EDITING FOCUS GROUP

NEW EXERCISES 2 

 

Please identify the grammar problems in the following essay. It was written by an international student in English 20.

NOTE: This is how I would like your papers to be submitted.  

PARAGRAPH ONE /Problem areas are maked for you in this P./ 

1. Looking at essay one# "A Scientist: I Am The enemy"# by Ron Kline and the second essay# "In Defense Of The Animals"# by Meg Greenfield# I can clearly say that the later# one is the better one of the two essays.  

2. To show that Greenfield has the better essay# I will focus on the thesis, the organization and the development of the two essays.  

3. Essay two talks about her# own point of view in her essay,# she doesn't generalize her argument for everyone.  

4. Her thesis is supported consistently throughout the essay.  

5. She also compromises# both sides of the argument.  

6. In Ron Kline's essay one# on the other hand# he generalizes his view for everyone else's#.  

7. His thesis is not supported consistently throughout the essay either.  

8. Nor# does he also compromise with the other side.

PARAGRAPH TWO 

1. Greenfield supports her thesis through out he essay. 

2. She argues that " the animal-rights people have begun to get to her." 

3. She proves throughout the essay that she partly believes in what the animal-rights people stand for.  

4. She supports her thesis by giving examples of how the animal-rights people changed her point of view on animal testing.  

5. She presents both sides of the argument for and against animal testing to support her own thesis since she argues that she is stands in the middle.  

6. She says that it is important to find cures for sicknesses, but only to a certain limit she feels animal testing is necessary. 

7. None of her arguments contradict with the thesis. 

8. While Kline's thesis, which is stated at the very end of the essay, is not supported clearly through out the essay.  

9. He jumps around a lot with his arguments and some of his arguments he as barely any support.

 

PARAGRAPH THREE 

1. Greenfield illustrates in her essay her own point of views.  

2. She makes her point clear by talking in the first person.  

3. She explains how she changed her view about animal testing and how she views the topic now.  

4. But she also mentions that other people will have different opinions on the subject matter and doesn't critique people who have a different opinion from hers.  

5. This is the way Greenfield's essay had a better organization and development than Kline's essay.  

6. Kline on the other hand generalizes every argument in his essay.  

7. He is convinced that his viewpoint is the only correct one and that all other people should have the same viewpoint.  

8. Kline oversimplifies a lot of things in his essay.  

9. He makes it seem as if animal testing was not too much of a big deal and that testing is worth it, " Life is often cruel both to animals and human beings" he writes.  

PARAGRAPH FOUR 

1. Kline's essay does not compromise between the two sides of the argument.  

2. For him there is nothing in the middle, either everything is right or wrong.  

3. He also oversimplifies his arguments for animal testing and he uses his medical background to make it seem that he is right.  

4. He seems to be talking for all the people in his medical field.  

5. Where as Greenfield only writes things that are true to her own personal view.