FANFIC RADIOPLAY PRODUCTIONS

Taming of the Horse

By Vincent Seifert

ACT ONE

AKANE: "A horse should be kept in a sheltered stall with exercise facilities nearby... The stall should be free of drafts and well away from sources of disturbance... Even the best-tempered animal can take some time to recover from changes in its accustomed housing or companions."

SOUND: OUTDOOR/STREET SOUNDS BUT NOT CARS (BELOW)

NODOKA: Thank you all again for taking such good care of my son and husband.

SOUN: So, you're finally going back to live with your mother, eh, son?

RANMA: Yeah, I guess so.

SOUN: Remember, you're welcome to visit any time.

RANMA: Thanks for everything.

KASUMI: Oh, it was no trouble at all.

NODOKA: I guess we're ready. Ranma? Akane?

R & A: (NOISES OF ASSENT)

NODOKA: Come on then, dear.

GENMA: Coming.

RANMA: (HALF-TEASINGLY) So, just couldn't stand to let me out of your sight, eh?

AKANE: (GROWLS SLIGHTLY, THEN QUICKLY SUPPRESSES IT) Well... (PAUSE, THEN ANSWERS IN A GIVES-AS-GOOD-AS-SHE-GOT TONE) you're going to find it harder to protect me night and day now, Ranma.

TRANSITION: MUSIC UP

SOUND: DOOR OPENING

RANMA: Well, here we are.

AKANE: Looks... nice.

RANMA: Yeah, I know it ain't got as much room as your place, but it's home, I guess. At least it's all fixed up now. Shampoo and the others tore it up pretty bad when they thought I was givin' you an engagement ring.

NODOKA: I'll go make some tea.

RANMA: Good idea, Mom. C'mon, Akane, my room's up this way.

SOUND: A PAIR OF FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS, GOING UP

SOUND: DOOR OPENING

RANMA: Here we are. At least I don't have to share it with a panda.

(A BEAT)

AKANE: Ranma, I....

RANMA: (simultaneously with last line) Akane, I....

(A BEAT)

R & A: What?

(A BEAT)

R & A: You go ahead...

AKANE: (PAUSE) I was just going to say that Father meant it about 'visit any time'. And since your family doesn't have a dojo, you can use ours... if you want to....

RANMA: Yeah, I guess I could.

AKANE: And our place isn't far from your way to school. We could still walk there together....

NODOKA: An excellent idea.

RANMA: (SURPRISED) Mom?

NODOKA: I'll see to it that he leaves here in time to meet you at your door, Akane-chan.

RANMA: (WEAKLY) Jeez, Momma.

AKANE: Thanks, Oba-sama. I'd better be going, Ranma. You have settling-in to do....

NODOKA: Thank you for coming along, Akane-chan. By all means, come visit any time; I'll be glad to see you and so will Ranma.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS GOING DOWN THE STAIRS

RANMA: Um... I could walk you home?

AKANE: No, you have things to do. You know, unpacking. Thanks, though. See you tomorrow morning?

RANMA: Yeah.

AKANE: Don't be late!

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS AND A DOOR CLOSING

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS GOING DOWN STAIRS (MUFFLED)

RANMA: Right. Unpacking. That should take... a couple minutes. Wonder what else there is to do 'round here. (SIGH) I wish I was... somewhere else.

ACT TWO.

TRANSITION: RICE PAPER DOOR SLIDING CLOSED

AKANE: I'm home!

KASUMI: Oh, Akane! I was just making some tea. Would you like a cup?

AKANE: Sure.

SOUND: TEA BEING POURED

KASUMI: How did it go?

AKANE: Fine. Father and Nabiki aren't here, are they?

KASUMI: Father's in his room. Nabiki's out. (DRYLY) And I haven't noticed any ninjas around lately.

AKANE: Sorry. I'm just a little paranoid about people listening, I guess.

KASUMI: That's all right.

AKANE: Anyway, it went much better this time. He cracked wise before we were even out of sight, but I managed not to get mad at him, and it paid off big-time. He was almost nice. He's going to walk me to school and back!

KASUMI: Oh, wonderful!

AKANE: I'm so worried about the other girls, though. Now that he's not living here, who knows what'll happen? They'll visit, and be all nice to him, and I won't be there to clobber him, and he'll... and they'll.... (ANGUISHED MOAN)

KASUMI: Please be careful, Akane. That tea mug is breakable.

AKANE: Huh? Oh. Oops. Here, you better take it back.

KASUMI: All right. Anyhow, I'm sure it's not as bad as you fear. Don't forget, the girls were, er, being 'nice' to Ranma when he was living here, too, and it doesn't seem to have swayed him at all. My goodness, remember the time we found Shampoo in bed with him in the morning?

AKANE: Aaaa!

KASUMI: What I mean is that if Ranma-kun can remain decent through that, I hardly think he's in any danger where he is now.

AKANE: Decent is not the word for that pervert. (BEAT, LIGHTENS) I miss him. He's only been gone an hour, and I miss him already.

KASUMI: (WITH CONFIDENCE) Well, I'm sure he misses you too.

TRANSITION: (LINK MUSIC)

SOUND: RANMA YAWNING

RANMA: Guess it's time to get up.

(A PAUSE)

RANMA: Yep, time to get up, I suppose.

SOUND: RANMA DESCENDING LIGHTLY DOWN THE STAIRS

RANMA: Mornin', Momma, Pops.

N & G: Good morning, Ranma.

RANMA: Say, Pops, we trainin' before breakfast, or what?

GENMA: No, boy. Your mother has persuaded me that a change in your routine is called for.

NODOKA: (SERIOUSLY, BUT NOT STERNLY) Yes, Ranma. Your father has had all these years to train you, and has fulfilled his promise to make you a man among men. Therefore, I suggested that his task was done, and that it now fell to me to complete your training, and he agreed after I reasoned with him.

RANMA: Oh yeah, I think I heard that from upstairs. What're ya trainin' me in, Momma?

NODOKA: Your father, while he has certainly made you a fine martial artist, has neglected to teach you many aspects of civilized behavior. I will correct these... deficiencies.

RANMA: (CAUTIOUSLY) Uh... like what?

NODOKA: Well, to begin with, your vocabulary, grammar, and diction. Also, your grades indicate that you need to study more. I will introduce you to classical arts such as poetry, and guide your moral development. Your father does not appear to have been the best of examples.

RANMA: What, no sparring?

GENMA: Your mother has argued convincingly (SHARP EMPHASIS ON LAST WORD) that since she had you for so few years, and I kept you away from her influence for so many, she is entitled to whatever years remain before your maturity, and that I should not interfere with her training of you during that time.

SOUND: OF WATER SPLASHING, AND PANDA NOISES

NODOKA: (BRIGHTLY) Now that that's settled, I'll just get breakfast, shall I?

SOUND: KIMONO ON TATAMI AND NODOKA GOING INTO KITCHEN

(A BEAT)

RANMA: (SIGH)

TRANSITION: (LINK MUSIC)

SOUND: OF DOOR OPENING, AND CLOSING

RANMA: (LOUDLY) I'm home! (TO HIMSELF) ... I guess. Still doesn't feel like home.

SOUND: RANMA WALKING UPSTAIRS

NODOKA: Ranma!

SOUND: RANMA WALKING BACK DOWN STAIRS

RANMA: Yeah, Momma? (A BEAT)

SOUND: NODOKA SIPS HER TEA

What's with all the books here?

NODOKA: This is your reading list. I want you to read this stack of books.

SOUND: ANOTHER BOOK BEING ADDED (THUMP)

Oh, and this one too.

RANMA: What the.... They got no pictures, lotsa kanji, no furigana, tiny print... I'm gonna need glasses after this.

NODOKA: Ranma, these are the kinds of books that adults read. I want you to....

RANMA: (INTERRUPTING) You want. Dammit, everybody wants! My life is fulla people who want me to do somethin' all the others don't want me to do! You want me to read a zillion books! You want me to move outa the Tendos'! You want me to be a 'man among men'! Pops and Mr. Tendo want me to marry Akane! Shampoo 'n' Cologne want to drag me back to China! Ukyo wants me to marry HER! Akane wants-- hell, I wish I knew what Akane wants-- but nobody cares what I want!

(A BEAT)

NODOKA: And what do you want, dear?

(A BEAT)

RANMA: (EMBARRASSED) Well, I... um. If Aka... er, that is, I, uh.... The thing is, I, ah, well, maybe.... hm.

(A BEAT)

NODOKA: (INDULGENTLY) Well, when you do decide what you want, Ranma-chan, be sure to tell Mother all about it.

SOUND: NODOKA SLURPING TEA

RANMA: Yes, Momma. Say, where's Pops?

NODOKA: (COLDLY) Out. (NORMALLY) I suggested that he look for work. If you didn't see him at the Tendos', there is a small chance that that is what he is doing.

(A BEAT)

RANMA: (SIGHS)

NODOKA: Is everything all right, Ranma?

RANMA: (GRUMBLES IN RESIGNATION)

TRANSITION: LINKING MUSIC. NIGHTTIME SOUND EFFECTS

SOUND: OF SNORING, AND THEN OF GENERAL RANSACKING

RANMA: Huh? What the--

SOUND: RANSACKING

RANMA: Who's there? It's four in the morning, fer cryin' out loud!

HAPPOSAI: Don't mind me. Just go back to sleep.

RANMA: Y'old fart! What the hell ya doin' in my room?!

HAPPOSAI: Oh, hello, Ranma. Just looking through your things. Hasn't your mother bought you any new bras or panties yet?

RANMA: Whaaa...?! You sonofabitch, I oughta....

HAPPOSAI: No? Tsk tsk. She must have become as cheap as Genma. What a shame, what a shame. Well, my boy, there's only one thing for it.

SOUND: HANDS RUBBING TOGETHER

We'll go raid some for you.

RANMA: (HOTLY) I tol' ya before, I don't--

HAPPOSAI: But they'll sag unless you start wearing a bra!

RANMA: Why, you--

SOUND: COMBAT, LIKE: LEAP. WHAM!

HAPPOSAI: You're no fun at all any more.

RANMA: (GROANS)

HAPPOSAI: (BRIGHTLY) Ah, but with you here, that means darling Akane-chan is completely unguarded!

RANMA: WHAT?!?

HAPPOSAI: Bye for now!

RANMA: YOU BASTARD! Come back here!

SOUND: OUTDOOR SOUNDS AT NIGHT (CRICKETS, LOCUSTS)

RANMA: There you are!

HAPPOSAI: Decided to go on a raid with me after all, eh?

RANMA: Stay away from Akane, ya little shit!

HAPPOSAI: (REASONABLY) Why should I? More to the point, who's going to stop me?

(A BEAT)

SOUND: SOUND OF AN EMPTY BUCKET BEING LIFTED UP

RANMA: Now why would ya want ta molest an unsexy, no-figure girl like that, (SLIGHTLY SULTRY VOICE) when you could....

SFX: drip

HAPPOSAI: What? When I could what?

RANMA: Gaah. The one time I want cold water, and the stupid bucket's empty. Figures.

HAPPOSAI: Here you go, try this one.

SOUND: HAPPY HANDING RANMA A BUCKET, RANMA SPLASHING HIMSELF

ONNA-RANMA: Thanks!

HAPPOSAI: Don't mention it. Now, where were we.

SOUND: SOUND OF TWO "SQUEAKY TOYS" BEING HONKED

Sweeto!

ONNA-RANMA: EEYAA!

SOUND: RANMA SMACKS HAPPOSAI INTO THE GROUND

HAPPOSAI: OWW! (BEAT) Now that's more like it! Hotcha! Hey! Where're you going? (voice fades) Get back here, Ranma!

TRANSITION: LINKING MUSIC

SOUND: RANMA SITTING ON FLOOR

RANMA: (TIRED) G'mornin', Momma.

NODOKA: (BRIGHTLY) Good morning, Ranma.

SOUND: RANMA CONSUMING MASS QUANTITIES OF FOOD

I won't ask if you slept well, dear.

RANMA: (MOUTH FULL) Uh?

NODOKA: Don't grunt, dear, it's not polite. Yes, I was awakened in the middle of the night by a commotion in the garden, and when I went to see what it was, I was amazed.

RANMA: (NERVOUSLY) Ah... heh...

NODOKA: At first I thought... well, you can imagine what I thought.

RANMA: Whoa, is it THAT late? I better be goin' to school now...

NODOKA: But after you and Happosai had gone, I realized that that was a very selfless thing you did, sacrificing your dignity for your fiancée's honor.

RANMA: It was? I mean, yeah, sure it was.

NODOKA: (BEAT) Every time I think I know what manliness is, Ranma, you redefine it.

RANMA: Um, (CAUTIOUSLY) is that good?

NODOKA: I'm not sure yet.

SOUND: EATING RESUMES

TRANSITION: LINKING MUSIC; NIGHTTIME SOUNDS (CRICKETS)

RANMA: (SNORES)

KODACHI: Mmmmmm. Oh, Ranma-sama!

RANMA: YAAAA! Kodachi! What the....

KODACHI: Sssh, dear Ranma-sama. We don't want to disturb your parents.

RANMA: We deee...(CLEARS THROAT) We don't?

KODACHI: (GIGGLES SOFTLY) No, no, darling, that would be so discourteous. (BEAT) It was very thoughtful of you to leave your window open for our tryst.

RANMA: Uh... well, that is...

KODACHI: (sighs romantically) Oh, Ranma-sama, you are a girl's most torrid fantasies made flesh. To see you here like this is almost more than my poor heart can stand.

RANMA: Yaah! Don't put your hand there!

KODACHI: Where would you like me to put it, darling?

RANMA: Anywhere but there. AAAA! Not there either!

KODACHI: No need to be so shy, my sweet man. Eh? Ranma dear, your skin feels so wrinkled. Have you been....

HAPPOSAI: Sweeto!

KODACHI: (A GASP) (SHARPLY) Ranma-sama, what is this vile creature?

RANMA: Uh....

KODACHI: Never mind. It's not important.

SOUND: HAPPOSAI BEING HIT ACROSS THE ROOM

KODACHI: Alas, my paramour, the mood has been broken. (VFX: muted voice, from outside window) Au revoir!

HAPPOSAI: The mood's just beginning, honey! (VFX: MUTED VOICE, FROM OUTSIDE WINDOW) Oh, you've got a whip?

KODACHI: (VFX: MUTED VOICE, FROM OUTSIDE WINDOW) It's a ribbon!

SFX: RIBBON CRACK

HAPPOSAI: Wa-ha-ha! Bondage! Discipline me, sweet cheeks! Woo-hoo!

SOUND: HAPPY'S VOICE IS CUT OFF BY THE SOUND OF THE WINDOW BEING

SHUT AND LATCHED

TRANSITION: LINK MUSIC; SOUND OF TAPPING ON DOOR

NODOKA: (VFX: MUTED, FROM BEHIND DOOR) Ranma? It's time for you to get up, dear.

RANMA: (VERY TIRED) Yeah, Momma, I'm up....

SOUND: DOOR SLIDING OPEN

NODOKA: Is everything all right, Ranma? You don't usually oversleep... oh, my goodness! What lovely black roses.

RANMA: Ack! I, I can explain those!

NODOKA: (PROUDLY) So can I. I'll just go put them in water.

RANMA: (GROAN) I'm dead.

NODOKA: I knew Kodachi-chan had been here last night, but I never dreamed she would be so pleased with you!

RANMA: (TO HIMSELF) Dead, dead, dead.

TRANSITION: LINK MUSIC

AKANE: (IRRITATED) There you are, Ranma. I was about to leave without you. Come on, let's go.

(A BEAT)

SOUND: RUNNING AND OUTDOOR BACKGROUND SOUNDS

You look terrible.

RANMA: Gee, thanks.

AKANE: (MORE SYMPATHETIC) What happened? Happosai again?

RANMA: Yeah, him and Kodachi.

SOUND: RUNNING NOISES STOP WITH A SMALL SCREECHING SOUND

AKANE: WHAT?!

RANMA: Wait! It's not whatcha think, Akane!

AKANE: Well, how do you know what I'm thinking?! If you know what I'm thinking, it's because it's what anyone would think! And that means it must be true!

SFX: SLAP! RUNNING RESUMES

RANMA: Hey! Wait up! Ya got it all wrong!

AKANE: Get AWAY from me, you pervert!

RANMA: (PEEVED) Look, I left my window open 'cause it was hot! I didn't think Kodachi was gonna sneak in! Kodachi groped me, Happosai groped her, and they left! NOTHING HAPPENED!

(A BEAT)

SOUND: LABORED BREATHING (DUE TO EMOTION RATHER THAN

EXERTION))

AKANE: (REFLECTIVELY) You know, that's so stupid I almost have to believe you.

RANMA: (INDIGNANTLY) It's the truth.

AKANE: (suspiciously, but hoping to be persuaded ???) You promise? You didn't lay a finger on her?

RANMA: Not one.

AKANE: Well... okay. Um.... Sorry about the slap.

RANMA: Uh, there's just one thing....

AKANE: What?

RANMA: Well, my momma... uh... you know how she is about my being 'manly', right? Well, Kodachi left a big buncha those damn roses of hers in my room, and now Momma thinks... uh....

AKANE: (SLIGHTLY AWED) ...that you were, ah, 'manly' with Kodachi?!

RANMA: (SHEEPISHLY) Yeah. But I wasn't! I swear!

AKANE: (GIGGLES) I won't tell her you weren't.

TRANSITION: LINK MUSIC; NIGHT SOUNDS

SOUND: OF NAILS BEING RAPIDLY HAMMERED, AND OTHER

CONSTRUCTION SOUNDS

RANMA: (TO HIMSELF) There! Ain't nobody comin' in this window now. (SIGHS CONTENTEDLY) Finally, I can get some sleep....

SOUND: BIG CRASH, BOARDS BEING BLOWN OFF WALL AND CLATTERING

TO FLOOR, ETC.

SHAMPOO: Ni hao!

RANMA: Oh no....

SHAMPOO: Wo de airen.

RANMA: (groan) Shampoo.

SHAMPOO: You sick? You no sound good. I feel forehead. (BEAT) No fever.... You should leave window open, no sleep in stuffy room. That way no noise when wife come visit, too.

RANMA: Look, Shampoo, I need ta sleep. Okay?

SHAMPOO: Okay! You sleep.

RANMA: (SIGHS, RELIEVED) Great. Now...

SOUND: SILK DRESS COMING OFF

Um... Shampoo... was that your dress?

SHAMPOO: Uh huh. Not matter. I no using it now.

RANMA: Look, when I said sleep, I meant you go home and go to sleep an' I stay here and go to sleep.

SHAMPOO: What you talking, airen? You come here. You sleep number one good.

RANMA: (SIGH) Where's Happosai when you NEED him?

SHAMPOO: Come here, Ranma. You make mother be happy. No think son not manly.

RANMA: Eeep!

SHAMPOO: (SOFTLY) What this 'eep', airen? I no learn all Japanese love word yet... you teach?

RANMA: That's blackmail!

SHAMPOO: What you talking? I not send you letter!

RANMA: All right, Shampoo. You can stay here.

SHAMPOO: (SQUEAL OF DELIGHT)

RANMA: (WITH MEANING) I'll leave.

SHAMPOO: Ranma? Ranma! You wait!

TRANSITION: LINK MUSIC

RANMA: Hey, Akane. I know, I look terrible. Let's just get this over with quick. Shampoo came by last night.

AKANE: (SURPRISED) What?

RANMA: (SPEAKS RAPIDLY) Shampoo got inta my room last night. She kicked the window in and grabbed me, I pried her off and ran for it... jeez, I think one of her ancestors was an octopus that fell into the Spring of Drowned Amazon... led her back to the Nekohanten, crashed inta Mousse's room with her chasin' me, and got away while she was still tangled up with Mousse. Other than that, nothin' happened. I can't exactly say I didn't lay a finger on her, but I didn't touch her any more than I had ta, sorry. (GASPS FOR BREATH)

AKANE: Why are you telling me this?

RANMA: So you can hit me, and we can go to school.

AKANE: I'm still not following you.

RANMA: Look, I know you're goin' ta find out sooner or later, so I might as well just tell ya up front, take my lumps, and get going, right? Come on, pound me already, it's gettin' late.

AKANE: Oh. (MOCK VOICE) Bad Ranma.

SOUND: WEAK SLAP/PAT NOISE

RANMA: (BEAT) That's it?

AKANE: (Muffled Laughter That Begins Fading Into The Distance)

RANMA: I ain't never gonna understand girls.

TRANSITION: LINK MUSIC

RANMA: I'm home!

NODOKA: Ranma, would you go change, please?

RANMA: Huh? What's wrong with what I'm wearing?

NODOKA: (SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE) No, dear, not your clothes. I'd like to speak to... well... my daughter.

RANMA: Er... (A PAUSE) Oh. Sure, Momma. Be right back.

SOUND: FAINT SPLASH

ONNA-RANMA: There ya go.

SOUND: SITTING-ON-FLOOR

NODOKA: Ranma-chan, that's not how young ladies sit.

ONNA-RANMA: (LOUD, PROTESTING BUT NOT ANGRY) But... I'm not a 'young lady'! I'm a man! I'm sittin' like a man sits!

NODOKA: Ranma, don't shout at your mother. And please, just do as I say.

ONNA-RANMA: All right, whatever.

NODOKA: Thank you, Ranma. I know this is difficult for you. (BEAT) I've been thinking about your condition since I learned of it, and I realized something. (BEAT) I... I want you to be my daughter as well as my son. (BEAT) Ranma? Is sitting this way difficult for you?

ONNA-RANMA: Um... no. I just fell down because... uh, I was tired.

NODOKA: I miss Ranko. I know you don't like being a girl, but it looks as though you'll be... both... or either... whichever it is... for a while to come, and I always wanted a daughter, and it doesn't look like your father and I will have any more children, so....

ONNA-RANMA: Look, I... I... (WEAKLY) All right, Momma. I'll do whatever ya want.

NODOKA: (HAPPILY) Oh, thank you so much, Ranma-chan. You've made your mother very happy. Your father made you a man among men. I promise, I'll make you a woman among women as well!

ONNA-RANMA: (SOMEWHERE BETWEEN HORRIFIED AND RESIGNED) Don't knock yourself out, Momma.

NODOKA: Oh, no, Ranma, it will be no trouble at all. It'll even be fun! (VFX: HER VOICE FADES INTO THE BACKGROUND)

RANMA: (MOANS)

SOUND: RANMA POUNDS HIS HEAD ON THE TABLE x 7

NODOKA: You'll see, being a woman isn't nearly as bad as you think! Why, if we....

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC/DOWN

FADE OUT.