This chapter is dedicated, with respect and understanding, to Krista Perry, the first person to write to me about my fanfic. Thanks to Dave Roeder and Darniil Entroth for prereading. ~~~~~ Centaur a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by Vince Seifert (seifertv@csus.edu) Webpage: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/ Ranma 1/2 characters and situations are copyright 1987, 2002 by Takahashi Rumiko. Publishing rights (Japan) by Shogakukan Inc. Publishing rights (North America) by Viz Inc. This work is not intended to infringe those rights. Chapter 5: Hello, Nurse! ~~~~~ The gate in the wall around the Tendo property, an imposing structure of heavy wood, black iron, whitewashed stone, and blue tile, dominated one side of the small street like a sentry armed in the panoply of bygone days. Tendrils of mist rose from the wood as the rays of the sun struck dew deposited there in the cool of the spring morning. Snap! "Hah! Missed!" One of the two doors slammed open and Ranma cartwheeled out into the street, landing on one hand and bouncing to his feet. Akane followed, wearing shorts and a cotton top, snapping her towel at Ranma and laughing. She kicked the gate shut, flipped the towel around her neck, and ran after his capering figure. Fifteen minutes later they were back, jogging side by side up the street, Akane looking flushed and happy, Ranma bright-eyed and bushy-pigtailed. Ranma opened the gate and held it for Akane to go in, a small courtesy which she rewarded with a sunny smile. The sun hadn't risen much further before they came out again, but instead of the usual two girls in the uniforms of St. Hebereke's, Ranma was male and Akane wore a colorful dress. "Come on, lazybones," she said, tugging on Ranma's hand. "You weren't planning to hang around the house all day, were you?" "Well, yeah, actually," Ranma said, but he allowed her to drag him out the gate. "Why not? It's spring break." "Ranma, if you think I'm going to let you become a lump like your father, think again. We have two whole weeks off!" "Two weeks of not having to be a girl," Ranma agreed, continuing to put up a token resistance. "Unless you want to. But we could do all sorts of things!" "Like what?" Ranma asked, but he sounded more interested than resentful. "Well, right now we can take a nice walk." "Gaah," Ranma groused, but he fell into step beside Akane and shot her a fond sidelong glance. "Haven't been this way in a while...." "Well, it's the way to Furinkan-- Ranma!" she protested as he jumped up to pace along the top of a wall. "Stop that!" "Okay, okay." He jumped down again. "I just felt like walking the old way." "I was walking the old way! I walk on walls! You walk on walls too!" "I don't feel like showing the world my underwear. Good morning, Tanaka-san." "Morning, Akane-san." "Woof!" "At least it wasn't a ca-cat," Ranma muttered as they passed the woman walking her dog. "Nobody walks cats, silly." Akane swung her arms, enjoying the sunshine, the company of her husband, and the delicious feeling of the first day of vacation. "So what would you like to do for two weeks? And don't say laze around the house." "There's always training," Ranma suggested. "Hmm... we could go on a training trip, just the two of us...." Akane glanced sidelong at Ranma just as he glanced back at her. Imagination took over. Akane faced off Ranma lounged in the against Ranma in a forest shade, watching as Akane clearing. Suddenly she wore herself out attacking attacked, a whirlwind of a waterfall. "Right, just punches and kicks blocked like that," he called, then expertly by her sparring took a sip from his drink. partner, faster and faster. The yatai by the side Curry bubbled in the of the road displayed a pot over the campfire. tempting array of grilled Akane stirred it, then delicacies. Ranma handed ladled out a generous over coins and accepted portion and handed it laden skewers from the across to Ranma, who licked proprietor, passing Akane his chops in anticipation. her share. Nestled under the The small dome tent trees, the little dome tent rested in the forest. The shook rhythmically. A cry peaceful spring night was pierced the stillness of serenaded by the soft sound the night: "KYAAAAA!" of snoring from within. Akane blushed. Ranma nodded, smiling. "I guess we could," he said. "Oh, Ranma," Akane sighed, starry-eyed. "Yeah, you'll enjoy the workout," Ranma continued, oblivious. Akane took his arm and hugged it close. "I sure will... and I'll make sure you do, too." "I mean, you're pretty good, but you could be a lot better." A frown creased Akane's brow. Her grip on Ranma's arm tightened. "What?" "After all, just because you're better than Kodachi doesn't mean you can coast--" "And just HOW do you know I'm better than Kodachi?" Akane snapped, preparing to flip Ranma into a wall. Ranma gave her a you-dummy look. "You beat her twice. What do you want, a trophy?" "Oh. Heh. That." Akane blushed. "Well, what did you THINK I meant?" "Um...." "Oh. Heh. That." Ranma put one hand behind his head and looked up at the sky. "Good morning, Akane-chan." "Good morning, Suzuki-san-- look out, Ranma!" Akane shoved Ranma hard, catapulting him clear of the splash of water from the little old lady wetting down the dust with her bucket and ladle. Ranma flipped and landed neatly on his feet. "What the hell didja do that-- Oh." "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see you there!" the old lady exclaimed. Akane smiled. "That's all right. Really, Ranma, you should pay more attention," she chided him as she caught up. "Hey, it's not like I don't know she lives there, after all the times she's gotten me. It's spooky how she keeps splashing me anyway...." "I didn't have any trouble seeing her. It's just you." "Yeah, right. Good save, though-- hey! You coulda kept her from changing me all along! How come you never warned me before, huh?" "Good morning, Akane-chan, Ranma-kun!" "Mornin', Tofu-sensei." "Good morning, Tofu-sensei. I suppose I could have... but you never asked me to, Ranma!" "Well, I didn't ask you to THIS time, either, but you did!" "Honestly, Ranma! Why do you always--" Akane suddenly stopped both walking and talking and stared at Ranma. Ranma stared back. "'Tofu-sensei'?!" they said together. They turned as one. Four eyes widened and two jaws dropped at the sight of the familiar figure standing on the walk outside the little corner clinic. "Ah...." Doctor Ono Tofu, chiropractor and moxibustionist, gave a little wave of the hand that wasn't holding a broom and smiled diffidently. "It's been a long time. How are you?" "Never mind how we are!" Akane burst out, hurrying up to the wayward doctor. "How are YOU?" She put her fists on her hips and glared at him. "Where the heck have you BEEN?!" "Thereby hangs a tale," Tofu said. "Actually, I was hoping you would drop by." "Hah, you were hoping Kasumi would drop by," Ranma observed slyly, clapping Tofu on the shoulder. Tofu's glasses fogged over. "Ka-Kasumi-- no!" His fist clenched and his vision cleared. Ranma and Akane took in his determined expression and exchanged glances. Tofu sighed and removed his glasses. "Oh, dear," he said quietly, polishing them with a handkerchief and putting them back on. "I was hoping.... But where are my manners? Please come in, if you can spare the time." "Of course we can spare the time," Akane said, following Tofu into the clinic. She looked around as Ranma perched on a stool. "It looks about the same as it used to." "It should," Tofu said. "There wasn't any reason for me to change anything. I just gave the tenant notice and moved everything back in." "And when was this?" Akane accused him. "Why didn't you call, or write, or something, to tell us you were back? Come to that, why didn't you tell us you were leaving? No warning, no forwarding address-- for all we knew, you'd fallen down a manhole or something!" "Nothing so dramatic," Tofu said, looking ashamed. "I took a position at a hospital in Okayama for a while, that's all. I just reopened the clinic yesterday." "But--" Tofu held up a hand to interrupt her. "I know, I know. Er... before I tell you the rest, I'd like to know... ah... how's your family?" Akane glanced at Ranma, a little puzzled, then looked back at Tofu. "Everyone's fine. Why?" "Er... any marriages?" "You bet," Ranma put in, not noticing Tofu's intake of breath at his words. "Us." He turned to display the ring braided into his pigtail as Akane smiled proudly and held up her hand to show off her own ring. "Oh," Tofu said in relief. "Congratulations! I must say I'm not surprised. I was sure you two had hit it off." "That's a real good way to put it," Ranma muttered. Akane swatted him, still smiling. "So... any other marriages?" Tofu probed. "Hell, no, Sensei," Ranma said in surprise. "One was enough. More would be too, uh, dangerous." It was Tofu's turn to look puzzled. "What are you talking about?" "The other fiancees," Ranma explained impatiently. "If I'd married Ukyo and Shampoo too, I'd-- oof!" "He'd be a dead man, and I'd make darn sure he didn't have a smile on his face when he went," Akane said tartly, removing her elbow from Ranma's ribs. "Oh, of course. No, that's not what I meant," Tofu said, sounding a little impatient himself. "So what are YOU talking about?" Ranma asked, frowning. "Is Kasumi-san married?" Tofu burst out. "Aaaah," Ranma and Akane said together as the light dawned. "No," Akane continued, "she's still single." "Is she, you know, seeing anyone?" Tofu asked anxiously. Ranma, about to answer, shut up when he felt Akane's elbow nudge him again. Akane shot him a glance, then spoke to Tofu. "Sorry, Tofu-sensei, but that's getting a bit too personal for us to answer. You should ask Kasumi-oneechan that yourself." Tofu clasped his hands together and looked down at them. "I know, but... well... you know. I left here because I couldn't stand to make a fool of myself in front of Kasumi-san any more." "Well, why'd you come back, then?" Ranma asked bluntly. "Because I couldn't stand not to be near Kasumi-san, even if I did make a fool of myself," Tofu confessed. The silence that followed made him look up at his guests. "That's a great reason, Sensei," Akane said softly. Ranma nodded in agreement. "Well, there were, er, a couple of others, but that's the main one," Tofu said. "But I couldn't bring myself to just knock on your door and say 'Hi, I'm back!' That's why I was hoping you'd drop in, so I could find out how things stood. I'm glad to see you again too, of course," he added hastily. "And we're glad to see you," Akane said. "It'll be good to have you around again." "Dunno if I'll be quite as good a customer, though," Ranma remarked. "Akane's not clobbering me so much these days." "I told you she was a sweet girl," Tofu reminded him genially. "So, why don't you bring me up to date while I make tea?" ~~~~~ "Well, so much for the training trip," Akane told Ranma as they ran back to the house. Ranma glanced at her, puzzled. "Huh? Why?" "We're going to help Kasumi-oneechan and Tofu-sensei get together, that's why." Akane's tone brooked no argument. Ranma had a sudden mental image: Akane, wearing only a strategically-draped pink sash and sporting a tiny pair of fluttering wings, swooped down on Kasumi waving a big hammer decorated with red hearts.... "Heh. It's kinda hard to think of you as the Cupid of Love, but okay. What's the plan?" Akane, still looking ahead where she was running, grimaced in frustration. "I don't know yet. If only Tofu wouldn't go all goofy when Kasumi-oneechan was around, she'd see what a nice guy he is." "Hmm." Ranma said no more as they vaulted the wall around the Tendo property and dashed in the front door. Kasumi was still in the kitchen; she turned, holding a stack of just-washed bowls, as they thundered in. "Oh, hello, Akane, Ranma," she said brightly. "Back so soon?" "Onee-chan, you'll never guess who we just saw!" Akane began. "Tofu-sensei's back!" Ranma followed up triumphantly. "Yiii!" Ranma darted in hot pursuit of the bowls flying all over the kitchen; a very busy moment later, he had three in his right hand, two in his left, and one on his head, all intact. He heaved a relieved sigh and stacked them on the counter. Kasumi, saucer-eyed, stared at Akane with both hands to her mouth. Akane rolled her eyes and addressed Ranma. "You idiot, I was going to break it to her gently." "Whaddaya mean, gently?" "Well, for starters, when she wasn't holding anything breakable or sharp." "Whatever," Ranma said, shrugging. "Tofu-sensei? Really? This wouldn't be some kind of joke, would it, Akane?" Kasumi said breathlessly. "Of course not, Onee-chan. He's right back in his old clinic where he used to be, as though he never left." "Oh, my." Kasumi considered for a moment. "Oh, dear." It was Akane's turn to stare in disbelief. "What do you mean, 'oh, dear'? It's GOOD news! Isn't it?" "Well...." Kasumi wrung her hands, looking faintly distressed. "There's Taro-san to consider." "Taro-kun." Akane expelled an exasperated sigh and appeared to count to ten. "Listen, Kasumi, if you have the opportunity to choose between a, a, a--" "--an asshole--" Ranma supplied helpfully. "--an ass-- a scoundrel," Akane corrected, glancing warningly at Ranma, "like Taro-kun and a fine man like Tofu- sensei, I'd think it'd be a no-brainer!" "Would you?" Kasumi said, giving Akane a peculiar look. She indicated Ranma, whose pose of polite disinterest slipped a little. "You didn't choose Ranma because he was a fine man, did you? You chose him even though he was rude, uncivilized, insulting, insensitive--" "Hey!" Kasumi smiled at Ranma, only a little apologetically. "Forgive me, Ranma... but the point is that she DID choose you. Has she ever told you why?" "Kasumi!" Akane protested. Her ears were quite pink. "Oh, I'm sorry, Akane. I thought that if my love life was open to discussion, then yours was, too. Never mind, then." She turned away and picked up the stack of bowls again. "But--!" Akane cast a flustered glance at Ranma, who appeared to be more intrigued than indignant, and ground to a halt. "Not exactly," Ranma replied to Kasumi's question, eying Akane and edging away a little. Akane still looked tongue-tied. Kasumi finished putting the bowls away and turned to face them. "Well, then. I'm just saying that it's not as reasonable as that one man is nicer than another, or has more money... not for her, and not for me. I know a doctor with his own practice is a better catch than a wandering martial artist, but...." "I just don't want him as a brother-in-law," Ranma muttered. Kasumi laughed a little behind her hand. "Well, that's honest, I must say. But-- I'm sorry, but I can't let that stop me." "Kasumi," Akane managed finally, "why? Why would you even consider Taro-kun?" Kasumi thought about that for a moment. "I think perhaps he needs me," she said slowly. "I'm sure you have some idea of how important that is to me. But even so, he treats me like a person, not a china doll-- or a domestic." Both Akane and Ranma flinched a little at that. "Most of all, he makes me feel... like there are possibilities." "Well, I suppose, but... what's wrong with Tofu-sensei, then?" Kasumi gestured vaguely. "Haven't you noticed how silly he always was? I mean, really; dancing with his skeleton, eating plates... even though they say laughter is the best medicine, sometimes I wonder how he keeps his practice." Ranma and Akane exchanged glances that shared a single thought: how the heck do we explain THIS? "Er..." Akane began, then waved desperately at Ranma to continue. "He's only like that when you're around," Ranma blurted. Akane nodded quickly, biting her lip to keep herself from telling Kasumi that Tofu loved her; that was for him to say. Fortunately, it didn't look like Ranma was going to spill those particular beans. Kasumi eyed them skeptically. "No." "Yes," Akane and Ranma said in unison, nodding to confirm it. "Well, you've said that before, of course, but I just can't believe it. He's always been like that. Even when he first came here to be apprenticed to Himura-sensei. You were still a little girl, and I was in junior high; I couldn't have been more than fifteen," Kasumi said with a disturbed look. "He was, what, twenty-four then?" "Well, you SAID you liked older men," Akane pointed out. "I guess he, um, was interested in you even when you were young-- er. Younger, I mean." Kasumi didn't say "eeeew," but she appeared to be thinking it. "Or maybe you looked older than you were," Akane improvised hastily. "Yes, I'm sure that's it. After all, you were already taking care of us then. The responsibility must have aged you pre-- argh." She shut up, kicking herself mentally. "Well, maybe," Kasumi said doubtfully, appearing not to have noticed Akane's gaffe. "Still, now he's thirty or so... I'm not sure I like them THAT old." "Now you're being silly," Akane burst out. She wagged a stern finger at her elder sister. "Tofu-sensei's a great guy. I had a crush on him for YEARS. He'd be just right for you, much better than Taro-kun, and we're going to prove it to you." "'We'?" "You heard me. Come on, Ranma." Akane stomped out of the kitchen. Ranma shrugged at Kasumi and ambled after her, his posture eloquently stating that he was letting Akane get away with it just because he was such a nice guy. "Well!" Kasumi said softly to herself when they were gone. ~~~~~ "OK, so now what?" Ranma asked as they hurried back to Tofu's clinic. "Jeez, I thought she'd be glad to hear Tofu- sensei was back." Akane nodded. "This is terrible. I can't believe she's really considering Taro-kun over Tofu-sensei! She must be really upset about the way he left. I think she feels like he abandoned her." "I dunno," Ranma said, shrugging. "Every time I've had a heart-to-heart with Kasumi, it's been about you, not about her. I dunno what makes her tick." "Same here," Akane admitted. "Huh? But you're her sister!" "Well, you're her brother! Sort of...." Akane's flash of temper vanished, revealing the guilt that had fueled it. "Oh, Ranma, I DON'T know. I took my problems to her, but she hardly ever talked about hers.... I should have asked. I should have MADE her talk to me." "I dunno about that, either. I've never seen Kasumi do anything she really didn't want to do." "But--" Akane broke off, frowning. "There was that time she--" she began triumphantly, but again frowned and fell silent. "Well, maybe so," she grumbled finally, "but still. We have to stop her from doing something stupid." "Look, I don't exactly want Pantyhose-Taro in the family either, but I think Kasumi's gonna do just what she wants no matter what we do. Push her hard enough and she might do something stupid just because we're pushing. She's just about as stubborn as you are, you know." "I-- I am not stubborn!" "Are too! Bii-da!" Ranma bounded away, laughing. Akane dashed after him. "RANMA! Take that back!" ~~~~~ Tofu looked up curiously when Akane and Ranma came into his clinic, pausing to remove their shoes. "Hello again. I wasn't expecting you so soon. Any news?" he prompted. "Um...." Akane looked at Ranma. Ranma shrugged with a what- are-you-lookin'-at-ME-for? expression. "Well, we told Kasumi- oneechan you were back...." Tofu craned his neck to look past them out the open door, evidently hoping to see the eldest Tendo sister there; his expression fell when she did not appear. "Heh," he chuckled, putting the best face he could on it. "It was too much to expect, I guess." "She wasn't indifferent, though," Akane said cautiously. "That has to be a good sign." She brightened suddenly. "I know! Listen, we're having a picnic tomorrow. The cherry trees are blooming. Kasumi-oneechan will be there, of course. You'd be welcome." "Really?" Tofu lit up, but Ranma fisted him in the arm when his glasses threatened to fog over. "None of that," Ranma told Tofu firmly. "You gotta quit acting like a goof around Kasumi-oneesan, or you'll never get anywhere with her." "Easier said than done, Ranma-kun," Tofu sighed. "Just the prospect of a date with Kasumi-san...." He trailed off dreamily. "Hey, cut it out!" Ranma warned, punching the doctor again. "It might help not to think of this as a date," Akane chimed in. "You'll be there as our guest, not Kasumi's... and we'll try to keep you from going off the deep end." "I'll do my best," Tofu promised without much confidence. "You know, for a guy who knows all those shiatsu points and herbs and things, I'm surprised you never did anything to keep yourself calm," Ranma observed. Tofu's eyes widened behind his glasses. "You know, so am I," he said. "Frankly, it just never occurred to me. I'll see if I can come up with something." "Nice going, Ranma," Akane whispered admiringly, leaning towards him. "Nothin' to it." Smiling, Ranma buffed his nails on his shirt. "Anyway, tomorrow at one, Tai Park. Can you make it?" Akane asked. "Absolutely," Tofu vowed. "I really appreciate that you're going to all this trouble for my benefit, Akane-chan." Akane blushed and looked at her hands. "We're doing it for Kasumi, too," she said. "If you can make her happy, we're on your side." "Well...." Tofu seemed at a loss for words, but fate deprived him of the chance to think of some. "Doktor Tofuuuuuu!" The glad cry from the street outside gave Akane and Ranma just enough time to get out of the way as a white-clad figure sped through the open door and flung herself on Doctor Tofu. "Boese Junge! Such a time you gave poor Gertrude finding you!" She reached up to drag his head down and kissed him enthusiastically. Recovering, Ranma observed that Tofu was frozen with his arms up in a hapless warding pose; his intermittently-visible face was quite pale. "Look familiar?" he asked Akane, smirking. Akane nodded quickly without tearing her astonished gaze away from the tableau before her. "Um, excuse me," she managed. The woman adhering to Tofu turned, a surprised expression on her face. "Ach, forgive me, I didn't see you there," she said, releasing the doctor and then seizing him again when he seemed about to wobble off his feet. "I was just so glad to see my Liebchen." Now that she was stationary, Akane and Ranma were able to get a better look. She appeared to be in her mid-twenties, a little younger than Tofu but older than Kasumi. Her red hair was her most singular feature, the kind of red that is nearly orange and accompanied by a wash of freckles; she wore it short, a neat no-nonsense cut under a starched white cap. Her dress matched the cap, and she filled it nicely. She wasn't quite plump, but if Ranma or Akane had known what "zaftig" meant, they would have applied it to her immediately; she looked like she ought to be wearing a dirndl and toting four mugs of beer in each hand without benefit of trays. "You're a nurse?" Ranma blurted. "Yes," Tofu said, sounding resigned. "Gertrude Nadelmann, R.N., one of my former colleagues at Okayama Hospital of Traditional Medicine." "You left out 'girlfriend'," Gertrude said, pinching Tofu's cheek affectionately. "Guh-girlfriend?" Akane stuttered, hairs springing out all around her head. Tofu waved his hands frantically. "No, no, it's not what you think!" he protested to Akane and Ranma. "It is so," Gertrude insisted, renewing her grip. "Did I really look like that?" Ranma said to Akane out of the corner of his mouth as Tofu tried in vain to pry Gertrude off without groping sensitive bits. Akane nodded again, curtly. "Huh. Well, he must not have done anything wrong, then." That succeeded in diverting Akane's attention. "What?!" Ranma shrugged. "Hey, if I looked like that when I hadn't done anything wrong, then if he looks like that, he didn't, either. It stands to reason." "It-- it does not! And you did too!" "Heh. So, you gonna clobber him, then?" Ranma asked curiously. Akane looked startled. "I wonder if Onee-chan would want me to...." "No! She wouldn't!" Tofu babbled, waving his free hand in negation. "Please stop it, Nadelmann-san, it's rude--" Gertrude let go and stepped back, straightening her uniform demurely and primping her hair a little. "All right, Liebchen. But remember where we stopped, ja?" Tofu groaned. "What are you doing here, Nadelmann-san?" he asked. The nurse's face fell and her big blue eyes began to fill with tears. "You are not happy to see me?" "Er--" Tofu capitulated. "It's not that, I was just surprised," he said weakly. Ranma nudged Akane and raised a meaningful eyebrow, and was met with a fierce glare. Cheerful again, Gertrude straightened to attention. "I'm here to assist you, Herr Doktor Tofu," she announced, clicking her heels. "A nice little clinic like this, you need a nurse, nicht wahr?" "Er, well, I didn't have a nurse before," Tofu prevaricated. "You'll soon wonder how you ever got along without me. I have lodgings only five blocks from here, with streetlights the whole way yet-- isn't that lucky?" The nurse put her hands on her hips and looked around and the clutter and boxes. "I'll finish unpacking and set up the files, ja?" She started opening boxes while Tofu's mouth opened and closed helplessly. "Come here, Ranma," Akane said suddenly, seizing his arm and heading for one of the side rooms. "Awk!" Ranma yelped. "Hey, leggo, ya brutal--!" The slamming door cut off his remark. "Nadelmann-san," Tofu began. "Na, na." Gertrude wagged an admonishing finger. "Gertrude. Just three little syllables. Komm doch, say it: Ger- tru-de...." She trailed off, nodding her head encouragingly. "Nurse... Gertrude-san," Tofu compromised. Gertrude pouted a little, but allowed Tofu to continue without further interruption. "Gertrude-san, what-- how did you find this place?" "No! Wait!" came Ranma's voice from the other room. A faint splash of water was heard, then a higher voice. "What the hell-- eeeep! Leggo of that!" "It sounds like your young friends are having fun," Gertrude observed with a smile before returning to the subject. "You left your address at the hospital, of course." "But-- I told them it was confidential!" "And so it was, Liebchen. I didn't tell anyone else." Gertrude smiled again, indulgently. "Your Japanese addresses make no sense, though, not like good, orderly German towns. I walked for hours trying to find this place. Finally I found a cab driver and told him to bring me here. Five blocks only!" Tofu's answer was preempted by the door flying open again. "Ow! I'm goin', I'm goin'!" Ranma stumbled out into the room, stopped, and posed, one knee flexed to display the shapely line of her calf and her white pumps. Her bosom strained at the side- buttons of her white nurse's uniform. Tofu and Gertrude goggled. "Say it!" Akane hissed from the door. "Huh? Oh." Ranma addressed Gertrude. "Tofu-sensei's already GOT a nurse!" She flounced over to Tofu's side and hugged his arm. "Right, Sensei?" she said through her smiling lips and gritted teeth. "Er-- Ranma, what...?" Tofu's eyes wobbled from Ranma to Gertrude to Akane, and somewhere in the mazed recesses of his mind a spark jumped. "Oh, of course. Heheh. Gertrude-san, this is my, uh, nurse, Saotome Ranma." He put a hand behind his neck and sweatdropped. Ranma had seen daggers looked at her before, but she had to admit that Gertrude's expression reached a new high in jealous hostility. Suddenly the other woman turned half away and stuck her nose in the air. "Hmph. You joke, Doktor Tofu. This isn't a nurse, this is just a-- a candy-stripper!" "Candy-striper, you mean?" Tofu hazarded. "Candy-stripper I say, and candy-stripper I mean. Give her a piece of candy and she takes off her clothes, ja? Ach, you men!" A strangled snort came from Akane in the doorway, but Ranma wasn't about to look away from the German nurse. "Oh, yeah?" she riposted feebly. "Really, Gertrude-san, that was uncalled-for," Tofu said as sternly as his blush would allow. "I've known Ranma for a long time, and hi-- er, her morals are beyond... I mean, she'll only strip when... well, she's a nice girl anyway." "Hey!" Ranma cast an anguished glance at the doorway, but found no help there: Akane was shaking her head slowly with one hand covering her face. "Hah. You are not a cradle-robber, Doktor Tofu? Nein? Sehr gut. Then what need for a girl when you have a woman?" Gertrude's eloquent gesture compared Ranma to herself. "I have much more experience, ja? In hospital, in kitchen, in bed...." She smiled coyly as Tofu paled. "Where the hell do you get off callin' me a loose girl, you damn fat floozy?" Ranma exploded. "Say 'aaaah'," the nurse suggested, popping up in Ranma's face with a tongue-depressor. "Aaah," Ranma said obligingly, betrayed momentarily by her own reflexes. "Zungen-zange!" Gertrude called in triumph, seizing Ranma's tongue between two of the flat sticks. "Such a mouth for a child, I should wash it out with soap. Kommen Sie mit; I'll show you out." "Od-da'i', e'o a'ee!" Ranma hopped after the pull on her tongue, waving her arms in urgent circles. "What are you doing to Ranma?!" Akane yelled, preparing to enter the fray. Tofu barred her path. "Stop it, all of you! Gertrude-san, let go of poor Ranma's tongue right now!" "Yes, Doktor." Gertrude freed her captive with a deft motion. Ranma staggered back, thinking up some really good curses for when her tongue recovered. The red-haired nurse tossed the used tongue-depressors across the room to land neatly in a bin labeled "Infectious Waste". "There should be a lid on that," she remarked, adjusting her cap. Ranma dabbed gingerly at her abused tongue, then directed a glare at Gertrude. "Grrr." "Miau," Gertrude responded, smiling sweetly. She looked surprised when Ranma cringed and paled. "Ranma, I appreciate what you're trying to do," Tofu said, "but we're getting nowhere... and Akane, violence won't solve anything." "It will if you'll let me use enough of it," Akane muttered darkly, giving Gertrude a glare of her own. "I propose a contest," Gertrude offered. "A test of nursing skill." Ranma smiled grimly. "Now you're talkin'." She cracked her knuckles. "Winner gets Tofu-sensei." "Wunderbar," Getrude agreed cheerfully. "Now wait just a minute," Akane protested, a split second before Tofu could. "Ranma, you're out of your tiny little mind!" "Huh? Why?" "What if you WIN?" "Well, of COURSE I'm gonna win. I--" Ranma slammed into a conceptual brick wall. "Oh. Oops. Let's make that the loser has to leave Tofu-sensei alone, OK?" she said to Gertrude. "I like the first way better--" "The second way," Tofu said firmly, backed up by Akane's fervent nod. "I understand, Liebchen. You're afraid this child will cheat her way to victory and trap you. You should have more confidence in your Gertrude." "Actually, I have lots of confidence," Tofu said under his breath. Akane glanced up at him, puzzled, then realized that Tofu expected Ranma to lose... and the air of competence Gertrude displayed certainly reinforced that view. "So, we begin," the redheaded nurse said to the pigtailed mock-nurse. "First, making the bed!" She looked around, then opened one of the side doors and nodded in satisfaction. "The bed. And here are the sheets. I will go first to show how it is done." Ranma affected disdain, but Tofu and Akane watched in awe from the doorway as the crisp bedlinens flew through the air. With practiced economy of motion, Gertrude snapped the sheet tight and folded the corners under, deployed the topsheet, and slipped pillow into pillowcase. "Wow," Akane said despite herself, eyeing the immaculate result with envy. "And now the test." Gertrude produced a five-yen coin, peeled the topsheet back, and dropped the coin. It bounced and the nurse caught it. "Done." She quickly stripped the bed and returned the linens to the box, then stepped back and gestured, inviting Ranma to take her turn. Ranma stepped forward, eyeing the bed. Akane saw her jaw muscles work a little, a hint of the concentration she was summoning up. "HAAAAAA!" She blurred into action, impossible to follow with the eye, for a few seconds. When she stopped, the bed was made. The imitation of the other nurse's technique of folding the corners was clear, but the overall effect fell a little short. Still... "All right, you get to make the beds from now on," Akane couldn't resist saying. "Gaah." "The test," Gertrude reminded Ranma. "Ach, you have probably spent all your allowance on candy and toys-- catch!" Frowning in annoyance at the jibe, Ranma picked the coin out of the air, exposed the sheet, and flicked the coin at it. Thud. "Damn." "And there is something else," the redhead said, pointing out faint streaks on the sheet. "Scorch marks?" Tofu said incredulously. He gave Ranma a disappointed look. "Really, Ranma, the contest wasn't to see who could make the bed the fastest." "Now you tell me!" "The winner is clear, I think," Gertrude said, examining her neatly-trimmed fingernails. Akane and Tofu nodded reluctantly while Ranma fumed. "Next, self-injection." Gertrude produced two paper packets and odd-looking glass vials, and handed one of each to Ranma. "Sterile saline, of course. One CC into the left supinator longus, avoiding the median vein, ja?" "The what? Uh, I mean, sure, whatever you say." Ranma watched carefully out of the corner of her eye and imitated the nurse as she took the syringe out of its wrapper, inverted the vial, drew liquid into the syringe, cleared the air from the needle, and injected herself on the inside of her arm just below the elbow. "So," Gertrude said, disposing of the hypodermic properly. "And how do you judge our techniques, Doktor Tofu?" "Er..." Tofu sweatdropped and gestured helplessly at Ranma. "Something's wrong with this needle," Ranma complained. She held it up. "It keeps, uh, bouncing off." "It is tied in a pretzel-knot," Gertrude said in a disbelieving tone. "What is your skin, concrete?" "Just about," Akane said in a strangled voice. "Ranma, you invulnerable idiot...." "I'm afraid you lose this one, Ranma," Tofu admitted. "Best three of five, then," Ranma forced out past gritted teeth. "What's next?" "Sponge baths," Gertrude said. "Komm, Doktor Tofu, remove your clothes and get into bed, and Nurse Gertrude will bathe you." Tofu recoiled in shock. "Ack! No!" "What is the problem? The others? I thought people bathed in company here...." "The furo is one thing. Bed baths are something else!" Tofu insisted. "Fine. I will prefer to give you a bath in private anyway," Gertrude said with a smile and a blush. "No-no-no!" Tofu babbled, flushing. "I'm not gonna bathe him!" Ranma added indignantly. "Ah, then you concede the contest?" "Uh--" Ranma looked around frantically. "I'll bathe her!" she said triumphantly, pointing at Akane. Akane turned bright pink. "Ranma, are you CRAZY?" "Look, it's either you or him!" "Or neither," Tofu said firmly before Akane could escalate the dispute. "This has gone far enough. I'm sorry, Ranma, but there's just no hope that you can defeat Gertrude-san in a contest of nursing skills." Gertrude clapped her hands with glee and bounced over to hug Tofu. "Liebchen! You chose me! I'm so happy!" "Urk!" Waving his arms, Tofu struggled to draw a breath. "Oh, I'm sorry-- there, is that better?" She turned to Ranma. "Now you will keep your word and not force yourself on Doktor Tofu any more, ja?" she said severely. "Yeah, yeah," Ranma conceded without grace. She took off the cap and perched it atop the bare skull of Betty, the mounted skeleton, then eyed Tofu unhappily. Akane followed her glance. "Tofu-sensei," she said suddenly, "IS Gertrude-san your girlfriend?" "Well--" "He is my lover," Gertrude declared into the microphone in her hand. "Our eyes met across a crowded emergency room..." she sang. "Ack!" Tofu waved his hands, trying to stop her, but she pressed on. "...his therapeutic massage sent shivers up my spine..." Tofu darted an anguished glance at Akane. "That's not what happened!" "...in my lonely apartment, a romantic atmosphere..." "It was a power failure!" "...on that fateful night, he made me a woman!" "YOU WERE 'A WOMAN' ALREADY!" Akane and Ranma collapsed in shock, quivered and twitched on the floor for a moment, then sprang to their feet in unison and confronted the doctor. "You SLEPT with her?!" Akane accused. "Only afterwards," Gertrude put in, pink-cheeked. Akane managed to ignore her. "But what about--" Tofu waved his hands desperately, then looked astonished when silence actually ensued. "I know, I know," he sighed. "You have to understand.... I thought I.... I couldn't help myself." Behind his back, Gertrude nodded proudly. "It was just the once...." "What, you don't count our encounter in the linen closet?" the nurse asked, incredulous. "Twilli-willi-witt UND boom-boom, Doktor Ost-wind-axe." She fanned herself ostentatiously, smiling. "It's not what it seems," Tofu explained hastily. "You see, Gertrude-san is afraid of mmm mmmph." "Na, na, Doktor Tofu," Gertrude said, keeping her hand clamped firmly over his mouth. "We won't tell Nurse Gertrude's little weaknesses to strangers, ja?" Tofu nodded resignedly, and she let go. Akane and Ranma exchanged glances. *Weakness?* "Speaking of strangers," Gertrude continued, "you have not introduced this one." She indicated Akane with a nod and waited. Tofu collected himself. "Ah, yes. Gertrude Nadelmann, Tendo--" "--Kasumi?" the nurse interrupted, leaning forward to rake Akane with her gaze. "THIS is my rival? The perfect woman whose name you stutter in your sleep?" "No," Akane said slowly, "that would be my sister. I'm just Akane. Saotome Akane, actually." She looked speculatively at Tofu. "In your sleep, hmmm?" Tofu shrugged uncomfortably and glanced at Gertrude, who was hanging on every word. "It's... hard to explain." "I believe THAT," Ranma muttered under her breath. Gertrude snapped her fingers. "Ach! What happened to that young man who was here?" She went to the other room and looked in. "He, uh, jumped out the window," Ranma called. "Don't tell her about the curse!" she hissed to Tofu and Akane. "Without his pants?" Gertrude turned, holding up a pair of trousers and a Chinese shirt. "And he left a puddle, too." Ranma stalked over. "Gimme those." The nurse gave up the clothing without a struggle and continued. "Are you sure you don't want to go back to Okayama, Doktor Tofu? This town is filled with perverts." Tofu coughed into his hand. "Er, no, I've decided to stay here. If you want to go back, though, I'll understand...." "You stay here, I stay here," Gertrude said decisively. Tofu slumped a little. "But we're going home," Akane said. "Are you going to tell HER?" Tofu asked anxiously, looking up. "Would it be better if we didn't?" Akane riposted. Tofu was quiet for a moment, ignoring Gertrude's suspicious frown. "I don't know," he said finally. "Do whatever you think is best." "Good advice, Sensei," Akane said, glancing meaningfully at his attractive nurse. ~~~~~ "Great plan," Ranma remarked, dodging a TV antenna. "Well, I didn't see YOU coming up with anything!" Akane retorted. She ran down the slope of a roof and leapt across to the next. "If it was such a bad plan, how come you went along with it?" "Oh, prob'ly cause I would've come up with the same great plan in about another five seconds anyway." Ranma's amused tone punctured Akane's pique, and she spared enough attention from the aerial path they followed to give her a surprised look. "So how come you stuffed me into this nurse's uniform instead of putting it on yourself?" Ranma continued. "Um... the thought never occurred to me." Absently, Akane dropped to the street, bounced once to the top of the wall on the other side, and then up on the roofs again, with Ranma right beside her. "Heh. There's too little thinkin' as well as too much, you know." "I just couldn't," Akane said, blushing. "I don't know how you can, er, vamp like that. I'd just die of embarrassment." "Just being the best girl I can be," Ranma said, somehow managing to strut in midair. "That's not being a good girl," Akane scoffed. "That's being a bad girl. Besides, if I tried that with Tofu-sensei, he'd fall over laughing, and what good would THAT do?" "Heh." "So how come you went along with it, really?" Akane asked, giving Ranma a curious sidelong glance. Ranma shrugged, her eyes fixed straight ahead. "'Cause I felt like it." Akane thought about a few other incidents, major and minor, where Ranma had gone along with her plans, and decided to interpret "because I felt like it" as "because you asked me to". "Thanks, partner." "Like I said, it was just the sort of crazy thing I would've thought of myself," Ranma said, her slight blush confirming Akane's guess. "So what's the next cunning plan? What are you gonna tell Kasumi?" Akane grimaced. "I haven't made up my mind." "Well, decide fast, 'cause here we are." Ranma sailed over the wall and landed on the front walk, ending the day's second round trip to the clinic. "Oh, by the way, blue suits you." "Really?" Akane's pleased smile lasted only a fraction of a second before she realized that she was wearing only one blue garment and mortification took over. She clapped both hands to her skirt. "Oh, no! The roof-hopping! I forgot! I showed half of Nerima my panties! And you LET me, you rat!" "Hey, at least you're finally getting your priorities straight," Ranma said, smirking. Anticipating Akane's retaliation, she dodged through the door, but Akane seemed preoccupied with something else as she followed. "Do you really like me in blue, Ranma?" she asked shyly. Ranma, red to the ears, muttered something inaudible. "What?" "I said, unless they're the 'Hello Ki-ki-kitty' ones. Stop giggling, dammit!" Kasumi wasn't in the kitchen this time, but they found her upstairs folding laundry. "Hello, Akane, Ranma," she greeted them. "You certainly are getting your exercise today, aren't you?" "Uh, yeah," Ranma said, tugging at the hem of her skirt, perversely conscious of her garb because Kasumi had given no sign that she'd noticed it. "You're probably wondering about the nurse's uniform...." "Oh, no, not at all," Kasumi assured her blandly. "I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation, and that's all that matters, isn't it?" "Tofu-sensei has a girlfriend," Akane blurted. Ranma smacked herself in the forehead with her palm. "Smooth," she muttered out of the corner of her mouth. Kasumi's eyebrows rose. "Really." She looked down at the freshly-folded towel in her hands, then carefully set it on the stack. "Oh, well. It's just as well, I suppose." "It might not be that way," Akane said quickly. "I think she was a lot more interested in him than he was in her." "Like me and Shampoo," Ranma agreed. "Or me and Ukyo, or me and Kodachi." She cast a mischievous glance sideways. "Or--" "You'd better not even be thinking what I think you're about to say," Akane interrupted her, scowling. "As I was about to say, or not one bit like me and Akane," Ranma completed, unjustly-accused virtue dripping from every syllable. "Oh, sure," Akane scoffed weakly. "Jeez, I don't even have to tease you any more, you do such a good job of it all by yourself...." "So tell me about this girlfriend," Kasumi prompted, cutting off the developing squabble. "Well, she's a nurse he met at the hospital where he was," Akane said. "She's German, I think." "She's fat and mean," Ranma muttered. "I wouldn't go that far," Akane disagreed. "Her figure is, um, generous, but I wouldn't say overweight. And what makes you say she's mean?" "She grabbed my tongue with sticks!" "After you stuck it out at her." "She TOLD me to!" "Well, you DID it!" "Argh!" "Oh, my," Kasumi observed with amusement. "She sounds like quite a character, this...." "Nadelmann Gertrude-san," Akane supplied. She bit her lip. "The real problem is... well...." She cast a flustered glance at Ranma. "He boffed her," Ranma stated. "My goodness!" Kasumi's eyes widened. "With both of you standing right there?" Ranma's jaw dropped. "Wha-- No way!" "Of course not!" Akane sputtered. She calmed down a little. "Before. Before he came back here, that is." "Oh, I see," Kasumi said slowly. "Did he really? Well." Akane nodded ruefully. "You can't possibly be interested in him now." "Oh, I wouldn't say that." Kasumi picked up another towel and started folding it. "What?!" Akane stared at her sister in astonishment. "But he... he's... um...." She ground to a halt, red-faced. "Ruined?" Kasumi suggested. "Um... something like that, I guess. I mean, if Ranma had, you know...." "Boffed? Screwed?" Ranma offered helpfully. "Done a horizontal kata with?" Swat! "...someone else, I'd be so mad and heartbroken, I don't know what I'd do. But it would change everything. How can you even think of anything with Tofu-sensei now?" "Well, it's not like Tofu-sensei was engaged to me when he did it," Kasumi pointed out. "We didn't even have an understanding. And it's not exactly manly for a healthy, normal bachelor of his age still to be a virgin, is it?" "Well...." Akane looked like she was having trouble seeing Tofu as "manly bachelor" rather than "friend and family doctor". "For that matter, we don't really know what Taro-san's, um, experience is, either," Kasumi said, "and I haven't rejected him on that account, have I?" Ranma snorted. "Pantyhose-Taro doesn't know crap about women," she stated indelicately. "I dunno what he's been doing all these years, but he's been doing it by himself. No way has he ever gotten laid. I'd bet money he hasn't even been kissed." "There, you see, that's husband material!" Akane said triumphantly. Ranma gave her a shocked stare. "Will you listen to yourself? You're arguing FOR Pantyhose-Taro and AGAINST Tofu- sensei!" "I--" Akane broke off, appalled, and stood speechless for a moment. "But-- It's still wrong!" she wailed. "It doesn't matter that he wasn't engaged to you, Kasumi-oneechan! He was CRAZY about you, and he slept with Gertrude-san anyway! He BETRAYED you!" She whirled and ran off down the hall. Kasumi and Ranma listened to the rapid patter of her footsteps recede down the stairs, then traded glances. Soun came around the corner, looking over his shoulder. "Who betrayed whom? And why's Akane so upset?" He put two and two together and directed an incensed glare at Ranma. "You'd better have a good explanation for this, Ranma-kun!" "What? Why is it always MY fault?" Ranma demanded indignantly, hands on her hips. "Ranma hasn't betrayed Akane, Father," Kasumi said soothingly. "It's just Tofu-sensei and his new nurse. Nothing to get excited about." "Oh. Well, all right, then." Soun turned and went back down the stairs. Ranma and Kasumi waited for the double-take, but after several moments it appeared that there wouldn't be one. They exchanged glances again. "He didn't hear a word you said, did he?" Ranma sighed. Kasumi turned away and picked up another towel. "Some people only hear what I say when I'm calling them to dinner, I suppose." Ranma bit her lip. There hadn't been a trace of rancor in Kasumi's light, pleasant voice, but.... "Kasumi-oneesan, how do you really feel about all this? What Tofu-sensei did, I mean?" "Why, thank you so much for asking." Kasumi's eyes twinkled at Ranma for an instant. She put the folded towel down and gazed pensively into the depths of the linen closet. "I suppose if my husband or even my fiance had slept with another woman, I'd be angry and hurt. But really, he isn't, and so I'm not. I'm not entitled to be, after all. I'm surprised, and a little disappointed, perhaps, but mostly I'm... interested." "Interested?" Ranma frowned. "I don't get it." "I'm not sure I do either, but... surely you've noticed that people who already have someone seem to attract more, um, attention than people who don't? You could go along for years with no one looking twice at you, and then you get a special friend and suddenly everyone's after you." Ranma grimaced. "Oh, yeah. I didn't know it was that way for anyone else, though." "Well, Akane went through something very much like that before you came, with those boys who were attacking her every morning. It happened all at once. Before then, she was just another girl at school. My books talk about group behavior and reinforced hormones...." "Over-reinforced skulls, more like," Ranma muttered darkly. Kasumi laughed a little, covering her mouth with her hand. "Yes, perhaps. The point is that having another woman interested in Tofu-sensei seems to, well, to validate his appeal somehow." "If you say so." Ranma's tone was dubious. "And if she's still chasing him after sleeping with him, he must be adequate in bed, mustn't he?" Kasumi said with a small, sly smile. Ranma's jaw dropped. "Urk. Actually, Gertrude mentioned that," she managed. "There, you see? Now, as long as you're here, would you mind helping me fold the sheets?" "Sure. I just came up with a way to do that really fast." Snap-flappity-WHUMP! "See?" "Oh, my." A sudden din of footsteps coming up the stairs heralded the return of Soun, breathing hard. "Ranma-kun, you're dressed as a nurse!" he exclaimed. The demon-head sprang forth. "HOW COULD YOU BETRAY AKANE WITH TOFU-SENSEI?!" "Wha-- WRONG!!" "Oh, Father, really!" ~~~~~ "Hey, you asleep?" "...yes...." "Ha ha. Say, about what Kasumi said...." "Which of several dozen things Kasumi-oneechan said are you talking about?" "You know, when she said I was rude, insulting, and uncivilized." "And inconsiderate." Yawn. "Yeah, something like that. But she was talking like she knew why you chose me anyway." "If she does, it's not because I told her. Go wake HER up and ask her, why don't you?" "Uh... not a chance." "Darn." "So why did you?" "Ranma, I told you when you asked me to marry you: for love. We've talked about this before. Why bring it up now?" "Well, Kasumi was talking like she's thinking about choosing Pantyhose-Taro even though he's an asshole, and it has something to do with me and you, and I was trying to figure her out... and then I got to wondering about what she said. You had guys after you who weren't rough like me... so why'd you choose me?" "Oh, all right. Hmm... well, when you first came to live with us, I couldn't ignore you any more than I could ignore an earthquake, you know? I had to love you or hate you. I started out hating you a little-- you were SO annoying-- but I just couldn't keep that up, so I guess I swung the other way." "Jeez, you mean you chose me because I was rude and uncivilized?" "Sort of... maybe." "So, which of my annoying ways did you choose me for, then?" "Heh. For all of them put together, even if they made it hard to believe that there was a nice guy in there somewhere when I started to get the idea that maybe you liked me a little. And at least you were different from all the 'Please date me!' idiots. They just wanted to be seen with a popular girl, or they were lechers, but none of them cared what I wanted." "Huh." "I think if you'd been in favor of the marriage from the beginning, I might've just lumped you in with that crowd in my mind. But you were no happier with it than I was, and that gave us something in common. And when you found out about the crush I had on Tofu-sensei, you were nice about it because I was unhappy, even though you could have gotten bent out of shape about it because we were engaged. But what really got my attention was when you told Sanzenin-san that I was your iinazuke and you'd kill him if he laid a lip on me." "That bastard. Bad enough he kissed ME." "Too bad he never found out that he'd actually kissed a guy. I could have put him in the hospital perfectly well myself, of course, but it meant a lot that you were jealous. Speaking of which... why did YOU choose ME?" "Oh, I dunno. Never thought about it." Pause. Rustle. "Rrraaanmaaa...." "Hey, what are you doing? Gimme my pillow back!" Whap! Poof! Thump! ~~~~~ Dr. Tofu walked outside his clinic for the thirteenth time the next morning and peered anxiously at the sky. As it had the last dozen times, it looked like a fine, sunny spring morning, with no threat of an impediment to a picnic visible. He heaved a relieved sigh and went back inside. Gertrude was making industrious noises from the file room as Tofu went into the pharmacy. She was efficient and competent, there was no doubt about that, and in some ideal world where a certain chiropractor's personal life could be separated from his professional life, there might be a place for her... but this world wasn't that one, Tofu reminded himself firmly. He hadn't told Ranma all of the truth, he thought as he searched through the tomes of his library. There was a reason why it hadn't occurred to him to treat his own overreaction to Kasumi-san: it had been drummed into him by his masters that self- prescription was a quick way to serious ethical and practical problems-- so don't, young Ono! So he hadn't even thought about it... but now he had to. He found the formula he sought, reread it carefully, and nodded. Two parts of this herb, one part of that compound ground fine and sprinkled over it, and he would be calm enough to-- to-- "Oh, dear, I need the sedative to calm down enough to admininster the sedative!" he muttered wryly to himself, gripping the table edge until his tremors subsided. "Hmm... inhale the smoke." There wasn't time to burn it in a censer, he confirmed with a nervous glance at the clock. He rolled the medicine up in a square of thin paper, put one end between his lips, lit the other after a little trouble bringing the flame to contact, and took a cautious puff. "Doktor Tofu," Gertrude said right behind him, "where--" Her voice changed from inquiry to indignation. "Doktor! You know smoking is bad for you!" "Gack!" Tofu managed, eyes bulging. He pounded himself on the chest. "Komm, Doktor, give Gertrude that nasty little cigar," she said, holding out a peremptory hand. "I'm afraid there's a problem with that, Nurse," Tofu said hoarsely, turning to face her. "Urp!" A perfect smoke-ring sailed out of his mouth, past Gertrude, and across the room. Gertrude's eyes widened. "You swallowed it?" Tofu nodded quickly, already consulting the pharmacopoeia. "I hope it's not harmful when ingested... oh. Oh, dear." "What?" Gertrude crowded in beside him and stared at the page. "I can't read this. Is it Chinese?" "Sanskrit," Tofu said absently. "Well, what does it say, then? Shall I prepare gastric lavage?" Tofu slammed the tome closed decisively and stood up. "There's no time for that, Nurse. I must leave right away, or I'll be late for a very important--" "No, Doktor," Gertrude interrupted firmly. "You can't think of going out in your condition-- whatever it is. You must stay here until the effects have--" "Nonsense." Tofu waved an imperious hand. "I feel fine." He strode off, leaving a wisp of smoke behind. "But, Doktor!" Gertrude boggled for a moment, then raced after Tofu. "I will accompany you, then, for your own safety!" The clinic door slammed shut, then suddenly opened. "Dreimal- verfluchte ding!" The "Out to Lunch" sign rattled and the door slammed again. "Wait for me, Liebchen!" ~~~~~ Tai Park was a magnet for the people of Nerima whenever the weather was pleasant, and never more than during the few days in spring when the sakura were in full display. Retirees and vacationers began to congregate there in the morning, families staked out favorite spots at noontime, children played in the fragrant, sun-dappled shade all afternoon, and even after dark the merrymaking continued with lantern-lit drinking parties. Carrying two large baskets, Ranma followed Kasumi and Akane beneath the blossoming trees as they threaded their way among picnickers who had gotten there earlier. The women's kimonos reflected the season and the occasion; Kasumi had mentioned that Akane's was a bit "young" for her, but Ranma couldn't see anything wrong with it. What difference did it make how long the sleeves were, anyway? "C'mon, pick a spot, already!" he called impatiently. "The smell is making me hungry!" Akane smirked over her shoulder. "You're always hungry, Ranma." She turned to Kasumi. "There's a nice view of the pond from here...." "It is, isn't it? All right, then." Kasumi took the groundcloth from one of Ranma's baskets and deployed it with a brisk snap, and Akane bent to straighten the corners. "There." A couple of petals beat the baskets to its pristine surface. "Man, it was driving me crazy, having all that food right there and not a hand free to grab it," Ranma said, helping Akane unpack. "I was about to try juggling." He filched a musubi before Akane could intercept it. "Ranma, it's rude to start before everyone else!" Akane protested. "Now, Akane, after carrying all this so far he deserves a little snack to take the edge off," Kasumi said indulgently. "Besides, he'll get cranky if we make him wait." She knelt next to the tall, lacquered boxes containing the provisions, arranging her kimono around her legs. "Jeez," Ranma muttered. He eyed the boxes hungrily, but decided not to try sneaking another snack, and looked around instead. "Hey, there he is! Tofu-sensei! Over here!" He jumped to his feet and waved vigorously. "Oh, foo. Why'd he bring HER with him?" Akane grumbled. Sure enough, the white-uniformed figure of the German nurse could be seen hurrying along behind Tofu. "Is that my rival?" Kasumi asked, shading her eyes with her hand. "That's her." "Well, this will be interesting, won't it?" "That's one word for it," Akane admitted, giving her sister a surprised look; the tone of Kasumi's voice reflected none of the petulance she felt herself, and even seemed... eager? Ranma remained standing as the others approached. "Hiya, Tofu-sensei," he said when they were nearly there. He spared a cool nod to Gertrude and shifted slightly, ready to give Tofu a focusing punch on the shoulder when the doctor started to wig out. "Hello, Ranma-kun! My, Akane-chan, what a pretty kimono!" Tofu greeted them, a little absently; clearly most of his attention was on the young woman seated on the opposite side of the picnic cloth. "It's been a long time, Kasumi-san," he said, bowing. Kasumi matched his bow. "We've missed you, Tofu-sensei. Welcome back." Her glance shifted past his shoulder. "Ah... your guest...?" "Ah, this is Nurse Gertrude Nadelmann." He turned to the nurse. "Gertrude-san, Tendo Kasumi-san." Akane and Ranma traded glances of relief and surprise; Tofu was showing no sign of either the expected derangement or the embarrassment appropriate to the situation. "Pleased to meet you, Tendo-san," Gertrude said, bowing correctly. In the place of the jealous hostility she had shown Akane and onna-Ranma at the clinic the previous day, the red- headed nurse displayed wary respect. Akane frowned a little at the implied slight. Kasumi smiled. "Guten Tag, Fraulein Nadelmann," she said carefully. Gertrude's eyes lit up. "Ach, was fur eine angenehme Uberraschung! Seit lange--" She broke off; Kasumi was blushing and shaking her head, with a slightly-flustered smile. "No, I'm afraid I don't actually speak German," Kasumi admitted. "Certainly not nearly as well as you speak Japanese!" "Ah, well," Gertrude said regretfully. "Still, your greeting was a welcome thing to hear, Kasumi-san." She straightened a little. "I apologize for intruding, but Doktor Tofu's condition... well...." Kasumi waved a gracious hand. "Oh, no need to explain! You're welcome, of course. Please, sit down here by me!" "You're very kind." Gertrude settled herself on her shins, but evidently wasn't as comfortable with sitting on the ground as the others were. "Plant it, Tofu-sensei," Ranma muttered, nudging the doctor with his elbow to break him out of what appeared to be a trance state featuring a steady gaze at Kasumi and a polite smile. "You okay?" Tofu turned to look at Ranma, and his smile changed from polite to friendly. "I'm fine, Ranma-kun." He dropped to sit cross-legged at the edge of the groundcloth opposite Kasumi, and Ranma sat next to him. "Why?" "You're just acting kinda different." "Hey, no sweat," Tofu said casually. "I did what you suggested, and it's working fine." Ranma frowned a little; he couldn't quite put his finger on what was wrong with the doctor-- besides that he wasn't going ga- ga in Kasumi's presence, of course-- but his instincts were flashing a red light. "If you say so." "Tea or juice, everyone?" Akane said, patting two tall Thermos dispensers by her side. Tofu switched his regard to her and his manner changed again. "Tea, please, Akane-chan." "Juice for me," Ranma requested, his attention fixed on the koban boxes as Kasumi unstacked them. "Tsukemono first," Kasumi announced cheerfully, setting the boxes of colorful pickled fruits and vegetables out. "And here's some maki-sushi." "Akane made those, right?" Ranma eyed the misshapen rolls dubiously. Akane sighed in exasperation. "They're not as bad as they look! Here." She picked one up in her chopsticks and presented it to Ranma. "Open wide... or else." "I may need medical attention in a minute," Ranma said in an aside to Tofu. "Ow! All right, all right!" He closed his eyes and leaned forward to munch the morsel while the others laughed. "Well?" Akane demanded after a moment. Ranma swallowed. "Keep practicin'." He smirked at Akane's crestfallen look. "They're the best you've managed yet, though." "Oh, you rat, why couldn't you have said that first?" Akane exclaimed. "Honestly!" She turned to Gertrude and managed an acceptably pleasant look. "Gertrude-san, do you like sushi? I know a lot of foreigners have trouble with it...." "Oh, I've gotten used to raw fish," Gertrude replied. She leaned forward confidentially. "Actually, it's one of the cooked ones I don't like. I can't stand sushi with octopus. Those nasty purple tentacles, and those awful suckers... ugh!" "Tofu-sensei?" Kasumi held out a covered box across the picnic. "Please try these, I think you'll like them." "Thank you, Kasumi-san." Tofu removed the lid. "Oh, my, tako-nigiri!" He picked one up and took a bite out of it. "Delicious." Gertrude turned and caught sight of the remaining half of the tako-nigiri: a finger of rice and, secured to the top of it by a thin band of nori, a thin slice of boiled octopus tentacle, its white meat contrasting with purple skin and the neat rings of suckers. She went pale, then green. "Eeeek!" Staggering to her feet and backing away, she stared in horror as an uncomprehending Tofu popped the rest of the bit of sushi into his mouth. "Ugh! Doktor Tofu, how could you?!" Tofu blinked and swallowed. "What is the difficulty, Nurse?" "Those-- those things!" Gertrude stuttered, waving at the rest of the unfortunate octopus, sliced thin and arrayed decoratively in the box, while carefully not looking at it. "Schrecklich!" "She can't stand octopus," Akane recalled. "She was just saying so when Kasumi--" She broke off as a sudden suspicion popped into her mind, and she glanced sidelong at her sister. *No, it can't be.* "Oh, I'm so sorry!" Kasumi exclaimed, her smile now pure embarrassment. "Please forgive me!" Tofu replaced the box lid, concealing the dread tidbits, and Gertrude breathed a little easier. Akane saw her eyes narrow slightly as she regarded Kasumi, but if she was considering accusing her hostess of springing the tentacles on her deliberately, she thought better of it. Gertrude's look of wary respect returned. "No, no, think nothing of it," she said, reseating herself. "It's silly of me, I know." "Oh, by no means. Tofu-sensei, if you would pass the box back, please? Thank you. We'll just put these away, shall we?" Still radiating self-reproach, Kasumi stowed the box of tako- nigiri back in the basket. "Hey, does this mean I don't get any?" Ranma protested. "Ranma!" "I'm afraid not, Ranma." Kasumi glanced at Gertrude, who was still quivering a little. "Perhaps after we get home." "Great, I'll have to fight Pops and Tendo-san for them," Ranma grumbled. "Your father and sister are well, I trust?" Tofu asked Kasumi in a transparent attempt to restart the convivial atmosphere. "Oh, yes, they're fine. We invited Father and Nabiki, of course, but Father and Saotome-no-ojisama already had plans, and Nabiki said she was too busy getting ready for university to, er, 'goof off'." Kasumi looked up at the branches laden with white and pink blossoms, and the blue sky beyond. "What a pity; it's such a nice day." "Little Nabiki-chan is about to start university? My, how time flies," Tofu remarked, shaking his head. Kasumi's smile twisted micrometrically. "Yes, it certainly does." She hesitated. "I imagine the clinic is back as though it never left, though." "Oh, yes, it seems like it never closed," Tofu said genially. "All of the same old patients are coming back with their chronic complaints. Er... you would be more than welcome to come by, you know...." "Why, thank you, Tofu-sensei. I'll be sure to keep that in mind if I have any complaints." Akane winced, and sensed Ranma's flinch. Neither of them said anything, though, and Gertrude had apparently missed it. Tofu blinked. "By all means," he said weakly. A shadow fell between Ranma and Akane, and both turned and looked up. "Well, isn't this cozy," Pantyhose-Taro said sardonically. "Oh, crap," Ranma said under his breath. "What are you doing here, Pan--?" Whap! "Hey!" "You know better than that, girly-boy. I came to see Kasumi, of course." "How did you know we were here?" Akane asked bluntly. Taro shrugged. "Your sister told me." "Nabiki? How much did it cost you?" Ranma inquired. "Not a copper cash," Taro said with satisfaction. "You didn't hurt her or threaten her, did you?" Akane exclaimed. Taro put a hand on his chest and registered dismay. "Me? Would I do a thing like that?" "Yeah!" "Quiet, girly-boy, I was talking to the one who wears the pants in your family." Taro smirked at Akane's and Ranma's reactions to his double-pronged barb and continued. "I didn't lay a finger on her. She tried to shake me down, I'll admit, but it didn't work." "Why not?" Ranma asked suspiciously. "Well, let's just say she's not as smart as she thinks, and I'm not as stupid as she thinks," Taro said. "Or maybe you didn't HAVE a copper cash, and she told you so you'd go away," Ranma guessed. Taro's smirk vanished. "Shut up." He took a calming breath and managed to smile pleasantly at Kasumi. "Hello, Kasumi. I just flew in today." "Hello, Taro-kun," Kasumi greeted him. "Welcome back. Did you have a nice trip?" "Not too bad," Taro said, shrugging. "We were just having lunch, would you like to join us?" "Your cooking? Absolutely." "Why can't you be that enthusiastic?" Akane whispered to Ranma as Taro circled the picnic. "Why can't you be that good of a cook?" Ranma whispered back. Swat! Taro stopped between Kasumi and Gertrude and addressed the nurse. "You mind scooting over a bit, lady?" Gertrude scooted without comment, causing Tofu to move in turn to maintain decorum. "Thanks." Taro sat down and accepted a cup of tea from Kasumi with a grateful nod. "So who're they?" he inquired, tilting an eyebrow in the direction of Tofu and Gertrude. "Oh, that's right, you haven't met," Kasumi said. "This is Ono Tofu-sensei, and this is Nadelmann Gertrude-san. Tofu- sensei, Gertrude-san, this is Pa--" Kasumi broke off at Taro's warning cough-- "excuse me, I mean Taro-san." The three exchanged cautious nods. Kasumi continued, still wearing a bland smile. "Taro-san is one of Ranma and Akane's friends; I invited him to an omiai recently, but we're not engaged yet. Tofu-sensei was our family doctor for a long time, and lots of people thought he and I were a couple, but that was before he disappeared for a year. Gertrude-san is Tofu-sensei's nurse, of course." "Girlfriend," Gertrude added, squeezing Tofu's arm, but no one was paying attention to her. Ranma and Akane were staring at Kasumi, looking as stunned as if identical anvils had fallen simultaneously on their heads; they couldn't dispute the truth of Kasumi's statements, but it was hard to imagine a more incendiary way to phrase them. Tofu blinked rapidly behind his glasses. "Omiai? Not engaged... yet?" he said weakly. He looked at Taro. "My daughter is of marriageable age," Soun said, gesturing to the young woman clad in a fine kimono who knelt at his side. "There was someone else who might have been interested, but for some reason he never approached us... ah, well, that's in the past." He tucked his hands into his haori coat and assumed a benevolent look. "I'm sure she'll make you a fine wife, lad." Lounging unaccompanied on the other side of the low table, Taro leered sociably at Kasumi. "Whatever you say, Pops. You won't mind if I try her out first, though...?" Kasumi blushed, lowered her head, and nodded shyly. "Family doctor? Couple?" Taro eyed Tofu with sudden suspicion. Tofu came into the clinic room and set down his clipboard. "Now, Kasumi-chan, be a good girl and take off your clothes so I can, ah, examine you." His fingers wiggled suggestively. Seated on the examination couch in the middle of the room, Kasumi giggled. "Whatever you say, Sensei." She reached for the top button on her blouse. *He's young and in good shape, and a girl might think he's good-looking, I suppose,* Tofu thought. *The bastard's a doctor, so he's got to have money and an education, maybe even property,* Taro thought. *Could he be her type?* they both thought. Gertrude's statement finally sank in for Taro. He laughed suddenly and leaned over to put an arm around Kasumi's shoulders. "Well, since you have a girlfriend, Tofu, that'll work out just fine. You stick with her and leave Kasumi to me." "What a fine idea!" Gertrude exclaimed, but again she was ignored. Tofu leaned forward and planted a fist on the ground. "Well, maybe I don't want to." "Liebchen!" "Kasumi-san deserves better than a cheap punk like you," Tofu continued. Akane's eyes bugged out, but Ranma gave Tofu an approving nod. Taro smirked. "And that would be you, I suppose?" "Well, maybe, not that being better than you is saying much," Tofu said casually. "Doktor Tofu, are you feeling all right?" Gertrude asked, sounding quite concerned. Tofu turned to her and smiled reassuringly. "I'm fine, Nurse, thank you for asking." "Anyone trying to move in on my girl gets hurt," Taro said, removing his arm from Kasumi and cracking his knuckles. "Ready to put my fist where your mouth is?" "Hah," Tofu sneered. "I can take a boy like you down without breaking a sweat!" "Right, let's go, then." Taro got up and sauntered around behind Tofu, where there was a clear spot that enlarged rapidly as picnickers scrambled to collect their things and get out of the way. Tofu stood and moved to face the Chinese youth, displaying very similar body language. Ranma got up too. "Where do you think you're going?" Akane demanded. "Over there," Ranma replied, indicating the other side of the venue. "Just going to keep things from getting out of hand." "They're already out of hand! Honestly, those two sound like third-graders in a playground!" Ranma flashed a cocky smile. "It's a guy thing." "Well, stop them, then!" "Nah, I'm not crazy. Besides, I've always wanted to see how Tofu-sensei fights. You take care of this side, OK?" He trotted off around the combatants. "Back off, girly-boy," Taro warned Ranma. "I don't need your help, and I don't need you helping Doctor Strange there, either." "Take it easy," Ranma said, holding up open hands. "Just think of me as the referee." "Don't need that either." Taro assumed his usual wide stance and watched Tofu, who didn't seem to be in any stance at all. He got tired of waiting after a few seconds and advanced crabwise, his feet flickering, to probe at Tofu's defenses with a combination of punches and kicks. Tofu was readier than he looked, blocking and evading with casual economy. "My, Akane, isn't this exciting?" Kasumi said, watching the combat unfold. Akane stared at her sister. "Exciting?" "Well, isn't that how you felt when men fought over you?" "It's awful! Don't you see what's going on here?" Kasumi looked puzzled. "Of course. We practically have ringside seats." "No, not that! Those idiots fighting over you-- the winner's going to think he OWNS you!" "My goodness, do they really?" Kasumi's eyebrows rose. "Well, fancy that." She started packing the abandoned picnic back in its boxes. Taro stepped back, breathing a little more heavily than he really wanted to be, and regarded his opponent through slitted eyes. Tofu was heavier than he was, and so might be a little stronger, but he was certainly faster than the older man. It wasn't doing him any good, though. Somehow the doctor was anticipating his attacks, he had to be; it was the only explanation for how Tofu was able to block and evade him. Well, he'd just have to be even faster, and try to be deceptive.... Wondering why Tofu had yet to strike back, Taro renewed his attack, launching linear punches and circling kicks with as much reflex and instinct and as little forethought as he could manage. A few of them got through Tofu's defenses, jolting the older man back a step at a time, and Taro smirked... and then realized that it was because this time Tofu WAS striking back. None of the hits were solid, though; they were just prods and pats here and there. "Is that the best you can do, old man?" Taro taunted, disengaging. "Those wouldn't kill a bug." Tofu, matching Taro's smirk, turned away. "Fight's over," he said over his shoulder. "You lose." "What? Bullarrgh--" Taro suddenly stiffened and toppled like a felled tree. "Nngh!" He rolled his eyes wildly-- there wasn't much else that was still working-- and spotted the pond at the foot of the slope. If he could just reach that, he'd show them! After a few false starts, he got the knack of hitching his traitorous body along the ground with his nose. "Give it up," Ranma advised, squatting on his heels in Taro's way. "I'm not gonna let you scare the crap out of all these people." He hopped nimbly back as Taro snapped at his ankle. "Knock it off, I said! Besides, even if your nose held out that long, you'd just turn into a two-ton monster who couldn't move a muscle. What good is that gonna do ya, huh?" "Mmmph." Taro deflated, his disgust and frustration plain to see, and craned his neck to look back at where Kasumi, Akane, and Gertrude were still clustered around the picnic spot. Tofu sat back down across the cloth from Kasumi and rubbed the back of his neck. "Heh... sorry about that," he chuckled, sweatdropping. He noticed the bareness of the cloth and blinked. "Er... I suppose the picnic's over, then...?" "I'm afraid so," Kasumi said pleasantly. "It was very good to see you again, though. Perhaps some other time?" She stood and bowed, then moved off towards Ranma and Taro. Tofu, looking nonplussed, watched her go. Gertrude took his arm. "You really aren't yourself, Doktor Tofu," she chided him. "Let's go back to the clinic and you can rest, ja?" "In a minute," Tofu said, sounding preoccupied. He followed Kasumi, a few steps behind. Kasumi knelt by Taro, pulled his head onto her lap, and stroked his brow. "Poor Taro-san," she crooned. "Nnnsss!" Flushing, Taro tried to roll away from her, but succeeded only in wobbling his head. "Oh, Akane explained that you boys had some silly notion that the loser would have to leave me alone or something like that... is that right?" Taro gave her a perplexed nod, and Kasumi continued. "Really, you should have asked me first. My sympathies are with the loser, you see." She looked up at Tofu. "Tofu-sensei, would you, um, fix Taro-san, please?" Tofu looked embarrassed again. "Well, I would if I could, but I'm afraid I can't. My apologies. I expect he'll be fine in a few hours, though." "Oh, dear." Kasumi gently set Taro's head and shoulders aside and stood up. "Ranma, Akane, would you carry Taro-san home, please? I'll get the koban and the cloth." "Hold still," Ranma advised Taro. "I'm not gonna cry if I drop ya." He picked the fuming youth up like a board, tucking his torso under one arm, and waited for Akane to get his legs. Kasumi came back carrying the picnic things and bowed to Tofu and Gertrude. "It was nice to meet you, Gertrude-san. Goodbye for now, Tofu-sensei." "The pleasure was mine," replied Gertrude. "Ah, goodbye. Thank you for inviting me, er, us," Tofu said pleasantly, bowing in return. He watched them depart, then slumped with a sigh. ~~~~~ "Hmm... just put him down in here, would you?" Kasumi suggested, opening the dojo door. Ranma and Akane toted Taro's rigid form past her. After a glance back at Kasumi, Ranma put his end of Taro down with ostentatious care, then stood up and swung his arms. "You're welcome," he told the Chinese youth. Taro turned his head away, frowning. "Mmmpf." "Let me put these things away and we'll come back and make you more comfy, all right?" Kasumi said brightly to Taro, and his expression lightened a little. She smiled, slid the door shut, and picked up the picnic box. Akane and Ranma followed her to the house, the one scowling and the other seemingly unconcerned. "I hope you don't mind letting Taro rest in your dojo," Kasumi said to Akane as soon as they were out of earshot. "I'd rather not put him in the tearoom...." She trailed off, blushing a little. Akane shook her head. "No, that's not what I'm concerned about--" She broke off and eyed her sister. "What's wrong with putting Taro-kun in the tearoom?" "Oh, I couldn't inconvenience everyone like that." "Uh huh." *You mean we'd inconvenience you....* "Well, I don't mind havin' Pantyhose-Taro in the dojo for a while," Ranma put in, "but why not put him in your room, then?" "Oh, no. That wouldn't be proper at all," Kasumi said firmly. Ranma scratched his head. "I don't see why not. I was in Akane's room lotsa times, and nobody said it wasn't proper." "That's because everyone knew I'd just clobber you if you tried anything funny," Akane said tartly. "Way I remember it, I wasn't the one who 'tried something funny'," Ranma pointed out. "Ranma!" Akane protested, blushing hotly. Ranma skipped nimbly out of the way of her swat, his expression clearing. "Oh, I get it. You could defend yourself, and poor ol' Pantyhose-guy can't right now--" "Ranma!" Kasumi protested, blushing almost as hotly as her sister. "What?" "Oh, never mind." Kasumi took a deep breath and collected herself. "Akane, if you would get a futon from upstairs and take it out to Taro-kun, please? Ranma, those cushions there... thank you. I'll be out in a minute." She disappeared into the kitchen with the picnic box. Ranma shrugged, collected the indicated cushions, and took them to the dojo. "Yo, Pa--" "Rrrghhfmmf!!" "Okay, okay, I won't name ya when you're down." Ranma grinned and dropped the cushions on the floor as Akane came in with a rolled-up futon. "Here you go--" They spread the futon out flat and transferred Taro to it. "Better?" "Mmm. Mmmf..." Ranma blinked. "Was that 'thanks'?" Taro scowled and gave a tiny nod. "How about that. Kasumi-oneesan must be rubbing off on ya--" "Ranma!" Kasumi was just coming in the door with a tray, still dressed in the kimono she'd worn to the aborted picnic. "It was a whatchamacallit, a figure of speech!" Ranma said hastily, blushing. "I certainly hope so." Kasumi set the tray down, then positioned a cushion near the head of Taro's futon and settled on it. "How are you feeling, Taro-kun?" Taro shrugged a little, then looked surprised that it'd worked. "Oh, good. I'll just keep you company while you recover, shall I?" Akane looked down, saw what was on the tray beside the teapot and cups, and blinked. She nudged Ranma. "Come on, four's a crowd." "I thought it was 'three'," Ranma objected, but he followed her out. "Anything over two, sometimes. No way am I going to sit around while Kasumi-oneechan reads old romantic poetry to Taro- kun." Akane heaved an exasperated sigh. "I think she's trying to civilize him or something." "Or something," Ranma agreed. ~~~~~ Akane looked up from her magazine when Kasumi came back into the tearoom later that afternoon; a quick glance showed no apparent signs of mussage. "Um, Kasumi-oneechan, I'd like to talk to you--" "Oh, I'm sorry, Akane, but can it wait? I'm late starting dinner, you see," Kasumi apologized, sailing by on her way upstairs. "Sure, later...." Akane trailed off, realizing she was talking to herself. She tried again in the kitchen after dinner. "Oneechan, about that talk...." "Just a moment, Akane, I want to take this to Taro-kun," Kasumi replied, paddling rice into a bowl to go on a waiting tray with a selection of leftovers from dinner. "He should be able to eat by now." Akane planted herself by the counter. "I'll be here," she said firmly. "Good, good," Kasumi said, sounding preoccupied. She carried the laden tray out. Akane waited. As she expected, Kasumi returned in rather more time than it took to walk to the dojo and back. "There, all done," Kasumi said, removing her apron and hanging it up. She turned to her sister. "So, what's Ranma done now?" "Huh? No, it's not Ranma. Not this time." "Really? My goodness." Akane looked at her sister sharply, but didn't see anything behind the smile. "Well, let's go upstairs, then," Kasumi continued. "Finally," Akane muttered under her breath. Kasumi led the way up to her room and closed the door behind them. "Now, what's all this about?" she asked, sitting on her bed. "Marriage counseling?" "Actually, sort of," Akane said with an involuntary twitch of the lips, "but not ours... for a change." "Really? Father and Hinako-sensei, perhaps?" "Oneechan!" Akane complained. "You're teasing!" "Well, perhaps I am a little... but really, Akane, it's hard to resist sometimes, you know." Kasumi left it at that and waited. Akane puffed out a sigh. "You're just not going to make this easy for me, are you?" "I'm not sure I follow you, Akane. It's not like Taro-kun has proposed to me, after all." "Taro-kun? No, I meant Tofu-sensei... you haven't given up on him because of that little performance this afternoon, have you?" "He was acting quite strangely, wasn't he?" "Argh," Akane muttered. "No, I meant the 'sympathies with the loser' thing." "Oh, no, that was just for this afternoon." Kasumi gave Akane a what-silly-boys-they-were smile. Akane stared at her sister. "You're not thinking of two- timing them, are you?" "Am I?" Kasumi looked thoughtful. "Yes, I suppose I am." Hairs sprang out around Akane's head and her jaw dropped. "But-- that's-- you-- that's just wrong!" she protested. Kasumi sighed. "Akane, I know you have strong feelings on the subject, after what you went through with Ranma, but this is a different situation." "They're all different," Akane maintained stubbornly, "and they're all wrong. If you want to go with someone else, you have to dump the one you've got. That's just fair." "Hmm... but I haven't 'got' Taro-kun, and I'm not 'going with' Tofu-sensei, am I?" "Well, I suppose not, not exactly, but...." "Akane, if one of them made me a proposal--" *or even a proposition,* her thought filled in -- "I would certainly consider it, but they haven't... and not for lack of opportunities, either." Kasumi sounded almost exasperated. "All Taro-kun had to do was follow through on the omiai, and we'd be engaged now -- perhaps even married. All Tofu-sensei had to do was be serious for a few minutes, but instead he ran away for a year." "Um." Taken aback, Akane couldn't come up with a better response. "So we'll just see how this goes, shall we? Who knows, maybe I'll even have some fun. I'd like that. I think I deserve some, don't you?" Kasumi smiled beatifically. Emitting a heavy sigh, Akane sagged. "Somebody's going to wind up with a broken heart, I just know it." "I don't think it's gotten to that point yet," Kasumi said doubtfully. "I think if it had, there'd be less... dithering." *You'd be surprised,* Akane thought. "I just hope it's not you or Tofu-sensei. Speaking of whom, I hope you don't think the way he was acting this afternoon was normal." "It wasn't? Oh." Kasumi sounded vaguely disappointed. Heedless, Akane carried on. "I'm sure something was wrong with him, because I've never seen him act like that before." "Really? I was about to say that it was a great improvement." "What?!" Akane burst out. "Over trying to eat through a kerchief, running into walls, waltzing with his skeleton, and so forth, anyway." "You have a point there," Akane admitted. She considered. "I wonder if his time away... no, can't be." She sprang to her feet and paced back and forth. "Whatever he did, maybe he can do it again... no." She stopped and faced her sister. "No, you just need to see what he's like when you're not around. Then you'll know what a great guy he is, and you'll stop wasting your time on Taro-kun. Then we can work on stopping him from going gaga for you." "Hmm." Akane smacked her fist into her palm. "I've got it. Ranma and I will go see Tofu-sensei and talk to him. You sneak after us and peek in through the window, and then you'll see what he's like." "Oh, I couldn't do that!" Kasumi exclaimed with a shocked look. "Sure you can. The windowsill isn't too high--" "No, I mean, what if someone sees me? People will... talk." "Um." Akane looked crestfallen, then brightened. "I just had an idea." "Oh, dear...." ~~~~~ Ranma was watching television without much interest when he caught motion out of the corner of his eye. He flicked his eyes that way. Akane and Ranma.... "What the HELL--!" He rolled sideways and came to his feet in a crouch. "Yo, Ranma," Kasumi said in a low, rough voice, swaggering into the tearoom, then ruined the effect by giggling. "Jeez, don't scare me like that!" Ranma straightened to inspect his doppelganger. Kasumi was wearing a spare set of his usual clothes, with the bracers laced up tight. Her hair had been braided in a reasonable facsimile of his pigtail, which wasn't a big surprise; Akane did his often enough. The bangs were about the same, the height was about the same; Kasumi's build was slighter, of course, but still the resemblance was remarkable. "What do you think?" Akane asked, as bubbly as a corked champagne bottle. "Like I said, scary. What's this all about-- or do I want to know?" "This is so if anyone sees me getting into trouble, they'll think it's you," Kasumi explained. Ranma stared. "Oh, great." He sank his face in his hand. "Well, if Kasumi-oneechan gets into trouble, it's a lot worse than if you do--" "No, it makes perfect sense... dammit." Ranma raised his head again and eyed his wife and sister-in-law. "What kind of trouble you got in mind?" "Nothing much, just a visit to Tofu-sensei's. Ready?" "Like I have a choice?" Ranma inspected Kasumi again. "I see you didn't bind her chest--" Whap! "You're not supposed to be looking there!" Akane stormed. "I think I'm havin' fun already," Kasumi observed in her Ranma-voice. ~~~~~ Out in the dojo, Pantyhose-Taro set the last empty bowl aside and belched in contentment. Then he tried standing up. This time it worked, although he was still a bit wobbly. Well, by the time he found that damn doctor, he'd be ready to give him the clobbering he deserved... he'd have to do it when Kasumi wasn't around, though, or the bastard might get the attention he'd just enjoyed. Or he could pretend to lose again.... "I'm getting as loony as girly-boy," Taro muttered, shaking his head to drive the unworthy thought from his mind. That still left the problem of finding out where his rival was; well, he knew who to ask. He tottered towards the dojo doors. On the walkway leading from the dojo to the house, he heard voices coming from the front walk and stopped to listen. Akane and Ranma heading out, it sounded like, and then he heard Akane mention "Tofu-sensei". *Perfect.* Taro grinned a nasty grin and followed. As he came out the big front gate, he saw figures hurrying away up the street. As they darted from one streetlight-cast cone of illumination to the next, for a moment he thought there were three of them... and two of them were Ranma. "Damn," he said to himself, rubbing his eyes, "those nerve-strikes were worse than I thought." ~~~~~ Gertrude Nadelmann paused outside Tofu's clinic in the light of the globular fixture over the door. She looked apprehensively around at the deepening night, then blinked in surprise as Ranma and Akane came around the corner. "Guten Abend," she wished them. "Good evening," Akane said, also surprised. "What are you doing here?" "I'm just on my way back to my lodging," the German nurse replied. "I offered to make him dinner, but he said I'd done enough already." "I'll bet that's not all you offered--" The words slipped out before Akane could stop them. Gertrude raised an eyebrow. "Rude for a Japanese girl, aren't you? You speak your mind. I like that," she added, forestalling Akane's explosion. "Yes, as a matter of fact, but the poor dear pleaded fatigue." "Look, are you planning to marry Tofu-sensei?" Akane demanded. "I haven't decided." Gertrude smiled at the confused expression on Akane's face. "But you slept with him!" It was Gertrude's turn to look confused. "So? I am a liberated woman, ja?" She dimpled. "Besides, I wouldn't marry someone I hadn't tried out... would you?" "Um...." Akane glanced at Ranma, but found no help there; Ranma had his hands behind his head and was looking up at the stars, smirking. "I did," she admitted. "Aha. Congratulations. Well, I expect you understand the health benefits of getting laid from time to time, then." "Defin--" Blushing, Akane caught herself. "Never mind that! The question here is marriage!" "If you insist," Gertrude agreed, shrugging. "No, I have not raised the subject yet. Men are shy, and to trap one successfully needs proper timing... but you know this already, I see." She nodded to Ranma, who looked startled. "That's not how it happened!" Ranma protested. Gertrude bowed slightly to Akane. "Very successfully indeed. Perhaps I should be asking you for advice, hmm?" "Heheh...." Akane looked down at her forefingers poking together. "Now wait just a--" The front door of the clinic opened and Tofu peered out. "Oh, hello. I thought I heard voices." Akane gratefully seized on the opportunity to drop the subject; chatting with Gertrude was too much like wrestling an electric eel. "Good evening, Tofu-sensei. Um, if you have a minute, could we talk to you?" "Yes, of course," Tofu said, sounding unsurprised. "Please come in." He stood aside to let Akane and Ranma enter, and gave Gertrude an inquiring look, but the nurse defied his expectation. "Gute Nacht, Liebchen," Gertrude wished him. "I will see you tomorrow, ja?" "As you say," Tofu said, sounding surprised. "Good night." He closed the door as Gertrude turned and walked off. Around the corner of the building, hidden in the shadows, Kasumi thought about what she'd just overheard and considered how best to overhear more. Not far away, Taro tried a quick double-punch at the air and frowned in frustration; he hadn't recovered enough to take on the doctor quite yet. ~~~~~ "So, about what happened this afternoon...." Akane prompted. Tofu sighed, looking tired. "A lot of things happened this afternoon, Akane-chan. Where would you like me to start?" "Well, you were acting a little strange." Akane glanced at the window, noting with approval that it was open a little; hopefully Kasumi was getting all this. "Ah. That. I had an accident with the, er, tranquilizer," Tofu said. "The particular compound I chose would have acted as a sort of mood stabilizer when smoked, but when ingested... well, it's not called 'mimic-weed' for nothing. And I ingested it." Akane's eyes widened in sudden understanding. "So the strange way you were acting--" "--was because I was actually acting like whoever I was talking to at the moment," Tofu agreed. "So you were friendly to me, a little coarse to Ranma--" "Hey, are you sayin' I act coarse?" Ranma interrupted, indignant. "Casual, then," Tofu suggested diplomatically. "Yes, exactly. I was polite to Kasumi-san, which was probably better than 'going all goofy', as you put it. But that Taro fellow... well, he's not a very nice person, is he? So I wasn't very nice to him, I'm afraid." Ranma waved a careless hand. "He'll recover." "Yes, he should be fine now," Tofu said, looking at the clock on the wall. "But what must Kasumi-san think of me?" "Well, that's hard to say," Akane said quickly, glancing again at the window. "The real question is, what do you think of Kasumi-oneechan?" "I-- Uh-- Ka-Kasumi-san!" Tofu squeaked dreamily as his glasses began to fog. "Hey, cut it out!" Ranma punched Tofu on the shoulder. Tofu slumped. "Thanks, I needed that," he sighed. "Never mind, Tofu-sensei." Akane pondered, chewing delicately on her lower lip. "But what are you going to do about it?" "If past history is any guide, I'm going to behave like a clown," said Tofu unhappily, "and your sister's going to go on thinking I am one... barring some sort of miracle, which I pray for every day." He looked up. "Er... is she serious about Taro- san?" "Hard to say," Akane repeated. "Are you serious about Gertrude-san?" Tofu winced. "Ouch." He walked over to the window and stared out into the night, considering his response. ~~~~~ Kasumi retreated quickly and quietly towards the corner of the clinic. The voices from inside were carrying well, and she could hear just fine from there. ~~~~~ A couple of blocks away, Gertrude sneezed... and then remembered a Japanese superstition she'd heard about. "Nonsense," she muttered to herself, but she turned and looked back in the direction of Tofu's clinic anyway. "They could very well be talking about me, couldn't they?" She dithered for only a moment before briskly retracing her steps. ~~~~~ Taro took note of the canal across the street; the water flowing sluggishly in it might be tactically useful quite soon. Not right now, though; he'd see if he could beat this damn doctor in human form before resorting to his monster form. He squared his shoulders and strode up to the front of the clinic. He had a good plan: he'd just pound on the door, and then beat up whoever came out. He raised his fist just as someone came around the corner. Taro turned. "Hey, girly-boy, I thought you were inside. Gonna protect your doctor friend again, huh?" The pigtailed figure in Ranma's clothes stood in mute surprise. "What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?" His adversary giggled suddenly, and that ignited Taro's ire. He darted forward and attacked, slamming a flurry of punches at the pigtailed youth, who dodged fluidly clear of the bushes. Taro was just realizing that there was something odd about his opponent's style when one of the punches connected. "Oof!" "Ranma", knocked back by the blow, tumbled to the street. "Oh, my!" Taro, about to follow up, straightened in shock. "Kasumi?! Oh, crap, not again...." "I'm afraid so, Taro-kun," Kasumi said, sitting up carefully. "I, uh, I'm sor--" Taro blinked. "Look, what the hell are you doing prancing around in girly-boy's clothes?" "Oh, this and that," Kasumi said lightly. "If you would be so kind?" Bemused, Taro stepped forward and gave her a hand up. "It's a nice night, isn't it?" Taro actually looked up for a moment. "I guess-- argh!" He dragged his train of thought back on track. "Never mind that. What the hell are you doing here?" "I live here, Taro-kun. Well, not HERE here, but right over there here, if you see what I mean." "I know I didn't hit her in the head," Taro mused to himself. "I don't see how the clothes figure into it... but you came to see that damn doctor, didn't you?" Taro accused Kasumi suspiciously. "My, the stars are bright tonight," Kasumi remarked. Taro sighed, defeated. "All right, have it your way." He stared at Kasumi for a moment, wondering how to get her out of the way so he could mash his rival into pulp without... how did she put it? Oh, yeah: without her sympathies going to the pulpee. Her sympathies were pretty damn, uh, sympathetic, too.... "Guten Abend!" Kasumi and Taro turned and noticed Gertrude walking up to them. "Hey, you're that nurse, aren't you? The doctor's girlfriend?" Gertrude smiled brightly. "Genau! How nice of you to remember. We met this afternoon, didn't we? Taro-san, I believe the name was." "Just Taro," Taro said. "Nothing after, definitely not anything before." "Sehr gut. And I think we have met as well," Gertrude said to Kasumi, "but I can't recall...." "Hey, how about you and her going off somewhere and talking about it?" Taro suggested suddenly, struck by a brilliant plan. "No need for you to stand around out here on the street, haha." Gertrude ignored Taro. "Wait, I'll get it...." "Saotome Ranma," Kasumi prompted Gertrude in her Ranma- voice, also ignoring Taro. "That's it!" Gertrude snapped her fingers suddenly. "At first I thought you were the boy from the picnic, Akane-san's man, but you're that candy-stripper!" She glared at Kasumi. "We agreed that you would leave Doktor Tofu alone if you lost, and now I find you hanging around outside! Shame on you!" She turned to Taro. "And you're here to see Doktor Tofu, nicht wahr? We will go inside while this person goes home; she's not allowed in the clinic." Gertrude took Taro's arm and escorted him to the door while his mouth was still opening and closing. "Strange, she looks taller in the dark," she muttered. ~~~~~ "So I--" Doctor Tofu broke off at the sound of brisk rapping at the door. "I wonder who that could be? Excuse me a moment," he said to Ranma and Akane, and left the room. Tofu opened the door. "Good eve-- oh, dear," he exclaimed on seeing Taro and Gertrude. Taro looked over his shoulder, but Kasumi was nowhere to be seen, and an evil smirk twisted his face. "You got that right, Doc." He moved forward menacingly. Tofu backed up, waving his hands. "Now, now, let's just discuss this like civilized people, shall we? I apologize for the way I treated you this afternoon, but there's a good explanation, really!" Taro kicked the door shut. Fortunately, Gertrude was already inside. He followed Tofu into the next room, not noticing Ranma and Akane at the other door. "You can take your explanation and shove it!" Taro charged at Tofu, but the doctor dropped, snatching at Taro's hands, and catapulted him over with a foot in the younger man's midsection. Crash! Taro smashed through the window and disappeared into the night. "I've done it again, haven't I," Tofu chuckled weakly, getting up and dusting himself off. "Are you all right, Liebchen?" Gertrude exclaimed from the foyer. Ranma wasn't paying attention to either of them. "The canal's that way," he remarked to Akane. "Oh, no...." Splash! "MOOO!" "Oh, yes," Ranma and Akane said in rueful unison, but it was too late. A huge, hairy hand reached into the room, seized the bug-eyed doctor, and yanked him off his feet and out the window. Gertrude screamed shrilly. Akane darted for the other room as Ranma dived out the window. In the street outside, Taro gave a bovine smirk at the foe held helpless in his abominable-snowman hand. "Heh, heh, heh." He contemplated the mayhem he was about to commit. Smash him to the ground and jump up and down on the crumpled body? Tear him limb from limb? The mother of all noogies? Suddenly he saw a pigtailed form clad in Ranma's clothes jump out the window. *Argh! It's Kasumi!* Faster than the eye could see, he handed off his victim to a tentacle, which whipped it around behind his broad back. He spread his huge arms and empty hands in a "Doctor? What doctor?" gesture and tried to smile innocently. "You're bein' an asshole, Pantyhose!" the figure shouted. "And fix that disgustin' face, willya?" Taro blinked. *Ranma?* "Give Tofu-sensei back, or you'll be sorry," Ranma warned. Taro looked over his left shoulder, but the tentacles on that side were empty of doctors. There was no Tofu on the right side, either. He glared at Ranma and shrugged. "Moo." "Okay, you asked for it." Ranma cracked his knuckles and stepped forward. Taro suddenly remembered that his tentacles had a habit of doing whatever they damn well felt like doing when he wasn't concentrating on them... but what had they done with the doctor? He didn't have time to think about it, because Ranma was leaping to the attack... and Akane was right behind him, with a steaming kettle in each hand. ~~~~~ Kasumi retreated to the far corner of the clinic as Gertrude knocked on the door, not wanting to be caught standing in the open when Tofu opened the door. She took cover in the bushes and wondered how to get across to the other side where the windows were so she could continue eavesdropping. She came to the side door, and Gertrude's admonition returned to her: "You're not allowed inside the clinic." "I am too," she said to herself. She giggled a little at her own rebelliousness, but it didn't stop her from opening the side door and slipping in. She'd have to ask Ranma what that was all about... later. The room was very dark with the door closed; this side of the clinic was away from the street, and the heavy drapes were drawn. She felt her way forward cautiously, heading for the door on the other side of the room. Suddenly her fingers encountered smooth, irregular strips and she heard the rattle of bones, and she jumped, startled. "Oh, it's just Betty," she whispered to herself in relief a moment later, but she paused there to let her heart slow down. Then something large crashed into the bushes outside. ~~~~~ Hot water sprayed from the kettle in Akane's hand, aimed right at Taro, and he just barely dodged it. She just barely evaded his return strike, flipping aside in an acrobatic, graceful movement, and Taro realized just too late that her other kettle had vanished. "Haaa!" Clang! Taro flicked his eyes up, but there Ranma was in midair just above him. His bladed hand had just split the kettle in half. Steaming water cascaded downward. As he shrank back into human form, Taro realized in chagrin that Akane hadn't called "Ready!" or even looked up. Fully occupied by leaping into his pants with blurring speed, Taro was wide open when Ranma and Akane landed in front of him and lashed out in unison. Their perfect double kick knocked him back through the window. "Yeah!" Ranma exulted. Then the clinic lights went out. ~~~~~ Gertrude couldn't see much of the combat outside the clinic. It was dark outside, and well-lit inside, and that meant all she saw were shapes darting to and fro... and some of those shapes were impossible. One of the shapes exploded back into the room through the smashed window. She just had time to recognize it as the young man from the picnic and the street when the room was plunged into darkness. Gertrude was afraid of the dark. Fortunately, there was someone to grab onto for comfort... ~~~~~ "EEEEEEEE!" "That was Gertrude, wasn't it?" Ranma asked. "I think so." "Argh! Leggoame, lady! Oof!" "That was definitely Pantyhose." "Definitely. What happened to the lights?" Akane looked around. It was pretty dim between the badly-damaged fence and the clinic, but her eyes were drawn right away to sparking from the outside wall of the building. "Um, Ranma...." Ranma looked where she was pointing. "Ooops." Half of the kettle had sliced partway through the thick conduit above a mysterious box mounted on the wall of the building. "I guess I broke the juice, huh?" "Looks like it." Akane inspected the damage. "Will it work if you pull that out?" "I'm a martial artist, not an electrician!" "Well, so am I. Give it a try." "I dunno. It looks dangerous." "As compared to?" Ranma opened his mouth, then closed it again. "Good point." He touched the kettle-shard gingerly. Nothing happened, so he seized it firmly and started working it out. ZZZAAAPPP!!! "ow...." said Ranma, smoking lightly. "RANMA! Are you all right?!" "yeah, i think so...." "Whew. But why aren't the lights back on, then?" "i said, i'm a martial artist--" "I heard you the first time." Akane opened the front panel of the mysterious box. "Oh, look, switches or breakers or something." Flip. ~~~~~ Tofu groaned and sat up in the wreckage of his own bushes. He remembered quite clearly being seized by a giant hand attached to some sort of hideous mooing monster, then being flung into the air by a ridiculously large tentacle. The city lights had been quite pretty as he sailed over the clinic.... the landing, however, had been anything but. He rose shakily to his feet and staggered over to the side door. "Physician, heal thyself," he muttered, opening the door. The light switch by the door didn't turn on the lights; he flipped it again for no rational reason, then left it as one more mystery in an unfathomable evening and started groping his way across the room. His questing fingers encountered a ribcage. *Betty? No, it's got-- oh, dear.* The rough silk suggested the identity of the bosom filling his palms, but before his lips could shape the first syllable of "Sorry, Ranma--" "Oh, my!" Doctor Ono Tofu's personal world turned to stone and began to crumble. His hands, knowing a good thing or two when they had a grip on them, stayed right where they were. Then the door opened and the lights came on. ~~~~~ Released from her terror by the return of illumination, Gertrude let go of Taro and stepped back, blushing hotly. "I'm sorry about that," she told the Chinese youth. "'S all right," Taro croaked, looking like it would take a while to straighten up from the sidewise kink Gertrude's embrace had put in his spine. "Could happen to anyone. Argh." Ranma and Akane hopped back in through the smashed window. "Is everything all right?" Akane asked with concern. "Fine, fine," Gertrude said with a wan smile, brushing at her hair and rearranging her uniform slightly. "Where is Doktor Tofu?" "Dunno. We'll find him." Ranma went out into the foyer, stopped suddenly, and looked sideways. He opened the other door and flipped the light switch. "Gack." "What?" Akane went over to Ranma when he didn't answer, looked in, and gasped. Gertrude and Taro crowded in behind. His glasses solidly opaque from rim to rim and his mouth tilted up a little on one side, Tofu slowly and creakily turned his face in the direction of the spectators in the doorway. His hands continued to cup Kasumi's breasts. Akane noticed idly that her sister's face was a study in mixed emotions. Pantyhose-Taro's teeth ground audibly, and then he darted away and out the front door. "Liebchen! How could you?" exclaimed Gertrude to Tofu. Tofu's lips moved slightly. Ranma could just make out the words: "Zun-cha-cha, zun-cha-cha, zun-cha-cha, woo-hoo!" Kasumi reached out, took hold of Tofu's wrists, and gently but firmly pushed him away. He staggered back a step, and his mouth turned up on the other side too. Splash! "MOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" The roar of an infuriated monster shattered the night. "Oh, crap," Ranma said with feeling. "Zun-cha-cha--" Doctor Tofu cavorted towards the doorway. "--zun-cha-cha--" Ranma and Akane hastily stepped out of his way, and Akane shoved Gertrude back. "--zun-cha-cha--" Tofu waltzed merrily into the evening. "MOO!" Taro-monster's bellow was triumphant. "--zun-cha-cha--" "I've got a really bad feeling about this," Ranma said to Akane. Akane nodded. "Me too." "I can't think of any way to stop it." Akane shook her head. "Me either." "This is gonna be awful." Akane nodded. "Poor Taro-kun..." "Oh, hello, Monster-san!" Snap! "Moo?" "You really should do something about that spine condition!" Crackle! "MOOooOOO!" "Oh, your poor arm-- how did that happen?" Pop! "Moo-ugh." The impact of an immense body shook the ground. "What is going ON out there?" Gertrude shouted at Ranma and Akane. "See for yourself." Ranma gestured sadly at the door. "I can't bear to look." Gertrude hurried out the clinic's front door and stopped short. Tofu was dancing around a fallen hulk, monstrous, shaggy, and contorted, its tentacles waving feebly in the air or locked into excruciating shapes. Gertrude's horrified eyes fastened on its tentacles. Its huge, wriggling, slimy, sucker-studded tentacles.... Gertrude drew in a mighty breath, put her hands to her cheeks, screwed her eyes shut, and let out a scream worthy of a Valkyrie, a scream which caused people for six blocks around to drop whatever they were doing and dive under their tables, chairs, and kotatsu. The scream ended. Ranma, Akane, and Kasumi, who had come up behind them, cautiously lowered their hands from their ears. "Look out, she's gonna do it again!" Ranma warned just in time. She did it again, slowly backing away from the abused monster, and then turned and fled into the night, heedless of the dreadful darkness. "Oh, my goodness," Kasumi remarked. "You can say that again," Ranma agreed. "But don't," Akane requested. "--zun-cha-cha, woo-hoo!" "I'll go get the hot water," offered Kasumi. "Uh... I think it would be better if Akane went and got the hot water," said Ranma, eyeing the cavorting chiropractor with trepidation. "I'll try and keep Tofu-sensei corralled. You just, uh, go hide somewhere." "Really?" "Unless you want poor ol' Pantyhose to stay that way, yeah." ~~~~~ Taro lay on one of the clinic beds, his dislocations and rearrangements even more awful in human form. His eyes glared accusingly at Ranma, sitting on the edge of the next bed. Ranma shrugged in a sympathetic way. "Look, it's like this: when Tofu- sensei starts goin' 'zun-cha-cha', run," he stated. "I learned that the hard way myself." "Mnggl fnf?" "I dunno. Whenever he calms down. Sometimes he takes a while, and this was about as bad an attack of K-word as I've ever seen." "Bff nfl grf fb." "Well, don't DO that, then." Ranma smirked, hopped off the bed, and left the room. "I feel so ashamed," Tofu was saying to Akane as Ranma came in. "I can't even think about it without-- ow!" "How's it going?" Ranma asked. Akane shrugged without turning around. "I'm using your methods. When he goes goofy, I slug him." "Unrestricted Combat Aversion Therapy," Tofu muttered, favoring his sore shoulder. Ranma and Akane both laughed. "You got it." "Do you think Gertrude-san will come back?" Akane asked Tofu. "I couldn't say." "Do you want her to?" Tofu looked uncomfortable. "Not really, but I hate for her to leave like that...." Ranma coughed. "Don't go there, Tofu-sensei." "Look who's talking," Akane snorted. "Hey, you--" The doorbell rang. "Honestly, NOW what?" Akane exclaimed. "I'll get it," said Ranma, going out to the foyer. He slid the door open and blinked. "Wow," he said involuntarily. Standing on the doorstep, a tall woman gave him a cool, foxy smile. Her straight black hair was cut into bangs in front and fell to her waist at her back; an expensive-looking dress peeked out from under her white lab-coat. Two sleek suitcases rested beside her. "Good evening," she said. "I'm Kouka Megumi. I'm looking for Ono Tofu-sensei... my fiance." "Glah," Ranma managed. "Oh, Megumi-sensei!" Tofu burbled, shambling into the room, his glasses misty. "What a remarkable coincidence to meet you here, of all places!" "My goodness, isn't this... interesting," said Kasumi brightly, appearing at the other door and smiling at the newcomer with eyes like little arches. "Ka-Kasumi-san!" Tofu warbled, whirling. Ranma staggered back and looked at Akane. "Oh, jeez." Akane nodded weakly. "You got a plan for this, Cupid?" Akane nodded again. "I'm going home," she said. "GOOD plan." ~~~~~ end chapter 5 ~~~~~