That's one of the
reasons we're meeting with the Tendos tonight: to try to resolve
your objections."

     "Well, good," Ranma said, taken a little aback.

     "But, for your part, I hope you'll understand that an
engagement isn't supposed to last forever.  It's just a phase you
go through on the way to marriage."

     "Yeah, but, y'know..."  Ranma just couldn't maintain his
rebelliousness in the face of his mother, so he switched targets.
"This is all Pops' fault," he grumbled, glaring at his father.

     Genma, his arms crossed and his face stern, lifted his head
a little so that his glasses glinted at Ranma, but he held his
peace.  Nodoka nodded gravely.  "I know you've suffered because I
wasn't there to help your father with those arrangements, but
Ranma, you do realize that everything he's done, he's done for
your sake, don't you?  I know some of those things may seem a
little harsh, but you can't fault his motives, can you?"

     "Well...."  Ranma trailed off, examining his feet.

     "We both have your best interests in mind, Ranma, always,"
Nodoka said with feeling, taking a step nearer and reaching out
to touch Ranma's arm.  "We truly want what's best for you, and
we're using all of our experience to try to find it.  This
time... well, your father and Tendo-san have tried several times
to hold a wedding, but they just can't seem to get it to work.
So this time, they've agreed to give me a chance to solve this my
way.  Please trust me, Ranma, won't you?"

     "All right, Momma," Ranma sighed, unable to resist his
mother's gentle coaxing.

     "That's my strong son," Nodoka said warmly, patting Ranma's
arm and lowering her hand.  "Now let's go, shall we?  It's a nice
evening for a walk."

     ~~~~~

     The Tendos' tearoom looked about the same as it had three
years before, but the atmosphere was rather more formal than it
had been the evening Soun had said "Choose whichever one you
like; she'll be your fiancee."  On the other side of the extended
table, from right to left, sat Soun, Kasumi, Nabiki, and Akane.
There was one more person present than there had been before:
Nodoka, to Ranma's left.  Ranma caught Akane's eye; she frowned,
looked away, and stuck her nose in the air with a "hmph!" of
irritation, and he matched it.

     "It's so nice that we can all meet here like this," Nodoka
began, smiling graciously.  "I suppose we've all guessed why
we're here, so since we're almost like family already, I'll get
right to the point.  Now that Ranma has graduated from high
school, it's time he took the next major step in a man's life."
Both Ranma and Akane jumped a little and looked apprehensive.

     "Jeez, Momma--" Ranma began to protest, but Nodoka patted
him on the thigh without looking at him and he subsided.

     "We've managed to save up enough money for another wedding;
the last four attempts cost us more than we could really afford,
you know.  So please forgive me for putting you on the spot like
this, Akane-chan, but I have to ask you: will you marry Ranma
this time?"

     "You must be joking, Oba-sama!" Akane exclaimed.  She darted
a quick glance at Ranma.  "And anyway, isn't HE supposed to ask
me that?"

     "Yeah, like I would!" Ranma burst out.

     Nodoka ignored him, instead giving Akane a puzzled look.
"It's an arranged marriage, Akane-chan.  Your fathers arranged
it, and now I'm trying to make it happen.  All either of you has
to do is allow it to proceed.  Will you?"

     "Why don't you ask HIM, then?" Akane demanded.

     "I intend to, but I wanted to give you the chance to speak
your mind first."

     Akane glanced at Ranma again, saw what looked like impatient
disinterest, and plunged ahead.  "Well, I won't.  Do you realize
this is the first time anyone has even asked me?  None of this
was my idea.  You all just pushed me into it and expected me to
go along with it."

     Nodoka nodded; clearly Akane's response came as no surprise
to her.

     Ranma still appeared indifferent, so Akane continued, "It
doesn't help that he's a girl half the time."

     "Oh, I settled that.  Despite his curse, he's still a man
among men," Nodoka replied calmly.

     "And that's another thing!  He's chasing other girls all the
time instead of paying attention to his fiancee!"

     "Now that is a serious matter," Nodoka said, quelling
Ranma's indignant response.  "Ranma, is this true?"

     Ranma, suddenly on the spot, recoiled.  "Huh?  No!"  He
collected himself.  "I don't have to chase them," he boasted,
watching with satisfaction as Akane fumed.

     "I'm sure you don't, Ranma, but that's not what I was
asking.  I mean, are you giving the same, ah, attentions to Akane-
chan that you are to your other companions?"

     Ranma's brow furrowed.  "Uh... pretty much, I guess--"  He
blanched suddenly.  "You're asking if I did THAT, with HER?
Hell, no!"

     "Ah, I see.  You were saving something for marriage, of
course," Nodoka said, nodding.

     "Like I would do THAT with that unsex--"

     "Please, Ranma.  Akane-chan," Nodoka continued, "you really
can't blame my son for being so attractive."

     "What she said."  Ranma stuck his tongue out at Akane.
Akane's lip curled back in the beginning of a snarl and she took
a grip on the edge of the table, but Nodoka placed her hand on
the tabletop in a warning gesture.

     "Also, I've got a chance to go away to college, and HE
can't," Akane said through gritted teeth.  "He didn't pass his
exams.  He didn't even take his exams!"

     "Hey, you callin' me stupid?"

     "Arrangements could be made to allow that, Akane-chan."

     "Could they?  I don't see him making them!  As far as I can
tell, he doesn't even care!"

     Nodoka paused for a moment to let out a sigh, then said
sadly, "Well, it's a pity.  I really had hoped... I mean,
obviously you seemed like the best match for Ranma at the time.
Why, if I'd been here, I probably would have done the same.  But
I see that you have good reason to be reluctant."

     "Of course I do," Akane agreed, flashing a triumphant look
at Ranma.  Ranma didn't respond; his attention was on his mother.

     "So it's clear that the best thing to do is to release you
from the engagement to my son."

     "Great-- what?"  Akane's eyes widened.

     "Gee, you must be really happy now," Ranma observed without
enthusiasm.

     "Yes... happy...."  Akane smiled stiffly.  "Yes, of course,
happy.  Thanks so much for understanding, Oba-sama."  She bit her
lip and lowered her gaze.

     "So I'm off the hook, then?" Ranma asked, looking slightly
stunned.

     "Oh, no, of course not.  The agreement was for the Saotome
and Tendo families to be joined by marriage.  You're our only
son, but Tendo-san has three daughters."

     Fastest on the uptake, Nabiki was waving her hands in front
of her before Nodoka had finished her sentence.  "Now wait just a
second here!"

     "Oh, I wasn't thinking of you, Nabiki-chan."

     Nabiki blinked in surprise.  "You weren't?  Why not?"

     "Do you want to marry my son?" Nodoka said, regarding the
middle Tendo soberly.

     "Hardly," Nabiki snorted.  "But nobody likes to be skipped
over like that."

     "Well, you've been engaged to Ranma once already... and,
from what I've heard, it, er, didn't work out well."

     "That's a delicate way to put it."  Nabiki's eyes narrowed.
"But whose side of the story did you hear?"

     "Oh, Kasumi-chan told me all about it," Nodoka said,
gesturing to where the eldest Tendo daughter sat on her shins,
staring at her hands folded in her lap.

     Three sets of eyes followed her gesture, and three minds
subtracted two from three and got the same answer:

     "Kasumi-oneechan?"  "Kasumi-oneechan?"  "Kasumi-san?"

     "Hold it!" Akane protested.  "You can't possibly be thinking
of doing that to-- to Kasumi-oneechan!  Father, say something!"

     Soun, who had sat immobile opposite Genma with his arms
folded and a grave, downcast expression up until then, turned and
looked down the table at his youngest daughter.  "It would
fulfill the agreement to join the families, Akane."

     "But you CAN'T!  He's three years younger than she is, for
goodness' sake!  He's a sex-changing, womanizing pervert!"

     "Hey, you--!"

     "He's not NICE!"

     "And you ARE, you uncute tomboy?"

     "Why on Earth would you think Kasumi-oneechan would agree to
marry him, anyway?"

     "Um... I will."

     "Better her than YOU!"

     "How could you put her in the same spot you shoved me into,
without even asking... her...."  Akane trailed off and her jaw
dropped.  "WHAT did you say?!"

     "Uh...."  Ranma looked like he had trouble believing he'd
said it himself.

     "Not you, you blockhead."  Akane's attention was focused on
her sister.

     "I'm willing to marry Ranma-kun," Kasumi said softly without
raising her head, "if he is willing."

     The ensuing silence was broken by an awed "Holy shit."

     "Language, dear," Nodoka murmured.

     "Fine!" Akane snapped, recovering from her astonishment.
"Go ahead and be engaged to him, then, and see how you like it.
It suits me just fine.  I wash my hands of the whole mess."

     "Yeah, just like your cooking," Ranma snorted.  "At least
Kasumi-san's is fit to eat.  In fact, it's delicious."

     "You-- you JERK!"
     
     "Hey, this might not be so bad," Ranma continued inexorably.
"Kasumi-san won't hit me every five minutes for things that
aren't my fault, either."

     "What?!"

     "And she's a looker, too.  Stands to reason the first one
out would get it all."

     Nabiki shook her head in disgust.  "Ranma-kun, you jerk."

     "See?  See what you're getting?" Akane demanded of Kasumi.
"I feel for you, really, but don't come crying to me when you
finally figure it out.  I never wanted to be engaged to him, and
I wouldn't marry him if he were the last man-- make that half-
man-- on Earth!"

     Akane's words hung in the silence for a long moment.
Ranma's face twitched twice, as though stuck between expressions,
and then--  "Is that so?" Ranma retorted angrily.  "That's how it
is, is it?  Well, bein' engaged to Kasumi-san 'stead of you is
fine with me too!  Good riddance!  'Bout time I had a fiancee who
wants to be one!"

     "Hmph."  Akane turned away, folding her arms.  "As if.  I
give this stupid engagement a week at the most."

     "That will be more than enough time," Nodoka put in.

     "What?"

     "The wedding will take place tomorrow afternoon, here in the
dojo," said Soun.  Genma nodded in confirmation.

     "Tomorrow?" said Akane, Ranma, and Nabiki in unison.  Akane
shot Ranma a brief glance filled with dismay, but Ranma was still
looking at Soun with surprise.  When Ranma darted a remarkably
similar glance at Akane an instant later, she appeared to be
furious with the ceiling, and his expression closed up again.

     "We tried a long engagement, and ended up just wasting your
time," Nodoka explained, "so now we'll have a nice short one.
Oh, by the way, it seems fair that since Kasumi-chan is the
eldest daughter and my husband and I could, in theory, have
another son, Ranma will take the name of Tendo.  Kasumi-chan has
already said she's willing.  Ranma, you will marry Kasumi-chan,
won't you?"

     "I, uh...."  Ranma dithered for a moment, his eyes darting
around the room, but there was no escape from his mother's
expectant look.  Then his gaze was caught by Kasumi's as her face
came up at last.  She wasn't smiling.  Her expression was serious
and vulnerable... and fetching.  The others watched with bated
breath as he stared into her eyes.  "Yeah," he said finally, and
his shoulders slumped.

     Akane uttered a small sound and sat back down hard on her
heels with a shocked look.  Nabiki had her hand over her own
mouth.  Kasumi lowered her head again.  Soun and Genma exchanged
triumphant looks and grunts.  "Well done, Ranma," Nodoka said.
"Everything will turn out for the best, you'll see."

     "Yeah... sure..." Ranma said in a faraway voice.  "'Scuse,
please."  He got up quickly and left by the hallway.  The sound
of the front door opening and closing came into the tearoom much
sooner than anyone there expected.

     ~~~~~

     Perched atop a power pole, Ranma stared out over Nerima's
night-mantled rooftops, unseeing.  It had taken a while to sink
in, and it was still sinking.  Akane really didn't love him.  The
knowledge was a hot, jagged mass in his chest, making his breath
come in shallow gasps.  The sensation was not unfamiliar; he'd
felt this way once before, when it seemed that Akane had chosen
Shinnosuke, but this time it was much worse.  Then, he could at
least cling to the thought that Akane still liked him, but liked
Shinnosuke more, galling though the loss in a competition was;
now, there was no one else.  It was just him.  Even the damn
curse was only part of it.  Akane didn't want to marry him,
didn't want to be engaged to him, didn't even particularly want
to be in the same town as him-- she actually thought more school,
a fate only a little better than death, was preferable!  There
was nothing between them.

     Well, that wasn't true... there was something, just not
enough.  Akane liked him a little.  She was nice to him,
sometimes.  But Akane was nice to everyone, even assholes like
Pantyhose-Taro.  Even Kuno got politeness, at least when he
wasn't grabbing her; when he grabbed her, he got clobbered, as
was only right and proper.  Akane clobbered Ranma himself with
less provocation, but that was all right too; she didn't really
mean it, she was just roughhousing with him like Ryoga and all
his other friends did.

     Friends.  Ranma smiled wryly at the darkness, a smile which
didn't reach his eyes.  Akane thought of him as a friend:
somebody to hang around with, someone to let off steam by
clobbering, a companion on wacky adventures.  But "friends"
wasn't a reason to marry somebody, to say "I will" the way Kasumi
had--

          Could Kasumi-san... love me?  The thought was
startling.  Kasumi liked him, sure, but Kasumi liked everyone.
Even Hinako-sensei got the pleasant smile, at least when she
wasn't trying to get Soun's attention.  But he'd thought that
Kasumi wanted him to get together with Akane.  The only times
they'd ever talked about anything other than routine please-pass-
the-shoyu stuff, she was chiding him gently to be nicer to Akane
in one way or another.  Well, maybe she'd known for a while what
he'd just figured out-- that Akane didn't want him-- and decided
this was her chance.  The look she'd given him... he couldn't
have said "no" to that look without a really good reason to hold
out.

     Like the reason he didn't have any more.

     At any rate, something had given her a reason to agree to
marry him, which was more than Akane had ever done.  It might be
love, or it might be the same reason he'd agreed to marry Kasumi.

     Duty.  Akane didn't want him.  He couldn't have what he
wanted, and it was only now, too late, that he understood how
much he wanted it.  Akane was lost to him.  To pursue her would
make him as pathetic as Mousse, or even Kuno.  All that was left
was duty to his mother, and the promise to unite the families,
and the prospect of making Kasumi happy, at least.

     The thoughts coiled slowly through his mind as the night
deepened, but their tracks didn't change.  Finally he let out a
deep sigh and scrubbed wearily at his face with his hands.

     "Goodbye," he said softly, looking back at the Tendo house.
By chance or some unconscious design, the pole he'd chosen for
his retreat was easily visible from there; if anyone had come
out, wanting to talk him out of something, or into something, she
would have spotted him right away.  But no one had, and now he'd
made his decision.  Duty was all that remained to him.  He would
marry Kasumi tomorrow, and that was all there was to it.

     Ranma grimaced suddenly.  They're not gonna like this.  His
mind's eye saw Kasumi, working in the kitchen, or hanging
laundry, or walking with a shopping basket... and he saw Shampoo
enter the kitchen with a sword in her hand and a glint in her
eye, or Ukyo vault the wall with her spatula ready to swing, or
Kodachi drop from a rooftop, her ribbon twirling.  Two of the
scenarios ended with a short scream and a splash of crimson, and
the third wasn't much better.

     His duty was clear, and his thought clearer: I can't let
that happen.  Ranma dropped from the pole and sped away, his
movements decisive, his expression determined.

     ~~~~~

     Mousse polished a tabletop with a damp cloth, putting enough
force into it to endanger the integrity of the plastic laminate,
and ground his teeth in the same rhythm.  Across the deserted
restaurant, Shampoo chattered happily to Cologne about where she
would go and what she would do as soon as the day's work was
over.  With every description, Mousse muttered vile curses upon
Saotome's bones.

     The front door burst open, jingling the little bell loudly,
and Mousse turned towards the sound.  "Sorry, we're closed," he
growled to the blur in the doorway.  He slid his glasses down
over his eyes.  "You!"

     "Yeah, me," Ranma said truculently, striding in.  "Listen--"

     "Airen!" Shampoo cried gladly.  "You here!  I so happy!"
She bounced across the room, arms open wide to embrace Ranma; he
tried to dodge with more alacrity than usual, but Shampoo was
prepared for targets playing hard-to-get.  She homed unerringly
in and hit Ranma with a full-body hug.  "Now no need go looking!"

     Mousse, whose internal pressure had been building for some
time, hit redline.  "You bastard, get away from Shan Pu!" he
shouted, taking an impotent step towards the entwined couple.

     "Dammit!"  Ranma reached up and back, grabbed Shampoo's
arms, and pried her off with a heroic effort, shoving her away
and letting go in one motion.  Shampoo staggered back with a look
of shock.  "I came to see Cologne!"

     "Decided to choose experience over youth, eh?" came
Cologne's amused voice.

     Ranma made a slashing gesture with one palm.  "Can it.  I
gotta talk to you, old hag," he snapped.  He glanced at Shampoo
and Mousse, his eyes hard.  "Take a hike, both o' ya."

     The harsh and peremptory tone of Ranma's command gave Mousse
pause, but Shampoo folded her arms and turned half away.  "You
talk to Great-grandma, you talking about Shan Pu.  I stay."

     "How dare you address Shan Pu in such a manner!"  Mousse
flung his arms out and chained weapons streamed from his sleeves,
aimed to bind and rend his nemesis.  Expecting Ranma to bounce
clear and circle as usual, he prepared to follow up with another
assault, but a flash of red and black slipped inside the fan of
chains and struck.  Mousse doubled over, eyes wide behind his
thick glasses; the rage and frustration fueling Ranma's attack
were too familar to mistake.  Another blow sent him flying
straight out the open door.  He smashed backwards into the wall
opposite the Nekohanten, hung for a moment in his own personal
crater, then collapsed.

     Ranma dusted his palms together and turned to Shampoo.  "I
said, take a hike."

     "I stay," Shampoo repeated, but she sounded less sure of
herself.

     "Crap, what's the point of defeating you if you won't do
what I say?" Ranma complained.  "You know damn well I can do to
you what I just did to Mousse, so why don't we just skip it?"

     "You want defeat Joketsuzoku woman, you got do, not talk,"
Shampoo stated.  She dropped into a combat stance facing Ranma,
her eyes proclaiming her determination to go down fighting.

     Ranma's face hardened.  "Don't say I didn't warn ya."  He
shifted his weight a little, and Shampoo tensed.

     Cologne moved first, thrusting the gnarled head of her staff
between the locked gazes of the two martial artists.  "Enough.
While I'm sure this would be educational for both of you, it's
getting late and I need my beauty sleep.  Shan Pu, leave us."

     "Great-grandma!" Shampoo protested, turning away from Ranma
and planting her hands on her hips.  "Why you on his side?"

     "I'm curious to hear what he has to say."  Cologne shrugged.
"I know you are, too.  Think of it as an exercise in self-
discipline."

     "But--"

     "And take Mu Si with you out of earshot, there's a good
girl."

     For a moment, it seemed that Shampoo would rebel, or at
least argue, but then she gave an exasperated frown and slumped a
little.  "Yes, Great-grandma."  She flashed the frown at Ranma
before turning on her heel and stomping out of the restaurant,
slamming the miraculously-intact door behind her.

     "One of these days she won't do as I say," Cologne observed
to the air.  "May the day come soon."  She glanced up at Ranma,
her eyes shrewd below her wrinkled brow and silver hair.  "What's
on your mind, Bridegroom?"

     "Funny you should call me that, 'cause I'm gettin' married
tomorrow."  Ranma's expression denied that there was anything
funny about it.

     "Well, it's about time!" Cologne cackled.  "I figured you'd
come to your senses eventually.  I could wish you'd given us more
warning, though!  Let's see, the wedding feast won't be any
problem-- we can have it here-- but there are a lot of other
preparations to make... hmm.  Tell you what, Bridegroom, how
about just having a party here and have the real wedding when we
get back to China?  That way Shan Pu's friends can attend."

     Ranma's jaw dropped.  "Huh?  You getting stupid in your old
age?  It's not Shampoo I'm getting married to!"

     "Oh, I see.  Well, I can live with that, and it's not
forbidden by three thousand years of Joketsuzoku tradition, no
matter what the Chinese government says.  I'll be interested to
see how you talk Shan Pu into bigamy, but if you managed to
persuade Akane, that shouldn't be too hard for you...."

     "It's not Akane I'm marrying, either," Ranma said evenly.

     Cologne raised a wispy eyebrow.  "Really?  Remarkable.  I
find it hard to believe you'd marry Ukyo, and impossible to
believe Kodachi.  Well, don't keep an old lady in suspense."

     "I'm marrying Kasumi-san tomorrow," said Ranma, sounding
like he had trouble believing it himself.

     "Are you indeed?  Well, well."  Cologne was silent for a
moment.  "So, when are you marrying Shan Pu?  She'll want to
know, you know."

     "I'm not gonna marry Shampoo."

     "Yes, you are," Cologne said confidently.

     "The hell I am!"

     Cologne sighed.  "Bridegroom, please try to keep to a higher
standard of argument here.  As I was about to say, you have an
obligation to marry Shan Pu.  You and your father ate her
Champion's Prize, which started all this; you defeated her in
combat several times, and custom states--"

     "I ain't Joketsuzoku and we're not in China, so your dumb
customs don't matter," Ranma maintained.

     "I disagree, but even if that were a valid argument, there's
still the way you led her on.  Several times Shan Pu's affection
for you wavered, and each time you went to ridiculous lengths to
keep her interest.  She's lost three precious years of her youth
trying to capture you, and you bear some responsibility for
that."

     Ranma winced; there was too much truth in that to deny out
of hand.  "I, uh, well, Shampoo's kinda cute an' all, but I
don't... I mean...."

     "So just come back to China with us and marry Shan Pu,
Bridegroom.  It's the right thing to do."

     "I can't do that," Ranma said firmly.  "I gotta marry Kasumi-
san.  Our fathers promised."

     "Pah.  Men," Cologne said, dismissing the petty pacts of all
fathers with a derisive wave of her wizened hand.

     "My momma's got her heart set on it, too."

     That, on the other hand, gave Cologne pause.  "I... see."

     "And Kasumi-san said she would... and I said I would.  I
gotta marry her, and that's that."

     "Your duty to Shan Pu predates that," Cologne insisted.

     "Not gonna happen.  I'm gonna marry Kasumi-san, and I'm not
gonna marry Shampoo."

     "Easier said than done," remarked Cologne, and the threat
under her words reminded Ranma why he was there.

     "Could be, but I'm gonna do it anyway.  And I'm warnin' ya
not to let Shampoo take it out on Kasumi-san."

     Cologne shrugged.  "Why would I stop her?  By Joketsuzoku
customs, an outsider woman who stands between a warrior and her
chosen mate merits death."

     Ranma rolled his eyes.  "You coulda just said 'obstacle is
for killing' like Shampoo does, ya know.  I'm tellin' ya it works
both ways.  Kasumi-san gets hurt over my dead body.  If I gotta
hurt someone else to stop that, then that's just what's gonna
happen.  If someone tries to kill Kasumi-san...."  He shrugged
carelessly, but his expression was tense.

     "You know I won't take it lightly if you kill Shan Pu,"
Cologne stated bluntly.

     "You know I won't take it lightly if Shampoo tries to kill
Kasumi-san," Ranma echoed.  "So a lot of bad stuff will happen if
you don't stop her.  So stop her."

     Cologne thumped her staff on the floor in pique.  "Just
marry Shan Pu, you young fool!"

     "I told ya, I'm not gonna DO that, ya ol' bat!"

     ~~~~~

     "We're not getting anywhere," Ranma rasped some time later.

     Cologne sighed heavily.  "It is tiresome, isn't it."  She
waved her staff at the table nearest the kitchen.  "Tell you
what, sit down and I'll get us something to drink."  She hopped
off into the kitchen, and Ranma wearily sank into a chair and
listened to the busy sounds of tea preparation.

     Cologne came out with a laden tray, set the cups on the
table, and poured.  Ranma picked up a cup and blew on it to cool
it a little.  "Thanks."  He sipped cautiously.

     "You're welcome, Bridegroom."  Cologne rolled her own cup
between her palms, staring into the amber liquid.

     "I really wish you'd stop calling me that," Ranma said
without heat.

     "Well, I was planning to stop calling you 'Bridegroom' when
I started calling you 'Son-in-law'...."

     "Not gonna happen," Ranma muttered.  "Look, explain this
stupid law to me again, willya?"

     "Hah, hoping to find a loophole, are you?"

     "Yeah, something like that."  Ranma sipped his tea again.
"You gotta know the law inside an' out, right?  Figure out a way
I can do everything I have to without anyone gettin' hurt."

     Cologne glanced up at the young man, her eyebows raised.
"You amaze me, Ranma.  I never expected you to propose a
compromise."

     "Is that what you call it?"

     "We say a compromise is a deal in which both parties are
equally dissatisfied.  We won't go away and leave you alone,
which would satisfy you; you won't come with us, which would
satisfy us.  If we get less than we want, so should you."

     "I can't have what I want anyway," Ranma said quietly.

     "Ah."  Cologne gave Ranma a canny glance.  "Well, Shan Pu
wants a trophy husband, of course--"

     "A WHAT?" Ranma interrupted indignantly.

     Cologne shrugged.  "Come now, don't act so shocked.  They do
that here all the time, just backwards: men of wealth and power
marry beautiful women to show off their own status.  The harder
it is for Shan Pu to trap her man, the more status she gains by
it... and you led her on a chase that should become a legend to
future generations."

     "Huh."  Put that way, it didn't sound so bad.  Flattering,
even.

     "Speaking of future generations, I want strong children for
the tribe.  That's what the law is for."

     "My momma thinks I oughta be leavin' babies all over
Nerima," Ranma muttered.

     "Your mother is not a foolish woman."  Cologne returned
Ranma's shocked glance with a bland gaze.  "Shan Pu would be more
than happy to cooperate with that where she is concerned, as you
know.  So here's a compromise for you: I'll see that Shan Pu
doesn't harm your family, if you'll father her children."

     "WHAT?!"  Ranma stood, knocking the chair back.  The teapot
bounced and clattered on the tray as he slammed his fists into
the table.  "You're NUTS!  I can't do that!"

     "Of course you can," Cologne responded.  "Why couldn't you?
Most young men would jump at the chance."

     "It--  I--  It's just wrong!  I'm marryin' Kasumi-san!  I'm
not gonna go cheatin' on her!"

     "Your loyalty is commendable, Ranma, but perhaps...
misplaced."  Cologne paused to let Ranma simmer down a little.
"It's clear you will protect Kasumi, and I'm sure you'll be kind
to her in your own way, and provide for her as best you can.  A
few frolics with Shan Pu won't change that, especially if she
never finds out.  What she doesn't know won't hurt her."

     "I'LL know!"

     "True... but think on this: don't you feel bad about your
part in making Shan Pu chase you all this time?"  Cologne paused
long enough for Ranma to drop his eyes and give a small, guilty
shrug of assent.  "Wouldn't you feel better if you made Shan Pu
happy?"

     "Well...."

     "Tell you what, I'll sweeten the deal.  I'll even take Shan
Pu back to China if you'll come over from time to time to warm
her bed and let her show you off to her admiring peers.  That way
you won't have to worry about one of your women bumping into the
other inconveniently."

     Ranma's face twisted in indecision.  "I suppose...."

     "It's the best offer you'll get.  It's better than Kasumi,
Shan Pu, and you getting your young and promising lives cut
short," Cologne added brutally.  "Your mother gets what she
wants, I get what I want, Shan Pu gets part of what she wants--
and more than she was likely to get the way things were going, I
have to admit-- and you satisfy two of the conflicting claims on
your much-abused honor."

     Ranma slumped and thought about it.  He could find no flaws
in Cologne's reasoning, and was uncomfortably aware that the
Joketsuzoku elder could talk rings around him... but this sounded
like a fair deal.  Cheating on Akane this way would have been out
of the question for his own reasons, never mind that Akane would
have raged to the heavens themselves.  But Kasumi wasn't Akane.
If he couldn't have Akane....  "All right," he said finally, and
for the second time that evening felt the weight of fate.

     "Good," Cologne said, sounding more satisfied than someone
who'd just struck a compromise ought.  "Now to explain this to
Shan Pu."

     "Uh, I'll just be going, then," Ranna said nervously, edging
towards the door.  He could imagine what Shampoo's reaction would
be like.

     "You're not going anywhere, sonny," Cologne said with
authority.  "There are a few little formalities you need to take
care of first."  She went to the front door of the restaurant and
opened it.  Ranma was relieved to see that Shampoo wasn't
crouched on the other side with her ear at keyhole height.  He
followed Cologne out into the street.

     Shampoo was visible halfway down the block, pacing in a
tight circle near Mousse.  Mousse was embedded in the wall again,
but this time face-first and head down; it was obvious that he'd
done something to arouse Shampoo's ire, and it didn't really
matter what.  Her head snapped around at Cologne's hail, and then
Shampoo came running up the street, looking worried.  "What
happen?" she demanded, stopping by Ranma but not grabbing him.

     "Come inside and we'll tell you," Cologne said, turning and
going in.  When they were all seated around the table again,
Cologne on one side and Shampoo next to Ranma on the other, she
continued.  "There's good news and bad news.  Which do you want
first?"

     "Um... good news."

     Cologne eyed her descendant narrowly.  "Very well.  The good
news is that Ranma has agreed to father your children."

     "WHAT!"  Mousse stood stricken by the front door, having
come in just in time to hear Cologne's announcement.  "I won't
allow it!"

     "Yes-yes-yes-yes!"  Shampoo, doing a victory dance by her
fallen chair with her eyes squeezed into happy little arches and
her fists pumping, showed no sign that she was aware of Mousse's
distress or even Mousse's presence.  "I so happy!  I waiting so
long!  We start now, yes?"  She grabbed Ranma's hand and started
to drag him out of his chair, then changed her mind and flung
herself into his lap.

     "YOU'RE DEAD, SAOTOME!" Mousse roared, charging forward with
bright steel sprouting from his robes.

     Shampoo blinked in surprise.  "Mu Si, where you come from?
Aiya!" she added as Ranma tried to jump to his feet.  Hampered by
girl, chair, and table, he fell over backwards and crashed to the
floor.

     Before Mousse could take advantage, Cologne intervened,
blurring over to the other side of the table and smacking Mousse
over the head with her staff.  "I knew you were going to be
trouble, but I wasn't expecting it so soon," she observed,
dumping a glass of water over the stunned youth.  She grabbed the
resulting wet duck by the neck and carried him into the kitchen.
A cage clanged shut, and then Cologne came back.

     "Shan Pu, the bad news is as bad as the good news is good,"
Cologne said gently.

     Shampoo's eyes widened and she stopped trying to snuggle on
the floor with Ranma, who wasn't resisting but wasn't
cooperating.  "That very, very bad, Great-grandma," she said.
"What bad news?"

     "You'll have to wait another year or so."

     "No make sense.  Why wait?  Start trying tonight!"  Shampoo
turned back to Ranma, still pinned under her and tangled in the
chair.

     Cologne sighed.  "Tell her, Bridegroom."

     "Uh...."  Ranma stared up into the violet eyes six inches
from his own and gulped.  "I'm gettin' married tomorrow,
Shampoo."

     "Of course you getting married tomorrow, silly man," Shampoo
giggled.  "Start honeymoon tonight, though."  Her expression
changed.  "This bad news-- not marry Shan Pu you talking?"  She
didn't wait for an answer, scrambling to her feet and heading
purposefully for the stairs.  "I go kill Akane now.  Should have
killed long time ago," she said though her teeth.

     "Wrong Tendo."  Cologne blocked her path.  "Bridegroom is
marrying Kasumi."

     Shampoo stopped and put her hands to her mouth, appalled.
"Aiyaaaaa," she said softly.  Her expression firmed again.  "I go
kill Kasumi, then."  Her voice wasn't as determined, though.

     "No.  That was the price for Ranma's agreement: that you
would not attack his family, Saotome or Tendo."

     "NO!" Shampoo shrieked after a shocked moment.  "NO!  Great-
grandma, you no agree that for Shan Pu!  I no give up!  I NEVER
give up!"

     "Great-granddaughter," Cologne said evenly, "you mustn't
attack Kasumi.  He will stop you."  Shampoo whirled and looked at
Ranma, now on his feet; Ranma nodded.  "If by some chance you
manage to hurt Kasumi, even by accident, Ranma will be forced to
take revenge."  Shampoo saw the reluctant truth of that in
Ranma's eyes, too.  "And then I'll have to.  You have the
right... but I advise you not to."

     "No," Shampoo whispered, shaking her head in emphasis of her
denial.  "No.  Why you agree this?"

     "It is his mother's wish that Ranma marry Kasumi," Cologne
said flatly.

     "No..." Shampoo repeated weakly, but then she seemed to
shrink where she stood, and tears collected in her staring eyes.

     Cologne glanced at Ranma and read his puzzled look.  "By our
customs, the mother has the right to choose a wife for her son,"
she told him.  "It doesn't override the duty of the warrior to
marry the man who defeats her... but it can't be brushed aside
like a promise between fathers."

     "I go talk Ranma mother," Shampoo said, her voice thick and
uneven.  "I tell how much I love Ranma.  I ask change mind."

     "She already knows, I'm sure," Cologne said with sympathy.
"She chose Kasumi for her son even so.  This is the best outcome
I could bargain for you.  You will have Ranma's children and a
share, at least, of Ranma's love, and we will be able to return
home without shame.  I won't order you to accept it as your
matriarch.... but I advise you to, as your great-grandmother."

     Shampoo turned away from both of them and lowered her head
for a moment, then wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.
When she turned back, she appeared almost composed.  "Ranma, you
agree this?"

     "Yeah," Ranma said wearily.

     "No... no know word."  She turned to Cologne and said
something in Chinese.

     "No quibbling, no procrastination," Cologne interpreted.
She rolled her eyes at Ranma's look of incomprehension.  "No
procrastination means no undue delays; you come to China as soon
as is reasonable."

     "...what she say, yes?  You come China and put baby in Shan
Pu with love?  You agree this?"

     "I agree," said Ranma, impressed into formality by the
intensity of her purpose.

     "Then Shan Pu agree too... if you do one thing."

     "What?" Ranma asked warily.

     "Want real kiss.  No run away, no play dead like day-old
fish, no trick.  Want one kiss to say you do what you promise.
Body no lie."

     Ranma gulped, but under the circumstances....  "Okay."

     Shampoo smiled a tiny smile.  "I really want thousand
kiss... want go upstairs and make love, but not take chance that
you get lucky first shot and decide you off hook," she added
cryptically.

     "I'll be in the kitchen," Cologne said gruffly.  Shampoo
watched her go, then looked back at Ranma, her eyes grave and
hopeful.

     Ranma licked his lips nervously.  "Uh, whenever you're
ready."

     "I ready for three year, Ranma."  The pain and frustration
of it were evident in Shampoo's high, clear voice.  "When you
ready?"  She moved closer slowly, as though approaching a
trembling wild animal, then picked up Ranma's right hand and
pressed it to her left breast without looking away from his eyes.
"Feel Shan Pu heart.  Yours, Ranma."

     Ranma could feel the beating of her heart, and was suddenly
aware of his own.  Reflex said that situations like this always
resulted in a great deal of pain, and he had to remind himself
that all that was over.  The pain would be because Akane wasn't
clobbering him, not because she was.  Shampoo was beautiful,
sexy, and affectionate.  Lots of guys would give their left nuts
to be standing here with a handful like this.  Lots of guys
cheated on their wives and girlfriends for fun.

     Shampoo's eyes drifted shut in pleasure and anticipation as
he moved his hand around to the small of her back, aware that
removing it would be taken as rejection.  She came up on her
tiptoes and pressed against him, one arm around his neck.  The
touch of her lips was startling, soft and budlike on his own;
she'd kissed him before, of course, but not like this, and it
took him a moment to realize that it was because this time he was
kissing her back.  It went on for a long time; Shampoo was warm
and alive in his arms, but the cheek pressed against his nose was
wet.

     "I waiting so long for that, Airen," Shampoo whispered
finally, pulling back just a little.  She smiled and winked.
"Body no lie."  Ranma realized that she was talking about the
part of him that was pressing against her belly; it hadn't been
doing that when the kiss started, and he flinched in sudden
embarrassment.  Shampoo released him, seeming to fight her own
arms, and took two steps back.  "Change mind?  Marry Shan Pu
instead?" she asked; her words were hopeful, but her expression
wasn't.

     Ranma shook his head.  "I'm really sorry about this,
Shampoo."

     "I not sorry, Airen.  Not sorry if you keep promise.  It all
worth it when you come China."  Shampoo bit her lip.  "I no say
goodbye.  Say instead... see soon.  Wo ai ni."  She whirled and
fled, running up the stairs to the rooms above the Nekohanten.

     Shoulders slumped and head hanging, Ranma stood there for a
moment without the will to move; the thought that snapped him out
of it was that he'd remember this feeling the next time he needed
to endure a Perfect Shi Shi Hokodan from Ryoga.

     Cologne came out of the kitchen and hopped over to him.
"It's hard, I know," she said.  "Shan Pu just grew up a little,
and I think you did too."

     "If this is what bein' a grownup is like, I wanna go back to
bein' a kid," Ranma muttered.

     "Wait a few years before you say that, sonny."  Cologne
shook her head ruefully.  "The ironic thing is, if you were the
Casanova some people think you are, you'd have handled this a lot
better."

     "The what?"

     "Never mind," Cologne sighed.  "The point is that you did
well, about as well as you could have done under the
circumstances.  If you hadn't come to me, things could have
gotten very... messy.  I'll do what I can to make the rest of it
easier for you."

     "Thanks."  Ranma hesitated.  "And thanks for talkin' Shampoo
into it."

     "You're welcome."  Cologne regarded her reluctant great-
grandson-in-law and her expression softened.  "We'll leave
tomorrow, I expect, so I won't see you again for a while.  Take
care of yourself, eh?"

     Ranma looked up at that.  "Yeah... you too, Granny."

     "Count on it."  Cologne saw Ranma out and locked the door
behind him, then went upstairs.  Her staff tapped at Shampoo's
door.  "Shan Pu?"

     "I'm here," came the listless response in Chinese.  Cologne
opened the door and went in.  Shampoo sat at her dresser before
the mirror, watching her reflection touch its lips absently.

     "Are you all right?"

     "No.  Not even close.  But I'll get better."  Shampoo let
out a woeful sigh and her gaze shifted to Cologne's reflection.
"Why is Ranma marrying Kasumi?"

     Cologne snorted.  "The young fool is probably convinced that
Akane doesn't love him.  He didn't say so, but it was written all
over him."

     "What?  Everyone knows Akane loves Ranma," Shampoo said,
frowning.

     "Everyone except Ranma... and a good thing, too, because if
he knew that, you wouldn't stand a chance.  I commend you for not
telling him."

     Shampoo shrugged.  "I was thinking about something else."

     "Like killing Kasumi?"  Cologne smirked.  "Well done on
that, too; I wasn't sure you could make him believe it."

     "What are you saying?" Shampoo defended herself.  "Of course
I would have killed Kasumi!"

     "Oh, don't be silly.  You couldn't kill Ranma, you couldn't
even kill Akane.  You couldn't possibly bring yourself to even
hurt Kasumi, let alone kill her."

     "It's hard to attack a non-fighter," Shampoo admitted.
"She's nice, too.  Just about as good a cook as me, and maybe
almost as pretty.  She's hard to beat if I can't fight her."  A
little of her spirit returned.  "I'll bet she's not as good in
bed, though."

     "Well, you'll have the chance to prove it."  Cologne winked.
"What I really want to know, though, is why Kasumi would marry
Ranma."

     "Ranma's hot," Shampoo stated firmly.  "I was surprised only
four girls were after him.  I'm not surprised there were really
five."

     "Hmmm... could be."  Cologne sounded doubtful, though.  She
was about to wonder aloud how Ranma was going to handle the
matters of Ukyo and Kodachi, but thought better of it; Shampoo
had enough on her mind.  "Well, try to get some rest, and in the
morning we'll start packing for the trip home.  Do you want
something to help you sleep?"

     "I'll manage.  I'll think about home... a year from now."

     ~~~~~

     Ucchan's was dark when Ranma got there, and the noren over
the door had been taken in, but the lights were on upstairs.  He
trudged up to the door, hesitated a moment, then knocked.  "Hey,
it's Ranma... anybody home?"

     The lights downstairs came on, the door opened a little, and
Konatsu peered out.  "Oh, good evening, Ranma-sama," he said,
opening the door and stepping back.  "Please come in."  His eyes
widened and he clutched at the overlap of his colorful, feminine
kimono as Ranma stepped into the light, revealing his haggard
expression.  "Oh, my!  Are you all right?"

     "Not really," Ranma sighed.  He chewed on his lip for a
moment; he wasn't feeling mad anymore, and even if he had been,
the kunoichi didn't deserve to have it taken out on him the way
Mousse did.  "Look, Konatsu, I--"

     "Hey, what's up?" Ukyo called, coming down the stairs.  Her
face lit up.  "Ran-chan!"  She blushed suddenly and put her hands
to her cheeks.  "There's only one reason you'd come here so late
at night...."

     Ranma cleared his throat uncomfortably.  "I, uh, I need to
talk to ya, Ucchan... uh, in private.  So if you'd go someplace
else for a while, Konatsu...."

     Konatsu's face froze in a pleasant mask, and he glanced at
Ukyo.  Ukyo, still blushing happily, nodded quickly and made a
shooing gesture with one hand at him.  "Of course, Ranma-sama.
If you'll excuse me, Ukyo-sama."  He bowed and slipped silently
out the front door.  The soft click as it closed behind him
seemed as loud as a slam to Ranma's ears.

     Ukyo, oblivious, came down the stairs towards Ranma, but
Ranma moved aside and sat on one of the stools in front of the
flat steel griddle that was the centerpiece of the little
restaurant.  Ukyo's joyful expression faded a little, but she
took the hint and moved around to her usual place behind the
griddle.  She put a stool opposite Ranma, sat down, and put her
elbows on the rim of the cooking surface.  "So, what's up, hon?"

     Ranma couldn't meet her adoring gaze.  "I gotta tell ya...
I'm getting married tomorrow.  Not to you," he said in a rush,
trying to head off misunderstandings, "and not to Akane.  To
Kasumi-san."

     "No, you're not," Ukyo said lightly after a moment.
"Kasumi?  Give me a break.  This is some sort of stupid thing
like when you were engaged to Nabiki."

     "It's for real."  Ranma kept staring at the faint patterns
on the griddle.  "Our parents set it up.  They told us me an'
Kasumi-san were engaged, and she agreed.  Then they said the
wedding was tomorrow."

     "No way," Ukyo maintained, but now there was a quaver in her
voice.  "This has gotta be a joke, and I'm tellin' you it's in
real poor taste, Ran-chan."

     "No joke.  I'm getting married to Kasumi tomorrow."  Each
repetition was making it more solid, more real, more
inescapable....

     A couple of small "plip" noises sounded from the griddle,
and two little shiny spots appeared where Ranma was looking.  He
looked up and saw the tears running down Ukyo's cheeks, and a
dagger went through another fragment of his heart.

     "You can't," Ukyo managed.  "You promised to marry me.  You
promised to take care of me."

     "That was if the sauce turned out good," Ranma couldn't help
pointing out, "and it--"

     "Shut up!" Ukyo shouted, bouncing to her feet as tears
flashed to anger.  "You promised!  You did!  Your father made a
deal with mine, and it doesn't matter that you broke it right
away!  I came here for revenge, but I stayed because you offered
me something better!  Hell if I'm going to let Kasumi have you!"

     "Look, you better not be thinkin' about hurting Kasumi for
this!" Ranma warned desperately.

     Ukyo gave him a shocked look.  "You're out of your mind.
Hurt Kasumi?  That'd be like kicking a fuzzy bunny.  No one could
hurt Kasumi.  Now you, on the other hand, I could clobber some."

     Ranma relaxed a little.  Of course Ucchan wouldn't do that,
and he'd been crazy to think she would.  He could do what he had
to do, and there was nothing Ucchan could do about it--

     "No, I'll just have to make a scene," Ukyo mused, gazing
contemplatively at the menus on the wall with her chin held
between thumb and forefinger.  "Lots of scenes.  I'll crash your
wedding, and your honeymoon, of course.  I'll write the whole
story of how you betrayed and abandoned me on walls all over the
neighborhood.  I'll follow Kasumi around when she goes shopping,
with a tattered kimono and smudges on my face so everyone can see
the tear-tracks.  And then," she paused for effect, "then I'll
hang myself in your front gate, and THEN you'll be sorry."

     It sounded almost comical, and Ranma very nearly laughed,
but then Ukyo caught his gaze and held it... and he paled, for
there was nothing funny at all in her earnestness.  She was dead
serious, and in fact her proposed course of action would be
devastating.  If she actually went through with the last part, it
would wound the Tendos' reputation deeply.  His mother might well
see it as a stain that could only be erased by ritual suicide...
his for sure, and maybe even Kasumi's.  And there was no way to
stop her.

     "Look, Ucchan," he began placatingly, "can't we talk about
this?"

     "What's to talk about?  You marry Kasumi, and I make you
just as miserable as I'll be, and that'll be pretty damn
miserable, trust me on this.  The only other choice is for you to
chuck the whole Tendo thing and do right by me.  We can run away
together."

     "Huh?" Ranma began, but Ukyo had already spaced out.

     "I'll get a bigger yatai and we'll travel the countryside,"
she said dreamily, "selling okonomiyaki for a living.  It's
perfect.  They'll never find us.  And if they do, we'll just
leave them in a battered heap by the side of the road and go on
our merry way.  Oh, we'll be so happy!"

     "I can't DO that!" Ranma protested.

     Ukyo refocused.  "Why not?  It's perfect, I say.  It's way
better than being married to a woman you don't love, even if she
IS Kasumi."  She eyed him with sudden suspicion.  "You don't love
Kasumi, do you?"

     "No--"  Ranma suddenly wondered just what he did feel for
Kasumi, but he wasn't given time to think about it.

     "There you are, then.  We can elope tonight and find a
registry office or a priest or a wedding hall or something later.
Or...."  Ukyo looked down at her twiddling fingers and blushed.
"Well, it'd be nice to be married, but I won't insist on it right
away...."

     "I said, I can't do that!" Ranma repeated.  "I gotta marry
Kasumi and join the families!"

     Ukyo gave an exasperated sigh.  "I don't see why.  It's not
like you respect anything else your stupid ol' man's ever come up
with... if you did, you'd be married to ME.  Why are you so dead
set on this?"

     "It's not just Pops and Tendo-san.  If it was, I'd tell 'em
to shove it, like you said.  But Momma's behind this a hundred
percent."

     Ukyo stared at him.  "This was Nodoka-sama's idea?"

     "Yeah, looks that way."

     Ukyo sank back down on her stool and put her head in her
hands.  "Oh, crap."

     "Deep an' sticky," Ranma agreed.

     "You have such a way with words, Ran-chan."  Ukyo scrubbed
her face with her hands and sighed wearily, a gesture that was
very familiar to Ranma.  "Well, buzz off, will you?  I feel like
breaking some things, then I need to find a good rope.  See you
tomorrow at the wedding."

     "Look, maybe it doesn't have to be that way," Ranma said
slowly.  Some ideas were starting to drift together; the picture
they formed wasn't exactly pretty, but at least they fit.  "Maybe
we can make a, uh, a compromise."

     "What compromise?" Ukyo said without hope.  "You gotta marry
a Tendo, and I gotta marry a Saotome.  Bigamy's not an option,
last I looked."

     "Maybe not, but maybe there's another way.  Listen, I know
what you want; you talk about it enough.  You want an okonomiyaki
place, a bunch of, of kids that look sorta like me, and, uh, a
waitress by day and a husband by night, right?"

     "More or less," Ukyo said, blushing.  "And your name."  She
looked down at her clenched hands.  "Mine's not much good to me
any more--"  She clamped her lips shut on any words that might
have explained that.

     Ranma gave her a blank look, then shrugged.  "I can swing
that part, probably.  I'm gonna be a Tendo tomorrow.  I figure
Saotome's available, and I'll bet I can talk Momma into goin' for
it."

     Ukyo raised her head slowly.  "I don't get it."

     Ranma took a deep breath and committed himself, reflecting
that he was beginning to get the hang of it.  "Your kids can be
named Saotome.  I'll make Momma adopt 'em into the family or
something."

     "Why on Earth would she do that?"

     It was Ranma's turn to stare at his hands.  "Because they'll
be mine too."  Might as well be on the hook, as Shampoo put it,
twice as once....

     The silence stretched.  "Ran-chan... are you asking me to be
your... your mistress?"

     "I guess--"

     "The other woman you go to for love because you're trapped
in a loveless marriage?  You'll sneak out and come to my place,
and we'll, um, you know-- oh, I'm so embarrassed!"

     That sounded like the usual Ucchan.  Ranma sneaked a peek,
and sure enough she was looking dreamily at the ceiling with her
hands clasped beside her cheek.  "Yeah, that.  Then...?"

     "I accept."  Ukyo gave Ranma an unhappy look.  "Don't get me
wrong; it's not my first choice, not by a long shot.  But if you
absolutely won't elope with me--" she paused hopefully, but Ranma
shook his head-- "then this is better than hanging myself.  Just
barely."

     Ranma hung his head.  "I'm really sorry, Ucchan."

     "Well, you should be."  Ukyo thought of something obvious
that hadn't come up yet.  "Say, how does Akane-chan figure into
this, anyway?"

     Ranma's face was hidden, but his shoulders twitched.  "She
doesn't.  They offered her a last chance before they switched the
engagement to Kasumi, but she-- she don't want anythin' to do
with me."

     That got two raised eyebrows from Ukyo.  "Uh HUH."  She
stared at Ranma for a moment, her lips open a little as though
she was about to say something, but then she shook her head
decisively and closed her mouth.  She came around the grill, sat
on the seat next to Ranma, and put a comforting arm around his
shoulders.  "Poor Ran-chan... this must be pretty hard on you,
too."

     "I'll live," Ranma said, his voice muffled.  "You got it
worse.  I really wish there was some way to give ev-- uh, you
everything you want and still do what Momma wants, but this is
the best I could come up with."

     "I understand.  I don't like it, like I said, but I'll put
up with it.  If worst comes to worst, I can still go with the
'make a scene' plan, right?"

     Ranma snorted.  "Yeah.  Speaking of which... uh... look, I
dunno if you'll get more pissed if I invite you to the weddin' or
if I don't, so I'm gonna let you decide whether you wanna be
invited or not."

     "Wow, Ran-chan, that was almost diplomatic," Ukyo said in
surprise.  She removed her arm from his shoulders.  "But not
quite, so you got this coming."

     The blow knocked Ranma off his seat and across the room,
where he crashed to the floor in a pile of chairs.  Ukyo stood
there with a satisfied look, shaking her wrist, as he struggled
to his feet.  "I feel much better now," she announced.

     "Me too."  Ranma looked surprised at that.  They exchanged
glances, and both laughed at once.  Ukyo came over and gave him a
hug, a friendly hug that yearned to be more but wasn't quite sure
how to go about it.

     "I'll decide later whether I'm coming to the wedding.
Expect me when you see me, huh?"

     "Sure thing."  Ranma glanced at the door.  "Listen, it's
getting late...."

     "Yeah."  Ukyo let him go and went to the door.  "I told you
there'd be changes," she said as he went past her, "but I sure
wasn't expecting this."

     "Me neither," Ranma admitted.  He gave a little wave.
"G'night, Ucchan."

     "See ya 'round, Ran-chan."  Ukyo turned away, but left the
door open.

     A minute later Konatsu drifted silently into the restaurant
and closed the door.  He settled on his shins on the floor facing
Ukyo and waited.  After a moment he said deferentially, "Ukyo-
sama, may this one ask...?"

     "You're never gonna believe this, Konatsu," Ukyo sighed.
"Ran-chan's getting married to Kasumi."

     Konatsu started slightly.  "That's terrible news, Ukyo-
sama," he said, but the corners of his mouth were twitching
upward just a little.

     "Yeah," Ukyo agreed, not noticing.  "All that time I spent
buttering Nodoka-sama up!  Ran-chan's no Mommy's-boy, but I knew
if I could just get her on my side, I'd be more'n halfway there."
She sighed heavily.  "Well, I was right, but Kasumi got to her
instead, dammit."

     "Mmm," Konatsu hummed in a sympathetic way.

     "But I get a consolation prize, it turns out."  Ukyo gave
Konatsu a stern glance.  "This is a secret.  You're gonna find
out anyway, so I might as well tell you, but you keep it to
yourself, you hear me?"

     "Of course, Ukyo-sama," Konatsu assured her.

     "I'm gonna be Ran-chan's mistress."

     Konatsu paled under his makeup and had to put out a hand to
steady himself.  "Really, Ukyo-sama?"

     "Yup.  We'll have a cozy love nest on the second floor and
he'll sneak over here whenever he's in the mood for a little
lovin'," Ukyo elaborated with forced cheerfulness.

     "I... see."  Konatsu looked down and bit his lip.

     Ukyo sighed.  "Look, Konatsu, I know about this little crush
you have on me, but you knew from the start that my heart
belonged to Ran-chan, didn't you?"

     "Yes, Ukyo-sama.  I wish you both the best," the kunoichi
said earnestly.  "I will continue to serve you, if you will
permit it."

     "Sometimes you make me a little nervous, Konatsu."

     "I beg your pardon, Ukyo-sama.  Er... if I may ask...."

     "Hmm?"

     "Why do you suppose Kasumi-sama would agree to marry Ranma-
sama?  I mean, Ranma-sama is a fine man, and I admire him
greatly, but it never seemed that Kasumi-sama was interested in
him before."

     "That's a puzzler, all right."  Ukyo considered.  "I'll bet
she wants a family of her own.  She's been taking care of her
father and her sisters all these years, but it's like training
wheels, you know?  She wants children, and Ran-chan's kids would
be so cute."  The thought brought a smile to her face.  "With any
luck, I'll find out soon enough."

     "Excuse me?"

     "Never mind," Ukyo said hastily, blushing.

     Konatsu was quiet for a moment, then remarked, "I feel sorry
for Akane-sama."

     Ukyo flinched and a trace of guilt crossed her face.  "Yeah,
me too."

     ~~~~~

     Kuno Tatewaki assumed the wakki-ga-kamae stance and centered
his concentration on the straw target dummy at the other end of
the practice yard.  It was late, but lanterns hung from eaves and
standards gave the scene a satisfyingly classic atmosphere as
well as illuminating his practice.  He shifted his leading foot a
little in preparation for his attack.

     "Yo, Kuno."

     Tatewaki looked around wildly.  "Thou!  How is it that thou
darest interrupt my meditations?"  He spotted his arch-enemy
crouched on a large branch overhead and ground his teeth.  "Get
thee down here at once, cur!"

     Ranma smirked sourly.  "Forget it.  Listen up, Kuno, I got
something to say to ya."

     "I'll not converse with a coward," Kuno scoffed, turning
half away.

     There was a short, angry silence.  "Man, you are just
cruisin' for a bruisin', ain'tcha?" Ranma said finally.  "And
here I came all this way just to tell ya something important
about... about the pigtailed girl."

     Tatewaki whirled back, irate.  "Foul despoiler of women!  I
shall fell the tree that protects thee from my just wrath!"

     "Oh, no, you don't wanna do that," Ranma warned cheerfully.
"This is a special tree, remember?"

     Kuno paled slightly as he recognized the tree Ranma had
chosen as a perch: the haunted cherry tree that had held him
captive once upon a time, placing serious inconveniences in the
way of his wooing of the pigtailed girl.  Attacking it would
have... unpleasant consequences.  "Say thy say, villain," he
conceded, frowning in frustration.

     "I'm gettin' married tomorrow."  This time, Ranma intended
to enjoy the misunderstanding, and he wasn't disappointed.

     "WHAT!" Kuno raged.  "Never!  I shall never permit thee to
wed the fair Tendo Akane!"

     Ranma yawned ostentatiously.  "Right, like your permission
matters," he taunted.  "You got the wrong Tendo, though.  It's
Kasumi-san I'm marryin'."

     "Kasumi-san?"  Kuno's eyes widened.  "Ah, I see, I see!
Desperate to protect her innocent younger sister from thy foul
clutches, she hath nobly sacrificed herself to a fate worse than
death!"

     Ranma blinked.  "Gee, do ya suppose--?"  He caught himself
and remembered his purpose.  "Never mind that.  The point is that
after I'm married, the pigtailed girl will be, uh... I mean, I
won't be needin' her anymore, y'know?"

     Tatewaki tucked his bokken under his arm so he could smack
one fist into the other palm.  "Of course!  And Tendo Akane will
also be mine, for once freed of thy evil influences, she will
naturally return to my bosom!"  Pleasant images divided his mind:
on the one hand, Akane, surrounded by spring flowers; on the
other, the pigtailed girl in a halo of brocade.  Both gazed
adoringly at their savior, the mighty scion of the house of Kuno.

     "Akane...."  Ranma grimaced.  "I don't, er, won't have any
hold on Akane, yeah, but that don't mean she's yours.  She's--
she'll be free, you got that?"  Kuno impatiently waved aside the
distinction.  "But all of that depends on me gettin' married."

     "Thy point being?"

     "Kodachi," Ranma reminded Tatewaki.  "She's crazy about me,
right?  She's not gonna take this lyin' down, is she?  I'll bet
she's gonna bust up the wedding, and if she does, there go Akane
and the pigtailed girl."

     The pleasant images vanished like popped bubbles, and
Tatewaki staggered.  "What ill fortune!" he lamented.  "Thou art
correct, it is certain."

     Ranma sighed and rubbed his forehead.  "You could do
something about it, y'know," he suggested with as much patience
as he could muster.

     "So I could," Tatewaki agreed, brightening.  "In fact, I
shall!  Leave it to me!  I shall not permit my deranged sister to
interrupt your dark festivities!"  He shook his head regretfully.
"'Tis a pity about Kasumi-san, but even one so valiant as I
cannot be expected to protect all women.  But I shall see to it
that her sacrifice is not in vain."  He leveled a stern glare at
Ranma.  "I charge thee to treat her with as much mercy as thou
canst find in thy hell-spawned heart."

     "Like I needed you to tell me that," Ranma snorted.  "Okay,
we're done, then.  Now I'm gettin' outa here before Kodachi
notices I'm here.  Later, Kuno."

     "Farewell, Saotome."  Kuno hesitated, then said grudgingly,
"I thank thee for thy advice.  Perhaps thou art not such a
villain as I believed."

     Ranma gave a little smile and a wry salute.  "Nobody is,
dumbass.  Bye."  He departed, leaping to the roof and away.  A
few petals drifted down from the cherry tree.

     ~~~~~

     Skimming a ridgeline on the final leg of his way home, Ranma
noticed a familiar dome tent pitched in a vacant lot.  Altering
course, he bounced to a stop in front of it and tapped on the
taut fabric.  "Yo, Ryoga."

     The zipper hissed and Ryoga's face appeared, blinking in
confusion.  "Ranma?  What are you doing in Okayama?"

     "Nothing."  Ranma rolled his eyes.  "I'm in Nerima, and so
are you, you moron.  And a good thing, too."

     "Be polite.  I'm not too sleepy to kick your butt," Ryoga
warned, but then ruined his threat by yawning.  "You'd better
have a good reason for waking me up."

     "You wanna know this, trust me.  I'm-- listen, it's not to
Akane," Ranma interrupted himself, "but you wanna come to my
wedding tomorrow?"

     Ryoga's eyes snapped wide open.  "YOU--!" he roared, surging
out of the tent like a bull out of the rodeo gate, or maybe a pig
out of a blanket.

     "Not Akane, I said!" Ranma protested.  He evaded Ryoga's
rush and ran around behind the tent.

     "I heard you!  How could you discard Akane-san like that,
you heartless bastard?!"

     "Shhh!"  Ranma gestured urgently.

     A dog barked nearby.  Ryoga looked around at the lights
coming on in the windows overlooking the lot and subsided.  He
aimed a hard glare at Ranma.  "I'm not going to guess who.  It'd
take too long."  Ranma winced at that.  "Just spill it."

     "Kasumi-san," Ranma sighed, hanging his head.

     Ryoga blinked.  "Kasumi-san?  Why?"

     "Because Akane wouldn't and she would, I guess."  Ranma
shrugged.

     "No, I mean why would she marry you?  You're not good enough
for her.  You're even less good enough for Akane-san, but still."

     Ranma was about to retort to that, but he noticed a more
interesting target and smirked.  "Nice shorts, P-chan."

     Ryoga looked down at his boxers, decorated with a herd of
cute little pink pigs, and blushed.  "They were a present from
Akari-chan, okay?"

     "Well, I KNOW you wouldn't get something like that for
yourself," Ranma observed archly.  "Getting to know her pretty
well, are ya?"

     "Ah, sort of, I mean, not really, but..." Ryoga babbled,
renewing his blush and looking down at his fingertips poking
together.  Ranma added up the signs and nodded in confirmation.

     "But not makin' bacon yet, huh?"

     "Grr.  She's not that kind of girl."

     "If you say so," Ranma agreed casually, thinking that sudden
blood loss on Ryoga's part might have more to do with it than
what kind of girl Akari was.  "So, you comin' to the wedding or
not?"

     "I suppose I... wait!"  Ryoga's eyes lit up.  "If you're
marrying Kasumi-san, then this means Akane-san is... free!"

     At least he'd gotten it right.  "Yeah.  'Free.'  Not
'yours'," Ranma emphasized anyway.

     "Sure.  But with you out of the way, I have a chance...."
Ryoga looked like he was drifting off into a pleasant land where
Akane waited adoringly.

     Ranma grimaced.  "Listen, Ryoga," he began seriously, coming
around the tent and sitting down on the ground, "you gotta
understand something.  I wasn't in the way.  Nobody was.  To her,
I'm just a-- a friend."

     "What?"  Ryoga staggered back a step in shock, then sat down
suddenly.  "But then why--?  It can't be."

     "It is," Ranma said, nodding sadly.  "You oughta know what
it's like.  You kept trying to tell her how you felt, and I think
she knew, but she just kept saying you were only a friend.  It
was kinda painful to watch, sometimes."

     "Yeah..."  Ryoga matched Ranma's rueful and sympathetic nod.

     "And I just figured out that I'm... well, maybe a better
friend, but-- anyway, she wouldn't marry me, and I gotta marry
one of 'em, so Kasumi-san's it.  I'm real glad Nabiki didn't want
to," Ranma added with feeling.

     Ryoga bristled.  "And what's wrong with Nabiki-san?"

     "Uh... skip it.  The point is, she's not gonna fall for you
just because I'm marrying somebody else."

     "She might."  Ryoga's fist clenched in determination.  "I
have to take the chance."

     Ranma sighed and rubbed his forehead.  "Look, Akari-chan's
cute, and she's crazy about you even though she knows about your
Jusenkyo curse... and you've been going with her for a couple of
years, so it's too late to dump her now.  Just stick with her,
why don't you?"

     "You wouldn't understand," Ryoga said, projecting lofty
nobility of purpose.  "I know you've been plotting to set me up
with Akari-chan all along, because you wanted me out of your way
with Akane-san."

     "I wasn't plotting!" Ranma protested indignantly.  "She's a
nice girl!  Yeah, I talked to her when she was around, but it was
mostly about you 'cause that's what SHE wanted to talk about!
And if I'm pushing Akari-chan now, it's only for HER sake and
YOURS, 'cause I got no more chance with Akane than YOU!"

     Ryoga watched Ranma's jaw muscles bulge as his teeth clamped
together, and then said carefully, "Or maybe you don't want me to
succeed where you failed."

     Ranma stared, speechless, for a moment.  "Fine," he huffed,
throwing up his hands in frustration.  "Make a fool of yourself.
See if I care.  Just don't say I didn't warn you."  He leveled a
forefinger at Ryoga.  "If you do, you better tell her about P-
chan, though."

     "Or what?  You will?" Ryoga demanded.

     "Of course not, you moron."  Ranma shook his head
impatiently.  "I promised I wouldn't, remember?"

     Ryoga's jaw dropped.  "You never did!" he spluttered
finally.

     "I did so!"

     "I--  You--  All along, I've been expecting you to tell her
about P-chan at any moment!  I've never known why you didn't,
unless it was just to torture me!  I'd remember if you'd ever
made a promise like that!"

     Ranma suddenly looked stunned.  "It was to the dog!" he
exclaimed, smacking his fist into his palm.

     "Dog?  What dog?"

     "Bess," Ranma explained sheepishly.  "The neighbor's dog.  I
thought she was you.  Heh-heh...."

     "You're completely out of your mind," Ryoga stated flatly
after an incredulous moment.

     "No, no, it made perfect sense at the time.  And I did
promise I'd keep your secret, on my honor as a warrior."  Ranma
scratched his head.  "Now that I think of it, I'm not sure I said
it out loud... but I did promise."

     "You mean... for three years I've been...."  Words failed
Ryoga.

     "Heheh.  I guess so."

     "You sure dropped a lot of hints for someone whose honor as
a warrior was at stake," Ryoga observed darkly.

     "You sure were behaving like a pig, for someone who started
out as a person," Ranma riposted.  "Anyway, that's not the point.
The point is, I'm not gonna tell her, but if she finds out by
accident-- and man, I'm amazed your luck held out this long--
she's gonna really hate you."  Ryoga nodded, shivering.  "So
confess and take your clobbering like a man-- you've got it
coming anyway-- and hope she forgives you.  You've got NO chance
if you don't."

     Ryoga studied him for a moment.  "I'll think about it," he
said finally.  "I will come to your wedding, though... er, if I
can find it, that is."

     "Tendo Dojo, tomorrow afternoon," Ranma said.  "Just start
early and stay put if you manage to get there.  I'll try an' find
you if I get a chance, but I think I'm gonna be kinda busy."

     "I'll bet."  Ryoga hesitated.  "Be good to Kasumi-san, will
you?  She really does deserve better than you."

     Ryoga's serious tone demanded a serious answer rather than
the usual banter.  "Yeah, I know.  See ya 'round, Ryoga."

     He was feeling a little better as he resumed his homeward
course.  Ryoga was about the best friend he had, not counting the
girls he wouldn't marry and the girl who wouldn't marry him.

     ~~~~~

     The light tapping on Ranma's door next morning was loud in
the stillness of the room, and Nodoka's voice came through
clearly.  "Ranma?  It's time to get up-- oh!" she said in
surprise as her daughter slid the door open.  "You're awake
already."

     "Yeah."  Ranma didn't feel like telling her mother that
she'd been awake for a while, and hadn't gotten much sleep that
night; Momma'd probably think it was unmanly or something.

     Nodoka looked down at Ranma's rumpled shorts and singlet and
a concerned frown appeared on her face.  "You don't usually sleep
as a girl, do you?  Is something the matter?"

     "Hell, no, everything's just fine," Ranma replied, wishing
her command of sarcasm matched Nabiki's.  "Listen, I gotta talk
to you."

     Nodoka evidently caught the nuance; she came in, closed the
door, and settled on the floor, tucking her kimono neatly under
her knees.  "What is it, Ranma?"

     Ranma chewed on her lip for a moment.  "You remember what
you were sayin' about my, uh, girlfriends, and babies, and
arrangements?  Night before last?"  Could it have been only a day
and a half ago?

     "Certainly."  Nodoka's face lit up.  "You mean--?"

     "Huh?"

     "Is one of your companions expecting?  Oh, wonderful!"

     "No!"  Ranma, flushing, caught herself.  "Well, that is, not
yet.  I mean I, uh, promised Ucchan... crap, how do I say this?
You have to make an arrangement like that for Ucchan, so if she
has a kid, it's a Saotome."

     Nodoka's eyes widened.  "Ranma," she said in an awed tone,
"how very clever of you!  I should have thought of that myself."

     "Really?"  She'd been expecting an argument.

     "Well, I've been trying to think of something to do for Ukyo-
chan to satisfy the arrangement your father made with her father,
of course.  The best idea I could come up with was for you to
marry him, er, her too, since she's legally a boy and you can
pretend to be a girl, but yours is better."

     Ranma hauled up her dropped jaw.  "You what?  Jeez, Momma, I
can't believe you'd... jeez!"  The frightening thing was, she
could believe it.

     "Yes, much better," Nodoka affirmed, giving no sign that
she'd noticed Ranma's state of revolted bogglement.  "Now the
only question is whether we should adopt Ukyo-chan herself or
just adopt the children... hmm."

     "I dunno how Kasumi-san's gonna like it, though," Ranma said
hesitantly.

     Nodoka gave her a surprised look.  "You don't intend to tell
her, do you?"

     "What, you don't think I should?"

     "Ranma," Nodoka said with a patient sigh, "I think she'd be
happier not knowing, don't you?  I certainly have no reason to
tell her about the details of any agreement we happen to make
with Ukyo-chan on behalf of the Saotome family, and I'm sure she
won't ask.  Kasumi-chan is a sensible girl."

     "Meaning she won't mind me cheatin' on her?" Ranma said
incredulously.  "You gotta be kidding."

     "Well, if you were to flaunt your lovers openly and neglect
or mistreat her, I'm sure she would mind.  But if you were to be
discreet, so that no one would embarrass her by gossiping that
you had other lovers, and if you treated her with respect and
affection, I think she'd prefer to believe it wasn't happening,
wouldn't you?"

     "Akane would go bananas," Ranma muttered.

     Nodoka sighed again.  "Yes, well, Akane-chan has many
virtues, but Kasumi-chan will certainly make you a better wife.
She needs no bridal training, for another thing, while Akane-
chan... well, I'm sure I don't need to remind you of the trouble
I had trying to teach her to keep house."

     It'd looked pretty frustrating, all right, but a nasty
thought pushed any amusement about that out of her mind.  "Did
you talk Kasumi-san into this?"

     "Now why would you think that, dear?" Nodoka said lightly.

     "Momma...."

     Her mother returned her suspicious look with a warm,
tolerant smile.  "Ranma-chan, there are some questions that
shouldn't be asked."

     "Yeah?  Well, I'm askin' anyway."

     Nodoka's smile cooled a little.  "There are also some that
shouldn't be answered... and often they're the same.  If I did,
it would be between me and Kasumi-chan, and I shouldn't talk to
you about it any more than I should tell Kasumi-chan about your
private affairs, should I?"

     "So you did, then."

     "Really, Ranma, you should know better than to jump to that
conclusion.  I would give you the same answer whether I did or
not."  She got up.  "We have a lot to do today, so please get
started."

     ~~~~~

     It couldn't be real.  The thought sustained Akane, though
her sleep had been disturbed by dreams she couldn't remember
clearly.

     It had to be some kind of trick to get them married.  Kasumi-
oneechan was out of the house-- she'd left with Father right
after breakfast-- so she couldn't ask, but Akane was sure that
her sister's astonishing words the night before were part of an
elaborate plot, and didn't mean that she had any intention of
actually marrying Ranma.  She was just doing what she'd always
done: trying to get them together.  Kasumi probably figured that
Ranma would get rattled under the pressure and say what he really
meant by mistake, and everyone would see that he really wanted to
be Akane's the whole time, the jerk, and then she could tease him
a bit before reluctantly going along with it.

     Or maybe they were planning to slip her into Kasumi's
wedding costume and makeup, which would mask anyone's identity,
and then Ranma would end up married to her without even knowing
it.  She wasn't sure she'd go along with that one, though,
because it threatened to give away her hypothetical feelings
without revealing his.

     Even if worst came to worst-- though it was inconceivable
that Kasumi-oneechan would really marry a jerk like Ranma, or
that Ranma would really marry anyone, let alone Kasumi-- nothing
that complicated ever came off without a hitch around here.
Something would happen to derail the whole thing, and when the
dust settled she'd be back engaged to Ranma again... not that it
really mattered to her, of course.

     She didn't have to do anything about it.

     She could just wait.

     Everything would be back to normal again before she knew it.

     It'd always happened that way before.

     It'd happen this time, too.

     Wouldn't it?

     ~~~~~

     The plaque on the first door on the right in the upstairs
hall was a cute duck with "AKANE" on it in Roman letters.  Nabiki
passed the second door, the one bearing a black enameled plaque
with her own name, and went down to the end of the hall.  She
hesitated, then knocked firmly below Kasumi's wood-grained plaque
with its tasteful spray of dried flowers.

     After a moment, the door opened a little, and one of the
young women that was helping Kasumi looked out.  "Oh, Nabiki-
san."

     "I want to talk to my sister," Nabiki said.  "In private."

     The woman's eyebrow twitched upward a little at Nabiki's
tone.  She looked over her shoulder.  "It's all right, Akiko-
san," came Kasumi's voice.  Akiko stepped back, opening the door
wider to let Nabiki in, then went out and closed the door behind
her.

     "Have you come to give me your good wishes?" Kasumi
suggested.  Evidently Akiko had been working on Kasumi's makeup,
for her face was a white mask.  She wore a couple of layers of
the intricate construction that was a traditional wedding
costume; Nabiki knew they had names, but didn't know what they
were and didn't care.

     Nabiki waited impatiently for the sound of Akiko's footsteps
to recede, and then burst out, "Tell me you're not going through
with this!"

     "I can't tell you that, Nabiki," Kasumi said in the same
light tone.

     "I can't believe it.  Our sister is walking around like
she's been hit by a truck, you know.  She's doing her best to
pretend that everything is fine, you know how she is, but anyone
can see it's a cracked eggshell."

     "How is Ranma-kun?" Kasumi asked with concern.

     Nabiki shrugged.  "He looks scared.  Who cares?"

     "Oh, well, that's all right, then."

     "All right?"

     "Yes, Nodoka-sama says that's normal for--"

     "How can you do this to Akane?" Nabiki interrupted.

     Kasumi sighed, carefully so as not to disturb her makeup or
clothing.  "Nabiki, you know what happened.  You were there."

     "I saw one of their silly little spats get way out of hand.
What I don't understand is why you stepped into it."

     Kasumi looked away from Nabiki.  "Someone had to.  She
wouldn't marry him."

     "What?"

     "Father was getting desperate.  We tried everything, don't
you remember?  We tried surprising them with it, talking them
into it, setting everything up and hoping they'd go along... and
even tricking them into it."  Nabiki grimaced; she'd never forget
the mayhem that one had provoked.  "None of the tries worked.
All we got out of it were bills."

     Nabiki shrugged.  "So they're not ready yet.  So what?  You
know darn well that our little sister loves Ranma-kun like a ton
of bricks, for some inexplicable reason."

     "Well, if she does, she has strange ways of showing it...."

     "'If'?"  Nabiki gave Kasumi a sharp look as an astonishing
possibility occurred to her.  "Do YOU love Ranma-kun?"

     "That's a very personal question," Kasumi said evenly after
a moment.  "But love isn't the issue here.  Marriage is the
issue."

     "I must be hearing you wrong," Nabiki said, sticking her
little finger in her ear and rotating it.  "Love might not be
about marriage, but marriage is definitely about love."

     "Is it?" Kasumi asked, her tone challenging something Nabiki
took for granted.

     "Sure!"

     "Well, perhaps in romantic stories, Nabiki."  Now she
sounded like an adult indulging a child's folly.  "This is an
arranged marriage, remember.  Respect, affection, and kindness
are enough."

     Nabiki gave a scornful laugh.  "Ranma-kun?  Respectful?  Oh,
give me a break."

     "Well, not to you, maybe...."

     "Hey," Nabiki warned, eyeing her sister narrowly.  "We're
not talking about me here."

     "As you say," Kasumi agreed blandly.

     "And what about Miss Girl-type?"

     "Oh, I don't think his curse will be a problem.  After all,
we don't wear the same size."

     Nabiki counted to five in French to control her temper.
"That's not what you thought when he first came here.  You were
pretty quick to foist him off on Akane then."

     "Well, that was before I got to know him.  He's not a
pervert, no matter what Akane says.  I'll just keep a kettle hot
so he can change back whenever he wants to."

     "You really are going through with this," Nabiki said
slowly.

     "Our fathers made a promise to join the families," said
Kasumi patiently.  "One of us has to marry Ranma-kun.  Akane
won't, I suppose because she's Akane.  You won't, because--
because you don't care about Father's promises.  That leaves me.
Is it so wrong for me to try to make the best of it?"

     "That's the obvious reason," said Nabiki, still speaking
slowly, as though she were afraid of her own words.  "I'm sure
Father and the Saotomes believe it.  But I thought of another
one.  If you shove Akane out of the way and marry Ranma-kun
yourself, you get everything.  The house, the dojo, the land, the
accounts, the line of inheritance and the family name,
everything.  You'd be all set."

     Kasumi didn't move, and her white makeup concealed her
expression.  Her voice, when it came, was light.  "Wouldn't that
be YOUR reason for marrying Ranma-kun, Nabiki?"

     "My--?"

     "Anyone who knows me, and Ranma-kun, and our situation,
would understand why we're doing this.  It's very sad that you
don't.  And it's very surprising that you, of all people, would
lecture me about love... since you've always chosen your
boyfriends for the size of their wallets."

     It was like being nipped on the ankle by a rabbit, more
surprising than painful, but Nabiki flushed with anger.  "I can
still blow this sky-high," she hissed vindictively.  "I'll bet
Ranma loves Akane too.  What do you suppose will happen if I go
tell him she loves him back?"

     Kasumi's face remained an unreadable mask, and her tone
continued to be light.  "Well, to begin with, Father would be
very angry with you."

     Nabiki rolled her eyes. "Big deal."

     "And so would Saotome-no-ojisama."

     "What's one mad panda more or less?"

     "And Nodoka-sama."

     "Uh...."  Nabiki looked faintly worried.

     "And I would be... vexed."

     "Is that supposed to intimidate me?" Nabiki rallied.

     "Oh, I couldn't possibly intimidate anyone, could I?  But I
think you misunderstand.  It would be because you'd tried to do
something mean and spiteful, not because you'd actually managed
to ruin our wedding.  Ranma wouldn't believe you, you see."

     "He would!  He'd want to!"  Nabiki's heart sank, though.

     "Would he?  Even if he did want to believe you, after the
tricks and pranks you've subjected him to, he'd be much more
likely to think you were trying to humiliate him again, wouldn't
he?  Especially after what you did last month."

     Nabiki flinched.  It'd been a beautiful practical joke; the
expense had been moderate, and the expression on Ranma's face at
the payoff had been priceless.  Kasumi was certainly correct.

     "Now, if you don't mind, I need to finish getting ready.
Would you ask Akiko-san to come back in, please?"

     Nabiki gave her sister a scorching look and left.  The
plaque reading "KASUMI" rattled as she slammed the door, but it
didn't fall.

     ~~~~~

     He was adept at getting things right the second time; it was
unfair to expect him to get THIS right the first time!  Ranma
stared into the dojo-turned-shrine and tried to remember the
detailed instructions his mother had given them on the way back
from City Hall.  The old Shinto priest was waiting by the
portable altar he'd set up at the far end of the room, and
Kasumi's friends were now dressed in the heavy white tops and red
skirts of miko, shrine maidens.  He glanced sideways at Kasumi;
she didn't seem to be watching him, but when he stepped into the
shrine, she matched his motion.  His stiff, new kimono, hakama
trousers, and haori coat slowed him down and made him walk
carefully, but maybe that was the point.

     The families followed, filing in and taking their places
along the sides of the room, Tendos on the right, Saotomes on the
left.  One of the miko started playing a musical instrument, not
very musically.  The priest started dancing around with that wand
thing with the white paper streamers on it; purging all the evil
influences or something like that.  No wonder Happosai hadn't
invited himself along.

     The priest gestured to Ranma.  He started, bowed to the
altar stiffly, and took his seat on the Saotome side of the room
next to the altar, facing Kasumi on the other side of the room.
Everyone else sat down too; he glanced covertly at the opposite
corner.  Akane was regarding the littl